i'm so embarassed/i can't believe *Con.* Analyt. in 2017. got it.

this is from the 27th. of um jan.:

‘i’m so embarassed to admit. what the concussion/fall/’the accident’ actually is known as. that’s why i haven’t. yes i’ve eluded to it.........i’ve indirectly um. referred to it. [i.e. ‘a concussion IS.an injured brain’]. but not.........what it’s actually known.as.

well i remember from something i read in my sociology book. that embarassment is the name people give when they’re not prepared for a performance. [not like. an actual performance not a stage production]. also it’s an uncomfortable topic.

ok so i’m looking up ‘embarassment’. cause. that’s what i do. and...... it’s discomfort [yeah you’re tellin me] when someone has a socially unacceptable condition. i. hm. i’m not sure. the way in which society views concussions. other then we’re aware people get them.

oh..........oh wait. it could have to do w/ my ‘failure is not an option’/anxiety thing. a lot of people who don’t have anxiety might be ‘it’s ok to fail’. no. it’s not for me. they don’t understand. and that’s ok. i have to be perfect and someone telling me either a i don’t or 2 that that’s not a thing. doesn’t help. [and yes i do mean ‘have to’. it’s like a compulsion.]. [although. they’re not wrong it’s not a thing.].

so. embarassment is a public emotion that’s interesting.

ok so it’s not the fall itself. cause a lot of people might be ‘ok. so i fell’. but i’m not. i’m. ‘no i fell and i got a concussion and my brain........doesn’t work right and it’s changed me. and........’ this that and the other thing.

i don’t want people noticing [which. if i weren’t blogging about it people wouldn’t know] so bc of that now. i ‘have to’ work at being a ‘normal’ person. at acting like nothing happened. again, compulsion.

i always wear a hat. but now. i ‘have to’ make dn sure she doesn’t notice that. the sides of my fe/h**d look different. or make eye contact. yeah it’s kindof like i have bowie eyes. [as in david. as in aladdin sane. as in lady stardust.].

[what’s interesting about the above. my mention of bowie. is that well to my anyway. he taught us it was ok. to be different.].

on here. idinno. i kindof want to take photos of myself [i won’t post them on here] and how i look since. to kindof be like ‘look. look at me and how different i look. there’s you’re something to talk about’ in the words of bonnie raitt. also well some people already think i’m weird. they see me as a sideshow act well............there.

ok so obviously. that’s not a good way to handle this or to talk about it. [or really to think about it actually.].

oh.............ok. i get it. i’m used to being different. just. now there’s the physicality and um visual-ity of it. something people can see. anne frank was different. albert einstein was different. bowie as already mentioned. van gogh. lady gaga. and so on. emilie autumn for those familiar.

yes but see. i grew up w/ the belief that being different wasn’t good. bc of school.

but also. to prove to myself that yes this actually did physically happen to me. to look at the photos and go ‘oh. wow. however long ago i. ‘broke my brain’. [which really is warrant of sympathy if ‘warrant’ makes sense in that context.].

i was never. physically absed. and it’s awful that some people were. [as well as other. forms of abse that’s awful too.]. so maybe even though no they weren’t self inflicted. um the bruises are my way.........of........... um......... connecting the accident w/. the rapes. which is sexual ab*Se although..........that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense i don’t think........

but. w/ all the above stated. what Person A thinks about themself can and sometimes is. different from what Person B thinks about Person A. i as someone w/ depression/ptsd/other. well i honestly don’t have a v. high opinion of myself. others do.

so. being embarassed about something. usually arises from accidental behaviours that lead er i mean cause rather. yes that cause. someone to feel badly about themself. [yes. exactly.].

if a friend of mine. were in the same situation. and they’d fallen. and i knew about it. i’d be ‘omygod are you ok? do you want to talk about it? how can i help?’. but those seem. weird questions to ask myself somehow. or maybe they’re not.

people fall. yeah but not everyone’s that ok w/ it. i mean i am when it comes to others. [right bc i don’t er. have people feeling bad about things.]. but i’m not really ok w/ it when i.fall, or something else.

although actually. since from what i recall there wasn’t anyone around when.i fell i’m less, embarassed then had i fallen when er. had there been people.outside. i’m the type where ‘oh thank god no one else was around’.

oh.............ok. here we go. so. when people are um. embarassed we think everyone else feels that at the same level. that we do. like we’re equal, in terms of that. oh spotlight effect there we go.

ya know i was thinking about it and. i got. a concussion but i’m not. a concussion. sounds weird but that’s kindof my point. luckily i can’t actually be, a concussion. [and thank god cause i don’t like those. yeah no don’t hit your head. it’s not good. it’s even more ‘not good’ then i thought.].

well. for a long time i, like many others, didn’t call the rape well.that, ‘rape’. i’d say ‘hurt’/’when i was hurt’ or ‘it’ or ‘that’. there’s a post on this site something about ‘a rose by any other name’. right?

so. ok. what would change if i referred to ‘the concussion’ as what it actually is? [besides well. ‘an injured brain’/’my brain is broken’.]. i. i’d elicit a more emotional response. i’d have. ‘the whole world’ [ok well. not literally] caring.

ok well a. in the words of kermit the frog. maybe. we don’t need the whole world to care maybe we just need one person.

and um 2. to the world. we may be one person. but to one person. .......see it’s the opposite. [easier said then believed. trust me i know. i get it.].’