Scared in In the Kingdom of Suzu

I have been awake since probablt midnight. Jeff gets up around 4 and is non-communicative n the a.m. I asked f he slept, he said fair, then I asked if he was ok and he said he was sad. That scares me. He took his shower and then I asked if he was sad because she f her, the situation, he sa D her and the whole situation. I held my. Death and asked if she accepts his decision and he said not really. I asked f she wanted to meet wth him, he said yes but he told her that would not be a good idea. I asked d he was going to meet her and he said no. I also asked if he had deleted her from FB yet and he reluctantly said no. I told him that he has to and he agreed but I can see it is going to be hard. He then sat down and I asked if he changed his mind. I do not know if he heard me because he did not say anything but he has told me in the past, that he is losing his hearing in his one ear. I said it again and he said no, but I don’t know if he hesitated or I am just so scared of him saying yes if he doesn’t answer immediately I panic because I asked him are you sure and he said no, I haven’t changed my mind.

I hate feeling like this. I hate that I am checking his FB to see if she has sent hm a message that he hasn’t read yet or if she is on-line. I unfriended her from my list so her name does not come up. She is still on Jeff’s list. I looked on her friend list and Jeff is still on her list but there was a blank space next to where there would be a box for friend or message. I don’t know what that means. I didn’t tell him that I did that but I asked him f he knew what that would mean on someone’s list and he said he did not know. Does anyone know?

I asked if he was having his guitar lesson today and he said yes, he asked me if I was going, yes, and then I asked if he was also going to work and he said yes. He had told me yesterday that he would take off for work a whole day and spend time time with her. I didn’t think to ask if they were call-ins or if they were planned days off that he told me about because if they were scheduled days off that I did not know about, he would leave at 5:30. Hello? what did you do and he said that he would pick her up, go to a parking lot or just drive around. So now before he left, I was checking to see if the phone was being used for him to do a call-in. I hate having to feel the need to do that.

Clearly we need to,get into counseling soon and obvious we need more discussion tonight but there was just so much emotion going on yesterday and I realize it is going to take more than discussions in one day. I hope he realizes that as well. In fact, he needs to convince me that he is sincere.

Like I said, I am scared altho it could also be the after effects of just drinking coffee all day yesterday. I haven’t had any solid food since Monday at lunch. I told work I would be in today but in hindsight, I wish Jeff and I had both taken today off.

It scares me that he is sad and that she didn’t accept his decision and wanted to meet but then again, what would I expect, is this all part of the after effects?

From what I can gather, they had talked about getting a place together cuz she has nothing, her stuff is in storage as she lost her trailer. Jeff said that she has had a really hard life but he never got the sense from her that she was looking at him as a meal ticket or as a way out. He did say that while he had felt a measure of happiness when with her, he also sensed that there would/were issues. Well no kidding, when you start something that is wrong, do you really think things will go smoothly once the bloom s off?

I found a magazine on surviving infidelity and it had a quote from a woman who had cheated on her husband and she said that she didn’t want to discuss the details wth him because she just wanted to,forget about it and want it all to go away. Of course, that just made her husband suspicious and in hindsight she realized that reluctance hindered their progress. Jeff hasn’t really wanted to tell me the details, and I was a little concerned about that but after reading this article, it helped me see that perspective. I am hoping that he and I can read that article together.

I have court today and it could go long, I sure hope not, I didn’t tell Jeff that because since he has his lesson, he won’t be home til 5 and hopefully I will be home by that time as well.

I hate this.

Last updated January 31, 2018