Ain't Got to to go Metropolis... in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

… to find a man of steel.

My body and back are very tight, sore, and in pain. I am slow walking today because of it. I don’t know how much I’ll get done at work. I know that, technically, since I gave notice 17 days ago… it would be wiser and smarter for everyone if we switched from “CK doing case work” to “CK shutting everything down and helping move stuff to the new office” but… these guys don’t exactly make great planning decisions. They usually just load up their plates with everything they can, then react when they need to. But… yeah. 17 Days down (more than 2 weeks) and 33 days to go. Though of those… 8 of those are already spoken for due to Office Move or Trial. And yes that includes a few Saturdays/Sundays for Office Move. Due to my pain and my… increasing “over it” with this firm… I am looking forward to
(1) Sleeping
(2) Working out, assisted, to lose weight and build strength in a healthy way that supports my body instead of destroys or tortures my body
(3) Video Games
(4) Hopefully not feeling “fight or flight” quite so often
(5) This damned eye twitch going away.

So… yesterday we hung out with my brother, sister-in-law, a friend of theirs from High School, and their daughter. Just adults and a child, hanging out, playing board games, and eating chili. Sounds like a fun time. And it was. But on the drive back, Wife cried. Because “it is hard” for her not to compare herself to my brother and sister-in-law. Because when we are hanging out with them, all Wife sees is how she isn’t “as put together” or as “financially independent” or as “adult” as they are. I try to encourage her that she shouldn’t compare herself with other people… especially people she’s only known as adults… and didn’t watch them get to this point. BUT it is no use. She compares, she feels like shit and then… last night… officially announced that she doesn’t think she wants kids. So… there’s that new wrench in the damned system. Not that I’m in a terrific place right now to be a father personally… but the idea of that option being taken off the table certainly doesn’t make me happy. I get that she is turning 38 this year whereas I am only turning 34… but still. I really don’t like the idea that my wife is now adding in yet another issue. Sometimes I wonder if this is a form of self-sabotage. That her own feelings of inadequacy and her own self-hate drive her to actively doing things that push others away. Like… not saying “I love you”, not being or returning physical affection, random moratoriums on sex, randomly selecting which of my hobbies or interests she is “over” and “would prefer (I) never involve her” about. It’s just… I think, despite herself, that she realizes that she is going to have to change again… change job or change attitude about job… and instead she is channeling that energy into other places.

AND AGAIN… gorram frelling College Aged Chinese Foreign National bastards. Same kid from last week. “I don’t want to put a license plate on my expensive car. I refuse to accept this ticket. Why won’t you tell me how to fight this ticket?”
(1) It isn’t worth fighting, shut up
(2) If you want to call an attorney’s office about fighting a ticket, you have to pay us to do so… not merely ask for advice and get free assistance
(3) If we are compassionate enough to give you the free assistance of “Here is the law. You’re screwed.” TAKE THE HINT.

Damn! Chinese Girl just shouting about how she doesn’t want to pay the ticket and doesn’t want to plead guilty and doesn’t want the State to punish her. It is a fine, it doesn’t affect your immigration, it doesn’t affect your ability to drive… get the fuck over it.

I find myself sitting at my desk, trying desperately to ignore the screaming pain located near or around my thoracolumbar fascia on my right side. The pain certainly distracts from my ability to focus or do my work, I can say that with strength. But in trying to distract myself from my pain, my mind tries to remind me of things to look forward to in my work break that I have not yet spent adequate time contemplating.

Primarily… words. I will get more time to read. I will get more time to write. And perhaps I’ll never be a great author. Perhaps nothing I write will ever be published again. But writing again will be nice. Not simply this. Though, I appreciate that people come here to read the random, uncollected thoughts of my mind. But real writing. To create a character, get to know them, set them out into the world and enjoy the exploration of that world while also creating it. I have no illusions that I could be great or even successful. Especially in this day and age. But even trying to capture A voice. Trying to tell A story. That would be worthwhile.

Grumble.

Over the weekend, Chinese Boss got three more cases for us. All from Iowa City (114 miles away). Driving Under Suspensions. That are also attached to things like “Operating without Registration” and “Failure to Provide Proof of Insurance”. So… stupid kids, stupid Chinese kids, stupid Chinese kids driving around without a valid license, a valid vehicle registration, and no insurance. A recipe BEGGING for a massive accident where everyone involved is screwed because of my client’s stupidity and irresponsibility. And I say my client because… yeah. Chinese Boss went looking for these cases.... got these cases from more than 100 miles away… and despite my impending departure in 33 days… she assigns the cases to me.

Oh, and the best part is after she assigns me the cases, she asks me to e-mail her about “when or if the client needs to appear in court.” Because apparently, after doing this for 3 to 4 years… she still doesn’t know when people need to appear in court. I’d be angry about it but my back hurts so much I only have the energy and focus to be slightly dejected instead.

And now the day is wrapping up. My back is killing me. I almost fell asleep while on hold with the DOT. My body is, quite truly, telling me that I need April. Which is good.

Something else that I have already realized will be huge for my spirit and emotions this time as opposed to other times between work? Social Media. At this job, there is a lot of social media stuff. At other times in between jobs, I was on social media a lot. That is a great way to get depressed and convince yourself out of positive feelings. But this time?

Between my weight loss goals… my reading and writing goals… my video game goals… my cooking goals… and my social/family goals? I don’t think that is going to be a problem this time.

That being said… I do need to keep this in mind and work on it: