Inside Out in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

My mind was cluttered during the night keeping me from sleep. No matter how much I knew I had placed all of Blue's well-being or future or lack of one in God's hands my mind was still occupied with thoughts. I finally fell into a fitful sleep after 4 a.m. waking often, mostly to phone texts or odd sensations in my body that startled me awake. I dreaded waking, knowing there would come a point I would have to call the hospital to ask for the results of the surgery. I waited until ninety minutes after the time the cardiologist anticipated finishing the surgery (if all went well) then made myself get out of bed. I was lost. Deciding if I were to hear bad news it would benefit me to have eaten something before finding out I made something to eat, I don't remember what. My mind was bent.

Just after I started to eat my dad called and we talked for a long while. As much as possible, based on his personal experience with open heart surgery, he helped me understand what Blue will be experiencing in the coming days and weeks. I was surprised. There really are things many people don't talk about honestly or intimately, and the recovery process of open heart surgery is in that category. My dad was very supportive of the position I am taking in Blue's life right now and further encouraged me to consider the not too distant future and what role I will play then. I appreciate the depth of love my dad can give to me during these times. He understands I am truly beside myself and want to do what is best, knowing I need to take care of myself first. He also knew way back when I had committed to being available to help Blue if he ever REALLY needed me.

Feeling stronger after talking with my dad I put on my big girl panties and called the hospital. They were wheeling Blue into recovery as I rang and suggested I call back in a hour. I didn't have to because the surgeon called 30 minutes later. Overall the surgery went well, the bypass was completed without complication. The aneurysm was a different matter. The surgeon chose to not remove it, thinking there would be more complications and risks than if he left it for how. He said it should be just fine. That seems odd to me, because the word aneurysm has brought forth many scary moments among people I know this past year, but it's important I remember each person/case is different. For now, what matters is Blue came through the surgery alive. God laid His blessings on this, I accept it for exactly what it is.

I put several hours of phone calls together throughout the day. I don't remember there ever being a time I felt so tired going through a hospitalization with Blue. I guess it is because I'm not there so every cell of my brain has to retain short relayed random information without being able to witness the corresponding evidence. And this is a very different type of process. Blue has been in recovery since 11 a.m., twelve and a half hours ago, and he will remain there until tomorrow sometime provided he continues to remain stable. Usually it's surgery, recovery room, wake-up and your out of there to a room or home before you can see clearly.

My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride for several days. Last night when the cardiologist explained the severity of Blue's heart attack I started getting mindful and putting emotions on hold. That only lasted a while, my heart overtook me once there were no more people to talk with, no more documents to confirm, and no more not saying goodbyes were done. I found myself wailing like a wolf to the moon at random moments, the same as I did before and after Tucker died. When I though about it I decided God is nearing my limit of accepting losses in my life this past year. I know God will get me through it, He brought me to it, and I know this is all for the peculiar glory He would have me know someday. It is not mine to ask, "Why?" I just have to know He has promised it is for my good.

Of course I've had to be cautious who I share that type of thinking with. Or I should have been more cautious would be better stated. My best friend thinks I'm crazy as a bed bug believing God has something good in this for me. It doesn't help to be told I should never talk about it and just let the cards fall where they might, really I have to stretch to not feel angry and find that blatantly insensitive. Truth is I am angry (and I will get over it) that there have been people from many parts of my life who offered to do whatever they can to help me help Blue and some people told me I CAN'T accept that help. I might not, but it is my decision to make, for my reasons. The timing factor here was just crummy. It seems I should be focusing on my prayers, time alone with God, myself, and those who care about Blue and not worrying about the knuckleheads who want to t their two cents worth of opinion in.

My family has been surprisingly kind. When I asked Blue to leave last year they all quietly let me let him go. All of them have been quick to express their concern, best wishes, how much they liked him and request I keep them informed. (If you've been reading over the years then you know my family is not long on the involvement in my life factor.)

Because this is stressful, beyond my reach, in God's plan and more than I could ever handle I got several prayer chains taking it to God around the clock. I have learned a few things along the last couple of years and a big one is I don't have to go any of this alone. There are plenty of prayer warriors out there waiting to do the work of the Saints. If you're on the team, join in and lift Blue up to God for healing and emotional comfort and drop a prayer for me, too. I'd appreciate the love.

Time to attempt some sleep. Tomorrow I have another doctor appointment myself and I'd like to be able to communicate with my brain running on at least half-steam.