I Don't Want Sex Tomorrow in Days of My Destiny

Tomorrow, I have no plans. Little L will be at preschool for the first time in her life. For the first time in my life, I will have 6 hours to myself, while both my children are in some sort of professional care/institution, without me having to rush off to uni or work.

I am not struggling with this, rather, I am intrigued.

Intrigued as to how my day will go. Intrigued as to how I may feel throughout the day. Intrigued at the quietness and stillness that will be available to me, without having to feel guilty or selfish - because having both my children away from me tomorrow (and once a week thereafter) will be a NATURAL process of life. It won't be the result of me desperately needing to get away to keep my sanity. It just Will Be.

So L is on night shift, which means he can be there on Little L's first day. He is happy about this. I am grateful, too. I am grateful at my man's involvement in my children's lives. If he were on day shift, then I'd simply drop my children off, and then see where my heart led me. I may have driven to another town, I may have driven home. But seeing as he will be with me, I will now drive home. I now have a plan - to drive home.

He said to me this morning, "Let's make love tomorrow." I smiled.

This is something we have waited for - to have the house to ourselves at daytime, to muck around or watch a movie or do whatever we please for a while.

But somehow.... I don't want to make love to him tomorrow. I certainly don't want to PLAN to. To me, this whole change is sacred. As this new way of life approaches, I want to take the first day to be silent and still, to reflect, to listen to my heart, to nurture myself completely. And you know what... when I think about that, sex just doesn't even come into the equation.

I figure we will have plenty of time for that any other week!

I also think, well.... Colour, you will have plenty of time for quiet and stillness and reflection and nurturing any other week, too.

The thing is.... this is really important to me. I feel that if I wait one more week, just one more week to really nurture who I am, that it will feel upsetting. That I will feel as though I have cheated myself. Whereas to make love? I can be way more patient for that.

You know?

But part of me also feels guilty that I will have to let him down gently. If I do, I'll simply tell him how it is, tell him my thought process on all of it, but it still will be a letdown for him.

You know, when we first got serious, I said to myself that I would NEVER be one of those wives who rejects romance because of a 'headache'. I always thought that was lame. I never would become one of those women who just uses any excuse to get out of sex. You know why? Because I enjoy sex, and not just that, I LOVE it! To this day! It never gets old with this same guy, year after year!

But this....... tomorrow...................... feels different.

I feel like, well, he's a grown man, he can handle it. I really need this day to be for ME. I feel like... it's already enough that I'm going to HAVE TO come home FIRST rather than following my heart on my feet. That already feels like a small ... inconvenience. I need this day to be for me, I need to allow myself to be selfish, if you know what I mean. I need to have that complete freedom to not know what I'm actually doing for the day. If L hadn't mentioned making love, it may have well happened anyway, and that would be totally fine. I just need the whole ball to be entirely in my court. Tomorrow is MY day. I don't want to leave L at preschool thinking, "Right, tick that off the list, now time for sex." No way!!! Lol. I want to be able to leave L at preschool thinking, ".................." I don't know, whatever it is that will come into my mind at that moment. It might be, "I might go for a coffee now," or, "I will go home and sew," or, "I might browse some shops," anything. I don't want to plan for anything. And I ESPECIALLY don't want to leave my children in order to then look after somebody else's wants and needs.

I think I will have to let him down gently. I hope he understands. (I'm sure he will, even if he is disappointed.)