Just a few more steps in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

When I resign from here? I will expect surprise… anger… but I am curious to see which will control. If they will say, “You suck anyway” or “We think this is a mistake.” We’ll see. TONIGHT I finalize the Resignation Letter. Everything else on my “Before You Leave” to do list is finished.

But… thinking about the start of this day?

This morning was a particularly difficult “self-compassion” morning. Started my morning off doing research for my Male boss. But even though I found exactly what he asked me to, my inner voice was still repeating negatives. “You’ve never accomplished anything. You’re just as useless as you were in College. You’ve done nothing with your life.” All that. Very aggressively. Hard to shake.

Of course, as I start to return to the office, my Female Boss calls me very upset that I am not in the office. Which is when my mind throws up its hands and says, “For shit sake, talk to your husband!” But I just let her know what I was doing, she tells me how I did something else wrong. I give the information I found to my boss and between Female Boss and Male Boss… my day is jam packed with doing their work, my own clients and scheduling be damned. Which… humorously makes me not want to do anything at all. Like… if you throw me al of your work because you “are too busy” or “don’t want to do it” or “want to make sure I have enough hours”.... it just shows that you don’t respect me or what I need to do. Like the 800 times you’ve asked me to do the same stupid bullshit that most firms have Secretaries do. Oh, but the Secretary for our firm like all staff at this firm is required to be at the beck and call of Chinese Boss. So when White Boss needs something secretarial… call the White Associate Attorney. Bah. Humbug.