Never remember......? in Memories.....or lack thereof...

What if I never remember? This is the question I can’t stop asking myself tonight. It’s one I never truly allowed myself to consider. Ya I know there’s always the possibility of not remembering but it’s just a tiny unlikely possibility right, that’s what I’ve always thought, always told myself. Then tonight I watched a movie that changed the whole thing. But I’m getting ahead of myself here, let me explain. I am 35 but I don’t remember my childhood, barely remember my teens and even now as an adult I find I have forgotten way more than I think I’ll ever remember. You see, I have Dissasociative amnesia from childhood trauma. Basically I have 0 memories from birth to around age 14/15 and even then is extremely spotty. I don’t remember who I was, birthdays, important events, nothing. Even after the dark years I don’t remember alot, I don’t recall hardly any of my birthdays or Christmases, schools or school friends, holidays or illnesses. All In Various degrees, like for instance I remember more Christmases than school friends, but I remember more school friends than birthdays etc. This tortured me for years. I have had panic attacks and depression and waking up screaming from nightmares that I don’t remember but I cant deal with any of it because I don’t have memories to be able to deal with the source. Then one day I had 1 memory come back, and I decided I didn’t want to remember. It wasn’t a bad memory persay just of a hand coming toward me with a white background but it was the emotion, my anger, that came with it that scared me. So I decided that I didn’t want to remember but steeled myself for the “inevitable” day I would start getting memories back. I never truly entertained what it would mean if I never remembered. Then tonight we watched the movie “The Vow” . I didn’t know that it would hit so close to home. The only difference is the cause of the memory loss and the fact that I have no bridge between the two worlds and the movie character does. I was ok through most of it but at the end it revealed that it was based on a true story and that woman the movie is based on......NEVER REGAINED HER MEMORY! I knew it could happen, I’ve been told, but I had never heard of it before so I guess this just hit me. It’s like that saying, you don’t know what you have until you don’t have it. I didn’t know I still wanted my memories until I was really faced with the fact that some people never get them back. How do I deal with this? I will be doomed to forever dissapoint people, never be able to say ” yes I remember that”, always be embarrassing myself when someone knows me and I don’t know them. How do move forward.......