I'd Rather Have a Piece of Toast and Watch the Evening News in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Sometimes life happens and it is worth chronicling.

Sometimes.

Last night? At about 17:00, White Boss told me he wanted me to go through all of the Discovery for one of his cases that he had a hearing for on today. At 9 a.m. Meaning… I could have stayed at the office until 9, or I could try to come in early to watch as much of it as I could before his hearing. Either way… kiiiiiiind of shitty.

As my Wife had been offered the Lab Job she interviewed for, I decided I was not going to stay at the office much past 18:00. Right at 1800, I left for home. When I arrived, Wife was watching My 600 Lb Life. She watches far too much trash TV. Granted, it is better than The Kardashians or The Real Housewives or the other shows that celebrate vapid self-centered culture by focusing on emotionally arrested wealthy women. But still… My 600 Pound Life, Hoarders… these shows focus on humanity’s sadnesses. Wife insists that the shows are about happy, joyful transformations… but I insist that they are modern “Freak Shows” that try to give a “happy” ending in the last 5 minutes to make the audience feel better about themselves for finding entertainment in the misery of others.

Anyway… she was Zombie-ing out, so I went to the guest room to play a video game and decompress from work. A lot of my own emotional journey these days is being done solo (so thank goodness I finally reached out to a therapist) as Wife is at the end of her emotional/anxiety rope just about every day now. Ultimately, when I did ask her/press her to tell me about what was going on… she explained how happy she was to get the offer, how she was going to take it, how she would be putting in her two weeks, and all of that. I asked her if there were questions she still had, things that would help her be less anxious, all of that. She shrugged off the issue and said, while certainly there were things that could be answered to help her feel better, it wasn’t a concern of hers at the moment. I informed her that, due to coming home before O Dark Thirty, I would have to get up ass early to be in the office by 6 or 7 the next morning.

Fast forward to 11:00 at night. When, apparently, Wife’s brain started kicking into high gear. Because that is when she started to sob, wail, and freak out. That is when she decided to check on Insurance Plans offered through the placement company and (if she understood them correctly) started freaking out even more because the insurance is likely worse than Wal Mart. Getting paid more than Wal Mart… not having to work Weekends… but 7:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. and poor insurance? REALLY contributing to her freak out session. So… there I am trying to get to sleep… since I have to be awake in 5 hours… and already emotionally kind of checked out for the week… while Wife is basically suffering a panic attack because she is finally going to leave a job she hates. Now… intellectually, I sympathize. I understand entirely what she is going through. But emotionally? I’m a bad husband (temporarily) because I do not have the emotional quotient to deal with this shit every night for the next 3 months. HOPEFULLY leaving the Firm and getting healthy will bring back my ability to feel compassion. But between now and when she starts the job (end of March)… I just won’t have it in me to deal with, as she has all but promised, will be an every night production of sobbing, terror filled panic attacks where she spends half the time focusing on how scary change is and the other half of the time beating herself up for being such a “pathetic excuse for a person.” I know… I’m a terrible husband. But dealing with my bosses and clients for 10 to 15 hours a day… to come home to that… every day....... yeah. I need some time to not be neck deep in emotional bullshit every day and I apologize to my wife if it comes off as being a terrible husband.

Woke up this morning at 5 a.m. I’ll spare you the painful details of everything I did at such an early time, but one thing that is worth noting: I need a dictaphone. For those who are too young to remember a time before Ethernet Cables and 4K HD televisions… a Dictaphone (company name that become synonymous with a product like Band-Aid and Kleenex) was a device that allowed the user to speak into a small box and record their ideas so that those ideas could be remembered for later. Kind of like leaving yourself a voice mail, but easier and quicker. And yes, I know the Smart Phones have dictaphone apps. Anyway… I can already tell that not drinking and trying (beginning) to emotionally untangle myself from the Firm are helping my mind. I had an idea for a story where the main character has trouble sleep, strange dreams, goes in for a Sleep Study and discovers that, while unconscious, he can travel to different places in the Multiverse. It is an idea I’ve had before but this morning… by the time I had finished my cereal… I’d already come up with the first 3 chapters and an outline for the rest of the story. Of course… I didn’t write any of it down and will likely forget all of it before committing it to paper. Thus the desire for a dictaphone.

On my way to work pre-7 hour, I realized that there is considerably less traffic. Though this is also aided by the fact that I am no longer driving to Down Town. Though… not being in the Down Town area is also extremely stupid for a Firm that wants to service this town… but hey… this firm wants to be International, particularly serving Chinese interests in the United States, so to hell with it. When I got to the office, I tried my key. It didn’t work. I tried my key on every outer door in the building. It didn’t work. So… problem one: No building access. But as I was traveling around the building I saw that one of the outer doors to one of the as-yet-unrenovated suites was being stopped from closing by a thin metal bar. Knowing the layout of the building, I entered through that door… walked up the stairs.... crossed the inner building… and opened the Stair Access door that leads directly into The Firm’s offices. So… problem two: anyone with a modicum of curiosity or criminal intent could access our law firm 24/7.

Here is an interesting personal complication I have within myself.

I think our current Income Inequality situation is bullshit. The Chairman of the Board of the Toys R Us/Babies R Us company makes over $4,000,000 a year. However, they are closing stores around the country because of “financial issues.” They are also consistently screwing their employees by not paying well. So… 1 man makes $4,000,000 a year… on the backs of people struggling to get by… and his solution to “financial issues within the company” is to take jobs away and screw his employees even harder. That pisses me off.

however

I am watching video of a Hispanic woman who is employed at one of these stores. She successfully stole $2,000 over the course of 8 months to “cover her credit card debt and buy clothes for her baby.” Now… don’t get me wrong… part of this issue is also tied to the absolute horrendous bullshit that is the United States Health Care System. When we allowed profit to matter more than care, we screwed everyone out of decent affordable health care in this country for all time. BUT.... I also can’t find it within myself to give much of a shit. This lady is sobbing, crying, other employees are being really supportive of her… but she also admitted that she did actually steal that money. She’s asking not to be arrested, crying and begging not to be handcuffed, pleading not to be taken to jail. And it’s like… “Miss? You broke the law. You stole over two thousand dollars. What did you expect to happen?”

And I find that to be a stranger place to be then I expected. On one hand… punishing this woman for taking money from her employers is merely policing the Serfs to give the Lords more money. I hate income inequality and the fact that the United States (in many ways) is basically going back to that extreme model.... The middle class is evaporating like drinking water on an Arizona summer, so we’ll have Peasants and Aristocrats in a few years time. BUT I also respect the law and believe in upholding the law. This woman should be arrested and punished for stealing because we don’t want stealing to be something we encourage or allow. So… on one hand, I feel “Aw crap. This woman’s crime was simply taking money from a company that treats its employees like shit while paying their executive board a minimum of $1,000,000 a year. But on the other hand, we can’t just let her break the law!”

Ah. And now two more things to make stuff go absolutely GR.

(1) The Iowa Attorney Electronic Filing System is down once again. Has been all morning. Can’t even get to the log in screen. Last time this happened, it lasted for an entire week all but crippling the Iowa Legal Community. And the judiciary KEEPS getting under funded and our budget cut. In other words… compare these filing system outages to rolling black outs… but instead of saying “we need to fix our electrical grid” the politicians say “we need to slash your budgets.”

(2) While I was briefing White Boss on his case (from my office where I can see our parking lot), I saw what looked like someone slam into my car. Now… our parking lot is almost entirely empty. There is no ice on the road today. There is no good reason for someone to slam into my car unless they were quite literally driving blind. I thought that surely I must have been seeing things. Twenty minutes later, someone enters our office looking for the owner of the maroon car in the parking lot. My car. He slammed directly into the thing. Full on smash job into the passengers side door. To the point where I can’t even get it shut. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

How’s this for “perfect communication” in this firm.....
Chinese Boss e-mails me something. No words, no instructions, no nothing. Just e-mails me a bunch of attachments (a person’s ticket). That’s it.

So I read all the way through the e-mail chain. Apparently, this guy has been calling a number of lawyers for assistance on his Marijuana Possession as he is an F1 Student of Hispanic origin. Okay. So now I know a little more about what is going on. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Chinese Boss just e-mailed me the tickets as attachments. Is he a client? Do I call him back? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

Particularly because he called our firm on March 5th. I received this e-mail late on the night of March 7th. The original communication requests that our firm call him on the 5th. Did Chinese Boss call him on the 5th? Or not. If she did, it would be ridiculous for me to call this guy back. That would make us look amateur and unprofessional. If she didn’t, not calling this guy could lose us a client. But then… why do I care? The answer to that is: I want to be good at my job until I’m not doing it. So… yeah. A little communication would go a long way here.

An hour later when she gave me “more” feedback she said “He is new client. I would like you to sign this case for our firm.” I get it… she’s stressed from the move and her brain is fried… but I know she is better at English than that. With all of that in mind… I’m just going to call the guy and cross my fingers.

Here’s some fun stuff.

Technically, I can’t say confidently if this is because it is so cold down here (my office) that it is effecting my electronics or if it is because of all of the Chinese Web Sites I’ve had to be on today… but my laptop is sure struggling. Every few seconds, the screen flashes like it is trying to process something that it isn’t even sure exists. It is… disconcerting. I’ll make sure to take my laptop home with me today and keep it someplace warm. We’ll see if that does anything for it. But… if you’re asking… yes. It is still cold enough in my office without a heater that it could very likely be affecting my electronics. My office is recessed and receives no light; but the large center room that gets all the sunlight throughout the day? That room says its current temperature is 50 F (10 C). SO… yeah. I’d say cold.

Plus… isolated. I’ve mentioned it yesterday or before but… yeah. The entire firm is on the top floor. All 4 employees. I am the only one down on the bottom floor. This is where you would stick your IT division… not 1/3 of your lawyers. lol

Now for something completely different....

As a child I had a mad crush on Jodie Sweetin. Yes, she was two years older than I was… but she was an actress, I was an actor… yes, we were in two entirely different leagues… but she was really cute and had energy, I was really cute and had energy. And she seemed a little dorky, which I was totally for.

I was also a huge fan of Boy Meets World. Topanga was awesome!! But always meant for Corey. So.... in 1998, when Linda Cardellini was on as Lauren… I thought she was beautiful and wanted to tag in for Corey. I’ll date the ski bunny, you stay with Topanga. But before that there were two other people in Television that grabbed my attention and kept it. Lacey Chabert, who I wouldn’t be introduced to until the mid 90s (though she was Jodie’s age)… and Marla Sokoloff. Marla was a “random girl” in a Boy Meets World episode and was with the girls that made fun of Corey’s hair. But… definitely caught my eye! (Episode aired in 1993). Marla was my brother’s age, which I did NOT like because I knew if he knew I liked her, he’d make a big deal about that. As Boy Meets World was on ABC’s block of Can’t Miss Shows, I also watched Step By Step. I liked the main girls on that show (all of them) to differing degrees. But 1994 (I was 10, Marla was 14) Marla played a Tough Chick that Mark (the weaker, dorky brother) was enamored of. I could NOT fault his taste!

Later, starting in 1995.... Marla started to appear as a regular on Full House. And the contention began. Jodie’s character was best friends with Marla’s. But Marla’s character was more of a “Bad Girl” and Danny disapproved. I thought it was kind of bullshit… make the darker looking girl a bad girl compared to the brighter looking tanners. But frell them. It was a character… and Marla still looked awesome. In 1995, still watching the Disney Channel as I was only 11… I saw her on the Disney Channel Made for TV movie Freaky Friday. Later that same year, her type-casting struck again and I was actually getting mad for her. She was, again, playing the “Likes to break the rules” bad girl but this time to Brad Taylor in Home Improvement telling him to throw a party while his parents were out.

The next year, another great match up on television. Lacey Chabert and Jennifer Love Hewitt (both very attractive) and Marla Sokoloff all on Party of Five together! So many attractive women in one show! YAY! The year after that Marla joined the cast of the Practice and I was smitten. She was able to play an intelligent, age appropriate, normal woman. Not some trope- bad girl teenager. She acted well, was beautiful, and did an excellent job. She was 18 at this time and I was 14. So… I was coming in to my own about what I found attractive. While being a member of The Practice, she made “Whatever it Takes” that released in 2000. I have never seen her more attractive. She played a “dorky outsider” for some reason (a stretch in my opinion as anyone who wouldn’t include her character was an idiot) and the film had a LOT of Cyrano de Bergerac elements. The same year she played one of the girlfriends in “Dude, Where’s My Car?” She was supposed to be more ditzy/slutty/stoner comedy in that… which didn’t seem to fit her. She plays intelligent women so much better. But the very next year, she did play smarter… but also the annoying semi-antagonist in “Sugar & Spice”. An all right film but not a great Marla vehicle. She was in an episode of Friends in Season 8… but I haven’t really seen her in anything since.

That was just… me wasting my lunch hour, lol. Just talking Celebrity crushes. lol.

Seriously?! About to explode in the biggest way on Chinese Boss. Remember how she had me do that whole research thing in Chinese? How she wanted me to collect a shit ton of research in a language I don’t speak… and then write a 20 page report using research gathered in a language I don’t speak… remember? How about this… remember how when she freaks, she tends to over load her assistants? Well… lets combine all of that. Friday I specifically requested the Chinese Language research be handled by a god damned Chinese speaking assistant. Because why in the fuck would you ask the English speaker to do an entire Chinese Speaking research issue? I specifically asked to give the entire project to Assistant. I was told to “work with” the Assistant. Maybe I’m the asshole but… I wasn’t told “Okay, she’ll do it.” I wasn’t told “Okay, we’ll make sure she has time.” I was told to work with the Assistant. Which means to me… I’m still doing the research and asking the Assistant for help. So… I do that. I do the research. I ask the assistant for help. UH OH. The Assistant got married on Monday. AND we moved Tuesday and Wednesday and the assistant is being asked to do a shit ton of the move. Guess we don’t have time for this project. But since I still want to get it done, I’ll keep working on it. Yesterday, Chinese Boss wants to see a version. I send her what I’ve got. She tells me to add citations, move a few pieces, and add info. I do the citations, move a few pieces… but can’t add any more info due to I DON’T FUCKING SPEAK CHINESE! I send her the copy I made and send an additional copy to Assistant. Asking Assistant to go through all of my research, help me with translations, and make it so that I can do this well.

WELL… Chinese Assistant has been told by Chinese Boss that there was another “translation item that needs done by end of day.” So when I send my thing up, Chinese Assistant asks Chinese Boss which is most important. Chinese Boss asks me and Assistant to her office and starts yelling. Even cursed.
Because why would I send her a copy that hasn’t been verified by Assistant yet? My Response: Because you gave me a deadline, and I hit that deadline. I told you on Friday to work with Assistant on this. Why you not do that? Because when I’m asking for help and when you’re telling her what to do, she’s going to do what you ask as you are the ranking boss. This is shit. I’m… I’m so frustrated. Why you not do what we discussed at the meeting on Friday? On Friday, I asked for a Chinese Speaker to take over the research. You didn’t authorize that. So I continued doing the research to send to a Chinese speaker for assistance. What you mean I didn’t authorize? I said work with her. Which isn’t authorization. In order to do the research, I would literally need a Chinese Speaker sitting next to me the entire time I’m doing research. Who told you that you couldn’t do that. Do that. If it is what you need, no one said you couldn’t do that. At that point, we’re using two people to do one job.

She. Doesn’t. Fucking. Get it. IF all of the research needs to be done in Chinese… HAVE A CHINESE SPEAKER DO IT. If you ask the English Speaker to do it… you’ll get an 11 page document of information that you asked for… you hope. WHY. CAN SHE NOT. FUCKING. UNDERSTAND THIS?! I want to strangle her until she realizes.... if she is worried that her Chinese Speaking Assistants won’t know what to look for… that is because you suck. Literally, all you need is a list. If I was given permission I would have created the goddamned list. “Beijing Festival. Golden Monkey Award. Changdou Animation Competition. Bring me all the information you can find about that.” HOW FUCKING HARD WAS THAT?! And why use an English Speaking attorney for any of that?

And I told her this. And Chinese Boss (finally, ultimately) agreed. Well fucking duh! Why have you been dragging me up to your office to yell at me about something so fucking easy. WHEN you have a Chinese Language Research Project… where the SOURCE is in Chinese… and the RESEARCH is in Chinese… just have the Chinese Speakers do it, and I’ll make it into a legally acceptable document. Ah, but when I said that it was a step too far. Because Chinese Boss brought it back around to “It isn’t about the language of the research. You should be able to do this. We just cannot submit this as a document without a Chinese speaker verifying the information.” HEAD: DESK. So… then… it IS ABOUT THE LANGUAGE OF THE FUCKING RESEARCH! HO. LEE. FUCK. ING. SHIT.

Frankly… this has been a great time to quit drinking. Because instead of numbing myself with alcohol… I’m just going to ride this rage wave. Because seriously.

Here’s the funny thing. Chinese Boss says “The problem was I thought you were closer to a finished product.” No. The problem is you did this the stupidest way possible because it was easier for you. If you had made this the Assistant’s Project, we wouldn’t be here. Instead you made this MY project. And the Assistant… got married and had to handle all of the coordinating of YOUR move.

Oh… and here’s a laugh. The client told us he won the Golden Monkey Award. All of the research I found said The Golden Monkey Award is the best award possible. Chinese Boss just wrote me and said, “It should say Golden Dinosaur”. What?! The client and my research are wrong? Than how about fuck this whole project, eh? Because if the CLIENT can’t give us the correct shit… and if the tedious Chinese/English research I did isn’t giving us the right shit… than what the hell?!

21 more days. Just 21 more days.