Maundy Thursday 2018 or Bedikas Chametz 2018 in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

It is a complicated mental and emotional place to be sitting in my office knowing that I have less than 30 hours remaining as an Attorney. Of course, that is the traditional sense of “Attorney” as in “A lawyer acting in the career as an attorney.” Granted the term attorney is, acceptably, interchangeable with lawyer in the entire United States but… words have meanings and history and I appreciate the history of my profession’s various words. Just like knowing the difference between Solicitor or Barrister across the pond. It is complicated because… I know and thoroughly accept that leaving this firm is the right choice. I can say with zero hyperbole that I’ve not often felt so certain of anything as I do that. But at the same time… leaving a job to go to, essentially, “nothing”? It seems so… lazy and irresponsible. Thus my inner conflict as to how I feel right now. Again enhanced by the truth of: what I am actually going to also has mixed feelings. I am excited, dedicated, passionate, and lazer focused on my “Getting Back to Me” thing. Because frankly… as a child I used to be the guy that would be upset if his stomach “jutted out too much”. I was a thin, rail-like figure throughout most of my life until college. After the pain rose up to kick my ass and mobility became a temporary problem… adding medication and the demands of Adult Work Life? I’ve become a size that I do not enjoy.
Senior Year of High School. Don’t mind the stage makeup!
So I’m excited to get back to working out, eating healthier, and trying to return to a physical shape and appearance that better conforms to my expectations. HOWEVER (I said it was complicated) I am honestly a bit terrified of the pain. Not that I’ve ever been one to think “I want to benefit without feeling pain” but… pain is already a constant companion. If I push myself too hard or too fast? I’m fearful of how that would affect my resolve and/or ability to continue forward towards really all of my goals. So there is me being “complicated.”

So that is the beginning of this entry. Because I wanted to make sure SOME of my journal is about me directly. Not just all about Wife and her shit. But we get to that eventually.

Yesterday during work, I got sick. Can’t explain it, didn’t have a fever, but definitely got sick. So all I wanted to do was go home after work (because yes, I still finished the work day). I texted Wife asking her to pick up the dry cleaning (it is literally on the way to our apartment but seriously… I just didn’t want to do it the way I was feeling). Wife came home to see me on the couch. First thing she says? “Want to tell me why I had to do this errand you obviously could have done yourself?”

Glad that her personality is intact.

I let her know what happened, she seemed to deem that an “acceptable” excuse. I did some laundry. She wanted to know (and repeated) when I was going to get off the Playstation 4 because she wanted to watch something. What that something is wasn’t clear. After I got to an appropriate save spot, she flipped the TV to youtube to watch… dog videos. And tell me about how she was sad. And tell me that she doesn’t like working at 7:30. And she’s so upset because her job is so slow and she won’t be able to take it because it is too slow and lonely! I’m trying to give her glimpses into reality these days instead of simply supporting her emotionally and took a different tack on her complaints.
(1) You didn’t like working shifts until 10:00 at night. And while ‘flex scheduling’ sure is a great thing that lots of people get to do, there are also literally billions of people in this world that don’t have that luxury. When you’re starting out, especially at the bottom of the ladder, that is something you have to deal with.
(2) You had several almost career-ending panic attacks in front of co-workers your first week, and you are complaining because things are too slow? If you were able to consider other people’s perspectives, you may realize that they are easing you in at a narcoleptic sloth’s pace now for your benefit. They don’t want to overwhelm you. So, you freaked out, they are trying to be good about it, and you’re taking issue with them trying to help. Just to clarify.
(3) You’re lonely at work? You have a trainer. So you have at least one person who is traditionally in contact with you at least once an hour if not more. I mean… I know we live two very different lives but… WOMAN! Shit. If you consider that lonely, trade jobs with me in any of the jobs I’ve done since we’ve been married! Sometimes Pre-trial release would involve seeing NOBODY. OFTEN Tiny Town involved seeing NOBODY. Hell, there are even times around here (especially in the Ames office) where I can go many days at a time seeing NOBODY. So, yeah, I get how lonely sucks. But I also get what lonely is. Wife hates it and thinks it is lonely because she is left alone with her thoughts which bothers her to hell. But real lonely is not knowing for sure if you are going to speak to another human being that day. Which, not to be a dick, but was a key part of my life in many of my recent jobs.

To put it in the most brutal and basest terms imaginable? Once again Wife wants the world to be exactly the way she wants it, wants it that way now, and is going to be miserable until it happens. Which, and I did tell her this last night, is a mental pattern she’s created over many years designed to keep her unhappy while also designed to make sure she never has to take any responsibility for that happiness. ALSO allowing her to routinely and constantly consider only her needs and wants because the world isn’t taking care of them. Also, not that it is new or surprising, but this personality “quirk” of hers also often leads me to realize that no matter what I do in “our” life, it won’t be enough for her.

At about 9, I suggested that we go to bed. She “didn’t know what she wanted on the TV” but wanted me to pick something good. I put in Marx Brothers as that typically makes her laugh and is something I often watched as a kid when I was sick. After twenty minutes? “No. Not working. Change it.” Okay. Change it to one of her go-to shows. Another twenty minutes? “No. Not working. Still sad and can’t sleep. Change it.” Put on Bob’s Burgers and call it a night. She conked out but I was having issues. Fell asleep around 11. Woke up again around 1:00. Still not feeling great. Went to the living room. Came back to bed around 3:00 am and fell back to sleep.

Only to have this repeating sensation on my back at around 6:00 a.m. It finally registered as I woke up more. It was my wife closed-fist punching me in the back. When she saw that I was awake, she said that my snoring was irritating her. I grabbed my pillow and went into the Guest Room to finish sleeping. Actually, didn’t end up sleeping. Got into a wonderful and much much needed discussion with a friend over FB Messenger. At about 7:15 or so, I went back into the living room where, I kid you not, Wife said, “Why did you go to the guest room this morning?” I responded, “Do you not remember hitting me awake?” She said, “Of course I do. But I was going to get out of bed in 30 minutes, so it didn’t make sense for you to leave the room entirely.”
Palm, meet face.

I didn’t say anything, though I should have. IF SHE WAS GOING TO GET OUT OF BED IN 30 MINUTES AND I DIDN’T NEED TO LEAVE THE ROOM, WHY WAS IT SO ESSENTIAL THAT SHE WAKE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

I get it. This is my life, my little garden, and I’m the one who is laying in it. But… I’m being heavily reminded how MUCH of her mind is occupied by HER and how LITTLE of her life is occupied by ME.

She went to work, I finished my FB Messenger conversation. I may have found a new person for my Favorite People ever list (which makes me really happy). Then I went to work.

HA! A brief interruption in our regularly scheduled program. White Boss, as I’ve mentioned before, is giddy like a child with a new toy about the New Office’s parking lot. Putting “Tow Away Zone” stickers on people’s cars the instant he sees them. Calling tow trucks within an hour of placing the stickers. Just really enjoying the hell out of this power he’s got. An older gentleman just came in to my office (as the only office in the Basement) and told me “I’ve lived in those apartments for ten years and have parked my car there the whole time. I understand you’re here now, but DO NOT put adhesives on my car!” I smiled and encouraged him to take the matter up with White Boss who personally handles those matters. He went upstairs very upset and has been up there for the last ten minutes with raised voices. Frankly, I don’t care what happens from that. This is the closest I get to the “Retail Worker” experience of sending an angry customer to a manager I don’t like.

I must admit… I’m excited and nervous as hell about my next two months. I’ve taken 1 of 5 “Before” pictures so far. The first is me, pushing my belly out, wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, with my hair long and a mess and my facial hair unkempt. My plan is to take 2 of 5 tonight. Me in one of my better suits, with my hair combed out and long, facial hair… as best as I can manage without cutting it. Then after I get my haircut (first since October 21), I’ll do both of those photos again. Me, pushing my belly out, wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt… Me in one of my better suits. Then take a photo of the Scale Reading.

I’m nervous about all of that for a few reasons.
(1) Showing people me? Well, lets just say that life with Wife and my own inner voices make me feel incredibly, extremely, unwaveringly unattractive.
(2) I worry about failure. I worry that I either won’t lose enough weight or (worse) that I do lose enough weight and yet somehow manage to look even worse.

I get that those fears may be silly, but that is what I’m feeling there. And yes, I will post all 5 shots to Facebook and to here as well. As a “just for fun” end to this entry? I will share CosPlay characters I hope to do once I get back into some kind of “appropriate shape.”