Triggered in Elm

So fought  with Nas. Hes just a fuck boi really.



My sister triggers the fuck out of me. I want to be close to her  at times but i just  cant. So negative  and accusatory  of everyone.  Judging.  Blaming.  I cant  take it. Things  are more complicated that they seem. And i have too much stress in my life to deal  with. She triggered another breakdown basically. I told  everyone off in my family  minus my grandma and bro. Lol  its kind of funny but its not. I feel guilty.  But the problem  is they dont feel guilty  at all. It hurts me they just dont  understand  me or have any empathy or compassion  for me really. Its  like walking on eggshells with  all of them.



I dont know of writting about it will help. But ive blocked all of them. I cant take any of them.



Tomm i gotta clean up the messes here in my apt and in my soul. It hurts. Im so sick and tired of it all. I dont know  what to do  anymore.



Am i not doing  enough ? I try so hard to be happy to heal.  But still here i am. Drinking to excess.  Spending too much money. Engaging  in drama. Im not a complete mess but still i wish  things internally could  be better  within  me. Life will always  be life. But i need to learn how to live with myself and manage my emotions and grief and just the pain i feel and the resentments i have towards my abusive gaslighting narcassisitic family. Stupid fuck boys that are abusive in my life. Its just  fucked.



I hope  my sleeping pills kick in soon.



7 days till  the end of the month.

Last updated March 15, 2019