Quiet the body in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

My body seems to be ruling me lately, along with my poison mind.
I got some advice to quiet the body and listen to the soul.
I don’t think I know how to do that…I mean, I have unsuccessfully attempted meditation several times, the best I can do is guided meditation, which I feel like is probably less valuable than actually just sitting in silence trying to focus on your own mantra.

There have been a few times, back when I was sober, when I was able to actually focus in silence, and I had some pretty calming effects, but no profound breakthroughs of any sort.

I know I need to start exercising more, too.

I feel like maybe a part of my body is panicking…or my mind maybe?
Like, I am going through so many changes right now, on a mental and spiritual level, and I can feel these changes happening, and it’s unsettling for me because I am an inconsistent creature of habit…which I guess means I change my habits pretty regularly, but once I form one I tend to stick to it for as long as I can until I am forced to break the cycle from some external force.

Maybe these changes are freaking me out on a subliminal level and I am grasping to drinking and vaping and sleeping because it is familiar to me.

Lately, I find myself sleeping for hours longer than I actually need to…like, I’ll wake up at a certain point in the morning, and I can tell my brain is awake and ready to go, but I will have just been in the middle of a dream that is so intense and so visceral that I want to go back to it to see what happens…and inevitably, when I close my eyes and allow myself to drift back to sleep, I always end up falling back into the same dream I just came out of.

In my last dream that I just reluctantly woke from, I was doing a ton of boarding, and it was awesome.

I was snowboarding down this giant mountain, just carving the shit out of it, and there was no one else around…I was absolutely in the middle of nowhere. I remember at one point thinking to myself, “This might be a point of no return, this might be the end of me if I keep going…I’m going to get lost.” But I just kept going.

Eventually I found myself going down some natural half-pipe, and at the end of the tunnel there was a path that lead directly into a cabin, so I boarded right into the doorway of the cabin and I instantly knew it was my dads cabin…and I thought to myself, “What a clever guy, keeping this cabin out of the knowledge of the rest of the family” and I knew then that he was planning on giving it to me when he died.

I proceeded to take off all of my clothes, because they were wet, and I put them in the washing machine…but suddenly the washing machine was full of piss, and I knew it was going to take extra long to wash my clothes because I had to do two loads, one to just dilute the piss, and another one to actually get my clothes clean.

So, I left out the other side of the cabin, and suddenly I was in Portland, and I was longboarding around the town, I heard some kids talking about how they had reached the bottom of the barrel, they were living in the worst part of town and they didn’t have any money or any family…they were at ground zero for living a shitty life.

I kept skating past them.

I saw another skateboarder coming down this hill the other way than I was going, they were dressed up in all black, with a hood, even their face was covered in blackness, and they skated up to a church, pulled out an AK and just opened fire on this church. I couldn’t believe I was seeing what I was seeing, it was insane…and that’s about when I woke up for the last time.

…

Anyway.

I feel stuck right now.

I mean, not in general…in a lot of ways, I can feel myself moving forward, and it’s a great thing…but when it comes to my vices, I feel stuck.

I hate feeling stuck.

I’ve been thinking about going to AA again…but I hate AA…I am just craving that feeling of community right now, like…everything seems so much easier when you have a community around you.

Is that a bad idea?

I can’t tell.

Sorry for more of the same old bullshit all the time.
I love you.

-Dane