today. um. in 2017. got it.

btw i’m in quite a bit of pain right now. [again.].

today was. um actually fairly easy untill about 5:40 or so. yeah um prior to that. i did my laundry. [well ok i washed my bed sheet. well that’s laundry. yes sheet as in singular.]. i didn’t.........er it didn’t dry completely in the dryer. [not cause of the dryer but cause of.......me.]. yeah well as soon as the lady left to go pick up jennifer. i put my sheet in the. washing machine for 20 mins. put it in the dryer for like 10 maybe. cause i didn’t want her to be at the house when..........i was only washing/drying the one item. cause she’d probably say something about that. again. but hey i got it done.

so. yeah when valerie [she’s my mentor] & i were in the paper.............paper..............towel area of the store she moved in front and past me to my right to look at something. and suddenly the whiteness of things the items and the shelves moved really fast for a sec there. all blurry. like whoa slow down.

so she’d brought her dog w/ her. i mean when we were out he stayed in the car. [the weather was ok for this btw.]. he’s a boxer pitbull. he seemed good. but when we were. going back to the house he moved forward and put himself by my um. br***t area. and that.made me uncomfortable. so i moved and i’m ‘excuse me’. but i was like a bit set off by that. and also. something had come over me. it might just be that nerves on my..........left side are massively sensitive but after he did that i’m thinking ‘don’t ever do that again’ and then ‘what’s the best way to handle this?’ so then, you know. i told him ‘excuse me’ and moved. the dog that is the ‘him’ being the dog.

also. when he put his head by me he pushed against my arm. yeah that was painful.

so when we were at the house waiting for the lady. well i was set off and feeling a bit explosive. and valerie & i went to the front door. so after a minute i heard her tell me ‘i’m going back to the car’ [which wasn’t she actually said. yeah i can’t hear] and so i’m ‘i’m. going to stay here or in the car’ just so she knew where i was at. well apparently what she actually said was ‘let’s, go back to the car’ not ‘i’m going’. oh. but no actually. even though it was dark out and actually still is i would’ve rather. stayed outside. as i’d been set off and needed time/air. like i’m not a big fan of winter but i............like that it’s still.

i ended up going back to the car. cause. reasons. [actually cause of anxiety.].

omygod i can’t handle bright lights. particularly in a dark setting. i had trouble w/ them before, the TBI. they’re distracting and i was this/close to reaching over and grabbing her phone out of her hands. cause that’s how much the light of the phone bothered me. like omygod. please just cover your phone. i didn’t do that though. i turned away from her so i wouldn’t. this is the difficult thing about being in a car and being set off. and then the uh. light of her pen charger thing was bothering me.

so i. went places after that ptsd related. i was doing the um. back and forth breathing [it may sound weird but humans actually..........um breathe the wrong way. we’re supposed to breathe back and forth not up and down. i think] mainly so i wouldn’t pss o* in her car.

i was so glad to get out of there. not bc of anything out of the ordinary that she’d said/done, exactly. but bc um. i wasn’t in a good place.