Now What? Futile attempts at changing thought patterns, the WWE hates their fans and thoughts on yet again being a stepping stone... in Life as I know it...

This waiting is driving me mad. The builders are still busy and we can't open for business yet. I don't know what to do with my time anymore. I finished my training, had a shower, got dressed, made lunch and now what? This limbo is killing me. My overactive mind is busy causing havoc, going from one unpleasant thought to the next. Being mindful is difficult when you have these deeply ingrained thought patterns. I have to keep trying to remove these patterns and create new, more positive ones, but on some days the negativity and feelings of hopelessness just outweigh this process. Days like today and yesterday.

I can't do any testing or menu designing or whatever today, because we have guests coming over who are staying the night. I have no idea who they are. I am probably going to do what I usually do when we have somebody over, which is stay in my room, hiding and avoiding everyone. I will have to go up to make myself dinner though, which is going to suck. I don't want to talk to anybody and I don't want all these people in my space. It makes me feel anxious and uncomfortable and makes me feel like my space is being intruded upon. I don't have a choice so I'll just do what I always do. Suffer in silence.

One thing I am looking forward to is the new episode of WWE Raw, but I have been so goddamn frustrated with the creative direction that the show is going in and it's refusal to listen to it's fans. WWE Hall of Famer Mick Foley (Cactus Jack/Mankind/Dude Love) was quoted as asking "Does the WWE actually hate their own fans?". I swear if I have to listen to one more promo or see one more match where a bunch of untalented, jacked 40 year old are being put over I am strongly going to consider ending my 19 year relationship with the WWE. They have always been there for me. A constant that provided me with happiness and a feeling of kinship during terrible times.

Seeing as the WWE episodes that are airing here in Cape Town are about a month behind, I download the shows and I do not feel an ounce of guilt. If the WWE can broadcast live to places like India, Bermuda and the Bahamas, then they can sure as hell broadcast live here, seeing as we are the number 1 city in the world to visit or something along those lines.

I love seeing all the tourist buses unload their passengers in the city. People wearing khaki outfits and hats as if they were going into the bush, with large cameras and binoculars hanging around their necks and a big backpack on their back. It is hilarious. Do they think we have lions and wild animals walking around here in town?

God, I'm so lonely... Lately Brittany (my best friend) has been getting tagged in lots of new photos with lots of friends at different places... I guess now that she is feeling better and feeling brave enough to venture out into the world again that I don't mean shit anymore. Haven't heard anything from her and I'm sick and tired of being the one who has to take the initiative to make contact.

30 minutes left before I can watch Raw. Yay...

Have a lovely day Adriaan