i don't want to stop at all/the universe. is telling me something. *Tree cop thing *TBI *contains talk about aids in 2017. got it.

this is from the 7th:

‘Freddy Mercury of the band Queen. died from AIDS. well i think and correct me if i’m wrong here the song ‘don’t stop me now’ was about. the fact that he wouldn’t. slow. down. he was. 45 when he died, ‘91.

people were telling him. something like. ‘stop. stop before you........ya gotta slow down man’.

I’m. a believer in the universe. I don’t believe in god but i believe in the universe. I believe in signs. And. i think. right now. the universe is telling me something. i don’t like admitting it and i can. choose not to see it but it’s there. yeah it’s. still there even if i don’t see it.

i’m sick i’ve passed out more often then not from the TBI. ya know?..........that’s a sign. it’s not a sign that i like but it’s a sign.

The universe. actually. is telling me, the exact same thing people were telling Freddy Mercury. yeah. i don’t want to stop at all. but..........if i don’t..........

it’s ok to slow down as long as people don’t stop for too long.

and the universe. is telling me. the exact same thing a good friend of mine told another good friend of ours. Pat. and Pat wouldn’t listen he just kept on dinkng. and then he had the anuerysm and then.......well. he’s not w/ us anymore.

Ok well a; i don’t dr*nk a whole lot and that’s part of why. 2. i haven’t been through withdrawl in awhile.

it’s not the slowing down i have a problem w/. it’s the fact that. ........well believe me if i were living by myself i’d be a lot more likely to slow down. it wouldn’t be such a problem for me to slow down if i were living by myself. cause nobody else would know probably. but. i have depression and that. creates a cycle.

No one said I wasn’t allowed to leave the house. No I know. but my not going out is in response to that. it’s not a good response but yeah. right now i’m still. emotional about it right now i’m still. the ‘they win i lose’ thing.

yeah. ok they’ll win the game untill next wk. when i go and buy groceries. [the, lady drives me to the store.]. just so they can feel like they’re doing their job. and not have to worry about the cops calling them. just they can feel like they’ve saved me. like they’ve done their job. like ‘oh look at how great i am!’. yeah. i get it. alrite. feel like the hero. that’s fine, actually. i’ll survive. i’ll have depression but i’ll survive. that’s ok, ya know? i’m used to this.

no cause apparently it’s not about if i’m happy or not. no. of course not. there is that balance and i don’t think i’m ready for that balance right now. [also. i’m feeling impulsive as h** like i want to leave so. i should probably wait. as hard as that is right now. and by ‘leave’ i mean leave the house. yes at 20 after midnight.].

f**** a.

i know. it’d be easier if i just gave in. conform to what they want follow their rules. but i’ve never been one to do that. and a lot of the time it’s cause of my depression. and i just don’t care. ya tell me not to do something guess what? i’ma want to do the exact opposite so much.

cause i don’t have permission not to. you really want me not to do something then tell me to do it. no it sounds weird but it’ll work. like it sounds really weird. but that’s actually more, effective then the other way.

when.......when, does it get to be my turn? when do i get to catch a break bc. i’m tired, of this going on for a long time. People say it gets better. but nobody ever says when. Sure people have their own. time frame for that but. yeah. i get it gets better. but when?

when do i get to catch a break. as soon as i decide that. and, maybe even longer. but deciding, for ourselves that kindof thing. is part of it.

when do i get to feel like the hero. and like i saved somebody. oh wait that’s right. i don’t worry about people. so. then what am i really asking? no what am. i really asking.

i’m acting. like the depression’s not that bad like everything they want matters more. oh........

cause my depression’s at a 7. out of 10. and i’m not sure how much worse it can get. so i’ll either stay here w/ my depression or. no. cause i’m so d** paranoid right now. i gotta stay here. to protect my privacy.

of course it’s ‘that bad’. it’s at a 7. out of 10 that certainly isn’t good.

maybe i need to stop being selfish. truth is i been selfish a long time. i just don’t think about it. cause then i’d care. and then i’d worry and. i’d actually be a much warmer person. a much nicer one too.

i don’t know.........i.........i don’t know.

yeah i don’t like that things changed today. but it’s like the song says. or actually doesn’t say.

ever since i was 17.........and then 24 and 27. every few yrs. oh and in college too. rape. sex abuse. sex harrassment. depression. threats. alcoholism. and so on.

yeah. you’d want a break too.

they say rest is good for TBI. i have anxiety. that contradicts the rest. so.

i. i got nothin left for this entry.’