contradicted soulmate in 2018

3:43pm

Do people still believe in soulmates, or is that like some weird conjured up fantasy for romantic movies?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I don’t remember where I saw it, or who mentioned it, but it’s been on my mind. I think I used to believe in soulmates. I used to think that there was one right person out there for me.

But I think that belief died last year after I realized that I’d met my perfect person [ticked all the boxes for how I thought things would go and how I’d feel] and then it turned out that that perfect person wasn’t actually perfect for me. And if he’s not right then who will be?

I know y’all think I’m crazy. Putting so much emphasis on a man who was flaky and uncommitted and didn’t even want me beyond a physical connection. I felt what I felt though and I can’t help any of that. I can’t erase the thoughts.

Something about him coming back the other day made me feel strange. And a little stupid. Yes, it was what I needed and I do feel better about the situation for the most part. But there was also this part of me that did the same thing he did. I wiped the slate clean and started over and that was so damn easy that it scares me.

I think that’s what brought the soulmate thing up in my mind. Like what if he’s supposed to be in my life? What if we’re going to continue to do this back and forth thing until we end up together? That’s kind of what it feels like right now. He’s always gonna come back and I’m always gonna fall right back in to wanting him again.

And I don’t understand why…

I was talking to mom later that night [I know it’s also crazy I tell her everything but it’s the way we work :) ] and I think she brought something up about TF. We were coming home from running errands and picking up prescriptions. I think I was calling him dumb, and she said he wasn’t dumb. Well yeah, but he says some stupid stuff. A few seconds of silence went by and she goes, “but I think you like him more than you like the client.” sigh So true.

I told her that I couldn’t help it. That I didn’t know why I didn’t like the client even though he’s been so nice to me, and bakes me treats, and always wants to talk and hang out. I’m bummed out that I don’t want him more than I do and that I didn’t know why it was happening but you just like who you like and you don’t really get to decide.

I never actually admitted to liking TF, or wanting him more. I just expressed my sadness over not wanting a guy who would be good to me. She said something about how one was stable and the other unpredictable.

Then last night, after I’d had more to drink than I should have for a Tuesday work night, she started talking about him again. About how she was going to tell his brother that TF wanted to be her son-in-law and he should marry us and I don’t know what else. I tried to play it off like a big joke [seriously, I realized this morning that she also talked about setting me up w/another of her clients not even 12 hrs prior to this lol]. I don’t know what I said and she goes, “But you like TF” and I said something like, “I tried the whole TF thing, and it didn’t work out, so I’m moving on.” [And I took a shot of whiskey and went to bed hah. (oh that’s how it came up, because she mentioned something about how he was going to bring us tequila)]

I didn’t actually go to bed though. I went into the bathroom and started crying. Because damnit I was a little bit tispy and emotional, and I did freaken like him and he didn’t like me back!!! Nobody thinks that I was hurt by this or that I had any feelings involved. I did though! Clearly. I’m so sentimental on the inside. I just don’t wear my heart on my sleeve.

sidenote: I was watching married at first sight last night and one of the guys goes “I’d rather be hard to love than easy to leave” and holy cow that should be my slogan. He went on to say that if someone stuck around and tried it was good, but if they didn’t then they really weren’t worth your time anyway and that’s so true. That’s exactly how I’ve always felt but haven’t been able to put into words. So I’m stealing his and maybe I’ll tattoo that across my sleeve instead! ;)

So that’s where I was with the TF thing. I went to bed and I had another good cry and I fell asleep.

Then this morning, well right around noon, I see this guy walking in the door and hmm…he looks familiar…and he kinda looks like TF…
He says he wants to do his paperwork so I look it over to see how difficult it’ll be [mom was busy already] and it seems like something I can handle so I tell him if he’ll give me a few minutes I can help him out. So he goes to sit in the waiting area and he gets on the phone and asks the person on the line where they get their paperwork done. And I assume the person says with us because he says “I’m here now”. He also says, “yeah I’ll tell them.” Then he laughs and calls the person stupid and by now I’m guessing he’s talking to TF but I pretend not to be listening. He laughs some more and he hangs up and says something about how he’s supposed to tell us that his brother sent him over. I go “who’s your brother” because I’m still playing dumb, and he says TF.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Why Universe, why?!?! -_-

I told him that mom does his brother’s paperwork and if he wanted to go with her [I thought maybe TF had told him who to ask for] but he said he didn’t care. He was fine working with me.

I proceeded to spend at least the next hour [maybe more?] sitting, and joking, and working with him. And damn if he doesn’t have that same freaken charm that his brother has! Smooth talking bast*rds. haha.

He gave me such a hard time. He said TF was his favorite brother and that they talked almost every day and got along really well. He insisted that I admit who was cuter. I said I wasn’t going to answer. He said he knew the answer and when I asked who he first said TF. I told him I was pleading the fifth and wouldn’t confirm and he said “it’s alright. I know the real answer is me!” I can’t even tell you how many times I rolled my eyes in that hour.

He asked if the other lady was my mom and then asked why I’d called her by name and joked about how I was trying to be professional. He said his brother had told him about working with us so I asked what he said. He goes, “TF just said that he doesn’t kiss and tell” and the way he said it made me think that he knows more than he lets on. Like he said it that way to gauge my reaction. I never really thought that TF talked about me to anyone but now that I’ve met this brother I think out of everyone he would be the one that knows.

I told him to share all the secrets with me and he said he would but of course never did. Later he even brought up that last year TF had been working with us or something and they’d been in the parking lot talking and they saw me. I said, “yeah you guys honked at me” and he said yeah. He was making jokes about how he was the good looking brother sitting there with him and I told him I couldn’t see with the glare of the truck windshield. haha. When I asked what TF had said about me he said nothing except to say he worked with us. Yeah right. I call bullsh*t! I always suspected he’d made a comment or something. Crazy this guy remembers that from a year ago though!! Like specific details on how it went down!

He was definitely flirting and teasing me throughout the entire time! Even walking over and telling mom that I was supposedly saying how cute he was and that I was staring at him instead of the computer screen and asking if that was against company policy. I guess he acted out the whole thing to her. haha. [What’s with these guys feeling the need to tell her things like that?!] Another time while she was sitting at the desk looking at something he said that I couldn’t stop flirting with him and she said I was fired. I acted all shocked and upset that he’d just gotten me fired and he said that it was ok because he’d hire me. That I could sit with him in the truck all day and I said that was a great idea since I just lost my job. Then he goes, “but you have to tell me how cute I am all the time.”
Me: Ok. If you’re going to pay me I’ll tell you how cute you are as often as you want.
Him: You have to mean it though.
Me: That depends on how much you’re going to pay me!
Him: We can discuss that later…

A little bit after this she was still sitting in my chair so I was standing next to him and I could tell out of the corner of my eye that he’s staring at me. I don’t know why he was staring so long! There’s not that much to look at on my face. haha. So I glance over at him and smile and he laughs/smiles and turns a little red and looks away like he totally got caught. It was pretty dang obvious he was staring at me. I mean he was sitting in the chair with his body facing the wall and his head towards me.

I’m not even gonna lie… The guy is kinda cute. And he’s clearly just as charming as his brother! I saw the cutest picture of him once while I was fb stalking and he was holding/kissing his niece and it was so darn sweet! I think this was the same time that I saw that picture where all the brothers were together and I don’t know if I mentioned it around here or just thought how this guy was probably the one I was the most attracted to in that photo. Now that I’ve met him I’d have to see them side-by-side to decide. ha. If I didn’t know TF I might be interested in getting to know him more. Don’t tell TF! [this all kinda contradicts my previous soulmate comments though huh!?]
At the time I thought he was single, never married, no kids, etc. Turns out he’s divorced, two teenage sons, and maybe an ex-fiancé? He mentioned that last one in passing and then made a joke so I’m not sure if it’s real. He also told me he had four other kids living with their mom and I played along even though I figured it was a lie. It wasn’t until I moved onto something else that he said he was joking. I really don’t know details but there’s definitely baggage. He called his ex-wife the devil in Spanish. And he let me read a couple texts she sent and she was not nice to him. I asked what he did to piss her off and he said nothing. She should be happy because she’s remarried, big fancy house, nice car, etc. That he told her once that she was still in love with him [honestly it seems like it the way she makes things difficult for him for no reason] and apparently she said a lot of words that he couldn’t repeat to me.

There were plenty of jokes. And I did have a little bit of fun. But we’re not telling him that either! ;) I told him it was the longest appointment I’d ever done and he was shocked saying that his brother had to come in here all the time. This is the longest one I’ve done in one sitting though! Which might not be true but at that point I was joking right along with him. Sarcastically agreeing with everything that he was saying. Including the cute/good looking stuff and how I couldn’t stop flirting with him. It was easy to joke around and have fun with it knowing it was all bs. It’s all the same stuff that happened with TF, except I thought TF was serious about liking me and I got wrapped up in it and lost. I misread his playful flirting for feelings and I let myself get too close and get hurt. This was easy knowing it meant nothing. I liked that!

I don’t know why it came up [oh it was because we were joking about something and I called him a “kid”, like “I got stuck w/this kid”] but when he was leaving he said he was old enough to be my father. He repeated something about it to mom who was standing nearby. I said, “that’s weird though! You were kinda hitting on me over there.” He said that he wasn’t and maybe that I was the one flirting with him.

There are so many stories I want to share. I’ll probably come back around and scribble them out later. It’s nice to remember. It was funny, and fun, and I enjoyed flirting with him even though I know these guys well enough to know it’s all bs. They’re all the same. I can see why he says he gets along so well with TF - they’re more alike than the other brother, except TF is not as loud. Flattering nonetheless. I’m okay with admitting that. =]

I am surprised TF has not reached out to ask about his brother coming in. Man I so wish I could know what they’ll say to each other. I’m super curious to hear what this brother will tell him about his meeting today. I know he knows something about me. How do I find out this information? I must know!

Oh look! Time to get ready to go home. I don’t actually have to stay too late today. =)

rose.
6:00pm