Get. Out. in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

So… my head is a weird place right now. It is usually a weird place but… even more so right now.

Like… I’m feeling anxiety… just from the idea of what I’m about to do. Because “self love” and “self help” are such foreign concepts to me so that now that I am getting closer to voluntarily saying “Thanks for letting me keep working here but I don’t wanna”..... and I think about the future. About getting healthier. About getting more rest. About having time to see people and go places. And that all makes me anxious. Just because it is so much change and all for a reason I am still struggling to see as “acceptable.”

It is just… weird. I’m upset with myself that after such an excellent week last week of hard work and good hours… this week has already gone off with a “You don’t have much to do” kind of vibe.

But then (as I said… head is a weird place now)… my mind will remind me of something my bosses said/did within just the last three weeks that makes me think, “Fuck this, fuck them, I’m fucking out!” So… I’m in this “anxiety about leaving” turns to “fuck these fucking fucks” turns to “The important thing is you are doing this for you” turns to “anxiety about leaving.” The big one that jumped into my head just now? So, I was just about to sit down and do some research here. When Chinese Boss & White Boss’s voices filled my head from memory about an issue a few weeks back.

Their words: “What doesn’t make sense to me is why you would spend two hours on research when we asked you to do 4. And the research you gave us was wrong. Like… why didn’t you spend more time on research and why was it wrong?” My response: “I didn’t feel like I was on the right track and I didn’t want to sink several hours into going down the wrong path. So I sent you what I had to see if I was on the right direction.” They weren’t thrilled with that response. It was still, “But you didn’t do enough research. And what you gave us was wrong. Now I don’t understand that.” So… that is playing through my head as a solid inspiration to make sure I get my resignation letter perfected for Friday.

It is still hard not to feel like I’m being a dick or something though. Not even for letting this firm down. Anywhere from 60 to 80% of the time, they can sod off. But… for working so hard to (1) be a lawyer; then (2) working hard to get the job I wanted; but then (3) having to work hard to get to a proper location; only to (4) work hard being jerked around most of the year; so that now (5) I’m transitioning to a point where I’ll just be focusing on getting myself physically and mentally healthy? It is… a weird and confusing path to walk.

THOUGH… I really don’t feel bad about leaving Tiny Town. I mean… leaving a well paying job with the job title of my dreams doing a job where I was paid to do almost literally nothing? I miss parts of that. But… the 2018 County Attorney Audit Survey was just published. Tiny Town’s County Attorney? Still part time. Assistant County Attorney? Not Applicable. So… there is your proof that I needed out of there. If they don’t have enough work to justify a single full-time employee? (And knowing the board, it isn’t exactly that they didn’t have the work, they just didn’t have the budget). It does make me sad though. There are 33 Counties that have Part Time County Attorneys. The new judicial budget says that they might lose 30 Court Houses. It is likely a safe bet that the counties that have Part Time Attorneys are the ones most likely at risk. But that will RUIN Rural Iowa! People will (1) drive farther; (2) create more work for the counties; (3) and cram already small jails.

One thing that I am not going to miss at all? Cell Phone as Work Phone. Fuck. That. Remember how pissed I was when the County Attorney gave my cell phone number out to a defendant? Now explode that number. Because now every person I deal with has my cell phone number. Meet a random stranger at a Chinese event that wants to call me; grab my business card. Did I run into someone three months ago that said they were interested in immigrating? That person could literally call me whenever and start asking immigration questions. (This happened): I could be getting drunk, watching Sci Fi movies with my wife on a Saturday… client calls. (This happened): I could be playing Dragon Lance with a whole mess of my friends when… client calls and takes up my whole day. Yeah. Frankly… this is a big part of “Values” Driven Lifestyle Choice. I’m leaving the firm that doesn’t even give me an office phone. I’m not asking for them to pay for a separate cell phone or anything… I’m talking about an actual phone in the office. WE DON’T HAVE ONE. Not in the entire law firm. Seems… well… seems like you are begging to never have time away from work, if work is always in your pocket.

Not to mention how many times Chinese Boss acts more like a client than a professional attorney. I mean, granted, she has repeated many times that she no longer wishes to be an attorney and just wants to “run the business” but… damn. We have a client who is worried about his criminal matter. It makes sense. Yesterday, I pestered the County Attorney because this is a time sensitive matter. No response. Today, I pestered the County Attorney who said she was working on it. However this is unacceptable to boss who wants it done now. Well, I’m not in charge of how quickly The State works. And as it is The State… I think it would in our client’s best interest to stay on as much of their good side as possible. FURTHER… while you are freaking out on me, the client and the victim have both been pestering the County Attorney as well. AND (what should be more of a chagrin).... a different county attorney is waiting on us because the Chinese Client who received his paperwork last week still hasn’t returned it to us to file. So… hey lady… instead of crawling up my ass to try to see if I can force another attorney to do their job faster… how about you work with your client to make sure he gets us the paperwork before it becomes Past Due and he gets in trouble… which you will, inevitably, take out on me.

Thus… confident in my decision, again, of course. Still a bit with the anxiety on (1) how it will be received; (2) what the fall out might be; (3) if I’ll ever work again… y’know… small stuff.

Last updated February 06, 2018