Advise, Please in meh...

I can’t believe I’m shaking.
I think it’s a combination of me wanting to explode and me not being able to.
I could be a combination of me being disgusted at the gall and audacity and his conversation to see what my life is like so he could get in.

“I think you were 8. That would be bad then. But you’re grown now.”

::deep cleansing breath::

I’m trying to calm down so I can relate this clearly.

There was a friend of my oldest cousin who would come to live with us every now and again. To me he was dirty, he smelled bad. He was kind of gross. He came to my grandmother’s funeral. I didn’t think anything of him being there because I didn’t have to talk to him.

Anyway. He didn’t fondle me or touch me, but he did other stuff that was wildly uncomfortable. We would play together, if you could call it that. One game was vampire. He would chase me down the hall, I was get on the floor and he would hover over me and “bite” my neck. I was suppose to reciprocate, but his skin was filthy. After the first time I was like NOPE this ain’t gonna work. I didn’t realize what he was doing.

One other time, I remember he said, I bet I can make your neck tingle. I was like I doubt it. So he decided to try and plant these kisses and light sucks on my neck. Because I was a CHILD I didn’t know what I was suppose to be feeling, so No. You are not magical. I’m sure there were other times.

In between these things we had these furious battles. Well, I was the one raging. I would berate him and call him fat, funky, dirty, bum, dusty anything that wouldn’t get me a whipping for cursing. I would tell him that I hated him. My mother use to say we would get married when we got older because of the way we fought. She told me that, not him. I never told her what he was doing. I lumped him in with everyone else when I reflected on my abuse because it was a form of abuse. He was the beginning of it. I was a mere baby. I’m 43 now and if he’s the same age as my oldest cousin, he is at least 51 going on 52. He was old enough to fuckin know better.

So there’s the background.

I get a call today. I’m looking at the caller ID making sure it wasn’t some other people who’ve been calling nonstop today. Then he asked for me. I’m looking at the phone like who is this?? I said this is she. He said hey it’s K.P. So color me surprised in a deer in the headlights kind of way. He was saying hello, trying to catch up I guess. Asking how’s life. Wanting to “Do Lunch.”

At the end of the conversation, I gleaned that he was trying to find out if I was married, that when he spoke with my cousin and my aunt he’d been asking about me specifically, to which they told him I worked here and he called me during my work day. And just as HIM as he was early in life. I didn’t give him too much detail but I said enough to make me sound like I gave a fuck about that conversation. He gave me his number and said to get in touch with him so we could link up.

I don’t think I will be calling him.

Now I feel this overwhelming urge to call my mom and tell her about him.
I’m so…a bunch of things.

I was going to ask for some advice on whether I should go to lunch and confront him, call him and confront him, or if I should just ignore the request all together.

I don’t want him to have my number, don’t want to be in his presence especially if I don’t have to be. I don’t owe him shit. And if he thinks I was harsh as a child, my grown woman will make him commit suicide.

I’m going to keep deep breathing and then call my mom. I need her right now.

Take care…

Kindest regards,
Sister