Okay, So... in meh...

There was a point in time last year, I think, where I was angry. I was so angry that I wrote a lament to God in this here space. One of the things I mentioned was that one of the wrongs done to me was being molested. This was multiple times and multiple people until I was old enough to know how to stay out of harms way.

I’ve been listening to a lot of stuff and hearing women talk about their experience. They’ve spoken about how they were made to feel ashamed so they didn’t tell anyone. I grew up in a strict, religious household with my mom and aunt and grandparents and given those odds, it would have been said I was at fault somehow. Honestly. If at 14 or 15 years old, your aunt came to you and said you were trying to sleep with/steal her husband from her, you would realize what I say is true. My grandmother was determined I was some harlot who would become a crack head because I allegedly didn’t listen. The problem is, I did listen, no one else did though.

Other than the situation I wrote about with those men on the bus when I was late for school one day, the last time any attempt was made on me was when I was about 15.

I was about 14 when my dad’s brother was hit by a car. He and my younger cousin were walking across the street and a car came out of nowhere and he pushed her out of the way, saving her life, but was hit in the process. She was scratched up a bit, but he was in a coma for 6 months. He wasn’t the same. He was, but he wasn’t. His walking is not good, as he uses a cane and his speech is slurred. He can speak clearly, but it’s slow and his processing is slow a bit.

One of my cousins started working where my mom did during the time he got out of his coma. He was still in the hospital and anytime someone came to see him, he asked about me or said everyone was me. I don’t know why he was fixated on me. So at some point he came home. Somehow, we started talking on the phone everyday. It was usually sometime in the afternoon and he would call and we’d talk about absolutely nothing. I was just appeasing him and eventually would look forward to ignoring his calls. Wish Caller ID was around sooner because I would not have answered. I was 15. I wanted to talk to my friends, not make small, stupid talk about shit I don’t care about with my uncle that called ME every damn day.

On July 4th, I decided that I would go hang out with him because he was always calling me and I was that kind of kid. It was cool. I mean I had other cousins and relatives over there that I wanted to hang with and see, as well as seeing my grandmother, but yeah I went to see him and hang out with him. And it was cool. Nothing funny. We went for a walk around the block. I was there what seemed like all day.

So, a week after this, I get a phone call from him and he asked me if he could ask me a question. I’m like sure. He asked if I would get mad when he asked me. I said I don’t know what you want so I don’t know if I’ll get mad or not. Then, this dirty mfr asked me if he could have sex with me. Actually he said make love to me just one time. I said no. He begged please. I said no. He had the audacity to ask why. I said 1) it’s wrong, 2) I’m your brother’s daughter 3) NO it’s wrong. He kept asking and saying just one time. Now mind you, I was having sex by this time, but not with anyone I was related to. Come on now. That’s beyond gross. And I guess that’s when I decided I can’t be a victim. I stood my ground. After he accepted that it wasn’t going down, he said not to tell anyone. He said don’t be mad.

I never told anyone but my best friend and she said That’s what he was up to. Always calling and wanting to see you and hang around. Her father molested her and her sister and she was getting therapy for it. She understood. I’ve never openly discussed this part of my life. I think if I ever gave my mother a run down of a lot of stuff that happened to me she would feel like a shit parent. At any rate, needless to say I avoided all of his calls. I just didn’t answer the phone or if I did I’d say I’d call him back and never did. I was so done with him.

Fast forward many years later, he actually touched my daughter. She was at my grandmother’s house with my niece and she went to use the bathroom upstairs. He caught her coming out, grabbed her arm, and post accident, he was STRONG, and he felt her up. She sat down and was quiet until my sister came. This only came out when she acted out with one of my little cousin’s. I was angry and I talked to her and asked her what was up and if anyone did anything. She said, “Uncle over grandma’s house.” So I politely put on my t-shirt, jeans and shoes and walked to my grandmother’s house to kill him. I stopped by and told my mother I would be back. She asked where I was going. I said, I was going to granny’s house to kill him. She must have called my sister and she, in turn, called my dad. I was met at the door and no one would let me in. He stood at the door yelling how he didn’t do anything. Apparently my dad was on the phone and I was given the phone to talk to him and he told me he’d handle things and to go home.

I never spoke to my uncle again for many years after that. The one time we were faced with each other, I chose to ignore him and he had the nerve to say don’t be like that. I think we were at church which prevented me from saying FUCK YOU (because I respect the house of the Lord) your perverted raggedy bastid.

Fast forward to a conversation that my niece and I had on Tuesday. He was caught on camera touching one of my cousin’s grandchildren, who was sleeping at the time. This little boy is like 2yo maybe. His father and my nephew caught him and my nephew elbowed him in the face. My aunt (his sister) and the great grandmother said that wasn’t what happened. Come to find out, after viewing the tape, that’s exactly what happened.

This has been in my head and it has made me angry. He may have some kind of brain damage, but he ain’t that damn damaged that he doesn’t know right from wrong. He is that uncle in the family you tell the kids to stay away from. And that my family keeps trying to protect him and saying he’s not right and hasn’t been right since the accident.

It made me wonder if this is the cause of the behavior of this cousin’s children. She had lots of babies starting at a young age and all of those kids are bad as fuck. Well most of them are. At least one of the boys is an openly closeted homosexual. This means while no one talks about it, everyone knows it. They spent a lot of time at my grandmother’s house as did a lot of kids because my granny was the one who watched everyone just about. I really wonder.

Then, it left me wondering if he molested me even before that incident, definitely pre-accident. I know there is this feeling I would get when someone touched me inappropriately. I would be afraid and tears would well up. I remember being young, little, like I still played with baby dolls little. It was Christmas time and he was making a big deal about my dad buying him some boots for Christmas. He had on this cobalt blue outfit and this vest that looked like fur or feathers, it was fluffy. I remember being uncomfortable around him always. I think we (my brother was with me) were on our way home, or we were somewhere in a car and it was dark. I may have been fighting going to sleep and I remember him talking to me about baby dolls and the way he said, “You like baby dolls? I’m going to buy you a baby doll.” My brother and I weren’t the only ones in the car, but I think he was driving and I know I was sitting next to him. I remember lights from oncoming traffic and his voice about the baby dolls. Maybe nothing happened then, but I remember being uncomfortable around him because she seemed snake-like and oily.

But I truly wonder why my aunts and uncles and dad won’t have him thrown in jail. Cripple or not, that’s where he needs to be. If he ever dies, I will not go to his funeral. Perhaps the after party though.

The last time I went over to that house I had Bubby Sr. with me and I made it my business to keep him away from him. You will NOT be ruining another generation of my family. I told my Aunt about it and she was so mad, but of course because no wrong was done at that time, she decided to let it be.

So that was it.
Rather long, but so. I’ve been thinking about this since my niece told me.
Woke up angry wanting to set him on fire.
Even the fires of hell are too good for him.
Roast him slowly, die slow.

Sister

Last updated February 08, 2018