Truly This Is What Made Me... in Chapter 9 : Oil Above Water

Who the fuck am I? Where do I stand in the world now? How do I even begin to identify myself now?

Identity’s almost as weird a topic as freedom (ICYMI). Who was I before it happened? Who am I now?? I was a completely different girl. I’ve always been a little on the Wednesday side of life. You don’t come the other side of what I’ve been through in a twin set and pearls whist huming ‘Que Sera Sera’. I used to be a party girl, I loved being on and working on the scene. I was young, free, single and THIN. I had more than my share of fun tbh, life was a game and I sure knew how to play it. Then it happened and my life went absolutely bat shit crazy, probably because I did.

So who have I become? I became a victim, and now I’m morphing in to a survivor. Physically I’m easily identified as “Kit, with the hair”, some identify me by my sexuality. Others through my relationships “Bub’s Mum”, “Hetty’s Daughter” or “Rosa’s Granddaughter”. I guess the state of my head on the day depends on how I identify myself. First and foremost, I’m Kit, and honestly that’s the only label that I should need to wear, all the others are either fairly specific or completely irrelevant. I’m not a tin of soup for fucks’ sakes.

A lot has happened since 2011. I feel pregnant at the end of the year, and honestly, that was when I felt like I was a woman. In 2012 I became a mother, and everything shifted because of the little tiny person I brought in to the world. Then I did it again and made another little person. Being a mother has moulded itself into part of my identity, how could it not when it’s changed my world forever. It changes how you look at the world, it makes you a bit more judgmental than you’d like to admit to being. Suddenly it’s not just about protecting yourself, it’s about protecting them too. Everything I do is for Bub & Pidge but I’d like to think I’m more than just their Mum. One of my friends told me that he thinks I’m an activist because I want to be the change that I want to see in the world. I like to think of myself as being a Warrior, fighting for change, I want the world to be a better place when I leave it than it was when I came in to it. Fat chance of that if the way the world is going at the moment is anything to go by.

Maybe ignorance would be bliss? The only problem is that I cannot have been put on this planet to suffer the way I have for no reason. I have to have a purpose, I have to be here to solve some sort of problem. Maybe my legacy will reveal my identity??