A little bit of everything. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Alex just sent me a video that basically said scientists have found conclusive evidence that vaping causes cancer, it reshapes the DNA in your lungs, heart, and bladder…soooooooo…

…I’m not going to lie and say I’m surprised. I am not naive enough to think that inhaling anything other than air is “good” for you…or even “safe”…and yes I use those words in quotes because living is not necessarily a “good” or “safe” activity…I feel like these terms are all relative and some of us are just more comfortable with our mortality and existing in “the now” than others.

HOWEVER: I would like to be living a better quality of life.

Maybe it’s this “self love” bullshit I’ve been all strung out on lately.

Man, I have been quotation hungry tonight, haven’t I?
Maybe it’s because I watched my first ever episode of Game Of Thrones and I saw all these big titties and it made me hungry for quotation marks, as big titties are wont to do.

There’s something about typing and thinking and expressing the term “big titties” that makes me feel delightfully 15 again.

Anyway, about this better quality of life thing…isn’t that strange?
It’s almost like I’d like to be happy or something.
It’s almost like this EMDR and journey towards finding and accepting self love is starting to manifest itself in positive ways…in very REAL and tangible ways.

Should I have used quotation marks just then for “REAL” and “tangible”?
Oh…never mind, I guess I just got my fix.

…

I went to work today for the first time in a week.
IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
I really don’t understand why, but I was excited to go back. Maybe it was because I have so many friends there…and also because I knew I was going to make some money.
I made almost $200 for a lunch shift, so I mean…not bad.
My boss was happy to see me, asked about my trip, I told her it was great but I was happy to be back.
All my co-workers asked about my trip and told me they missed me.
I got a little bit of exercise in.

I got home from work about 5, changed my clothes and hit the freeway to go hang out with Brittany.

I took a road soda with me because I knew it was going to be bumper to bumper…the drive to DTSA almost always is, except for between the hours of 9 PM and 5 AM.

We caught up and talked a bunch, we watched an episode of Game Of Thrones…BUT!
THE
REAL
COOL
PART
Is that her friend, Kirk, wants to hang out with me.

I’m actually super excited because lately I’ve been spending a lot of time and energy thinking that I would like to expand my friend group…and that I would like it to be a MALE friend, because I feel like I have way more female friends at this point and (no offense ladies) I need some more testosterone in my life.

The cool thing is that Kirk and I have already hung out before and I think he’s a really rad guy, he’s a philosopher, so we have very much to talk about, and he’s very mellow…not really into the party scene.

Pretty much the exact kind of influence I’ve been needing in my life right now.

I don’t know…everything seems to be coming up Dane.

Ever since I got out of the hospital a year ago…I’ve been on a very slow but steady upward trajectory.

My DMT experience in September and my last LSD experience in December have been huge catalysts.
EMDR has probably had the most affect, in helping me to utilize the lessons I learned through my psychedelic experiences, and apply them to my life.

…

Here’s a poem off the top of my head:

I remember the way our bodies made waves.
I remember the pull of the tides and the sandbar that saved us.
I remember it was a prophecy.
I remember the way you threw up ocean water, naked and afraid, and alone even though I was there.

Sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that I was alone too.

I remember splashes of white and blue.
I remember the way they would blend together to make us look sick.
I remember that we were sick.
I remember how sometimes we never wanted to get well.

Sometimes I can’t shake the feeling that we died together.

…

Thanks again for reading.
I know some of you…I don’t know others.
It doesn’t matter though.
You’re a friend to me.
I love you.
I see you.
I love you.
I appreciate you.
I love you.

-Dane