Is This Creative Writing? in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I don’t know if this is an entry or creative writing. I don’t much care either way, actually. It just.... complicates where I put this.

The snow continues. MASSIVE (unbelievably massive) crash on the highway near Ames. White Boss left early to make sure that his house was going to be okay and because he can work from home today. Chinese Boss has been on the phone talking in Chinese all day. I’ve written my e-mails, made my phone calls, and keep fighting this urge to say fuck it, go home, and take a nap. Because apparently, I really do need all weekend to recover from a week of work. Not “laid back, recover” but legitimately sleep and do nothing. That isn’t a great way to live and it is a terrible way to be a friend or husband. I’m not even second-guessing leaving my current job anymore. That ship has sailed and I waved goodbye until it became a small shadow on the water. I will most certainly put into place my plan to leave here. But at the end of the day… I’m not doing it because “fuck my bosses” and I’m not doing it because “fuck this job.” I’m doing it for me. Because of things like this morning… where for a moment, I envied a dead woman. Not in a suicidal way; but in a “rest is good” way. And I need to figure out my shit. I hate admitting weakness. I hate admitting that I come up short of greatness. I hate admitting that I’m not Superman. What’s more.... what’s worse.... is even if I make it clear that I’m not trying to hurt the firm and even if I make it clear that I’m not a crippled individual… I just don’t know if these people would be willing to give me a good recommendation if they get called a few months after I quit. I mean honestly… I do think two or three months is a good stretch of time for what I need. Physical Therapy/Trainer, more than 4-6 hours of sleep per night, setting my body for a more consistent lifestyle of “less travel, more regular sleep, and the ability to do house-work or be a friend on the weekends.” I do need that. And if the Attorney Field would look at that and say, “Then you shouldn’t be one of us”… I’ll flip ‘em the bird and say, “I beg to differ.” Because, shit. YES, I want to be a prosecutor and would do far better there than anywhere else. BUT if it becomes 2019, and I can’t get hired as a prosecutor anywhere? Which may well happen… I can still do volunteer work, take appointments… I mean… honestly, with the position my Wife and I are in? We don’t need that much money in our lives. In fact, we thought we’d be hemorrhaging when I took a job that would (1) remove health benefits; and (2) cut my salary in half. We’ve actually been able to grow our accounts. So, yeah… one income we actually will start to lose money in our lives. But, for the sake of argument… we went from $7.50 to $5.50 and discovered that we were able to still save money. Now we’ll be at $3.00. Even if I take appointments on a “limited basis”… I could still bring us up to anywhere between $4.00 to $5.20. So… the worst case scenario has me healthier, happier, and more in control of my own life… while simultaneously not killing us financially. Besides, and I’ve been thinking about this a lot.

Remember January 2016? When Wife realized that there was no way she could remain in Tiny Town and would be moving back to Des Moines in June and I was “welcome to come with her.” The plan then was that she would return to Wal Mart full time (so we could have some benefits) and I would take some time to figure out how to keep my body healthier, see if I couldn’t do (perhaps) an impromptu internship to see how this County did things, and maybe volunteer or take appointments. Instead, I got offered a job I was leery about but… whereas in Tiny Town I said, “I’m leery of the location but better to get experience and a paycheck”.... here I said, “Right location. Leery about the job. But better to get experience and a paycheck.” Well… I’ve now taken two jobs “for the experience and the paycheck.” I’ve learned a lot about myself, about the law, and about how I am/what I want to be in regards to all of that. So… for that reason… good experiences. But… I think it’s time. It is time that I allow myself to not “push”, “push”, “push” all the time. Call me a pussy if you want. But honestly?

I burned through all of my energy reserves in High School. I tried to do the same in College until I was literally in so much pain that I could not walk. Best Buy was a cycle of burn out, recover, burn out, recover. Law School is all push push push push. Bar Exam Study is all push push push push. Getting that first law job is push push push push. And I know… I’ve heard the argument that life is “push push push” until the day you die, so get used to it. But… I mean… is it? Is it really true that people never get a reprieve? A break? Frankly… if that is true? It just means that I need this break even more. Because if it never happens… and it is something I need to do… than doing it right now is the best time to do it.