Utah in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I just got back from Utah yesterday morning and I feel like I should probably document that trip.

I got in early Thursday, the 25th of january, my mothers birthday.
She was so excited that I was coming in for her birthday, she said it was the best birthday present she could have asked for.

I told her I was going to take her out for her birthday, anywhere that she wanted to go…she picked The Red Iguana, downtown SLC, it’s one of the best Mexican restaurants in the entire world…she made a great choice.

We got to the restaurant and my sister and her boyfriend met up with us with my sisters friend, Kelsi…Kelsi and I used to have kind of a thing going on 15 years ago, but we’re cool now, so it was all cool.

My sisters boyfriend picked up the tab…which was cool, but I really wanted to pay for my mom’s dinner…but he did it in secret…and that would kind of be a trend on this trip. No one let me pay for anything.

Anyway, after dinner I went out to a bar with my friend Robyn, which was a pretty damn great time. We went to her house afterwards and I got to check out a bunch of her art…she’s one of the most amazing artists the world has ever known, so it was quite the treat.

I got to see my Grandpa both Thursday and Friday.
He’s not doing very well…he’s in extremely poor health and could go at any time.
I feel like I could write an entire entry about this whole thing, but it’s kind of depressing to think about right now.
My grandma is really depressed…they haven’t really gone without eachother in the last 60 years, and having him in a home is kind of devastating…but at least I got to see him.

Friday, after I saw my grandpa, I went downtown to Alec’s house.
Alec is probably my best friend in the entire world.
He’s my brother from another mother.
I love him more than I probably love anything.
We’ve had some ups and downs, but we always seem to come back out on the same page.

I had this entire party planned for Friday night at this bar right across the street from Alec’s house, I think maybe 30 or 40 people came out to celebrate.
We were definitely the loudest and most annoying people in the bar…every other minute we found a new reason to cheers and break a glass…I can’t believe we didn’t get kicked out.

After the bar, a bunch of us went back to Alec’s place and kept the party going through the night…it was beautiful.

Saturday, Alec and I pretty much slept for most of the day.
I thought I had lost my phone, but I guess I secretly placed it inside my friend, Ashley’s, purse.
She came back to give me my phone and we went out to lunch for a bit and then went back to Alec’s for more sleeping.

Sometime around 8 PM we went out to dinner with some friends, and one of my oldest friends came out to meet up with us, which was a true delight. I’ve known Nick for almost twenty years now.

Sunday, I pretty much just spent with my mom and my grandma.
I got to see my sister, Kacey, and Whitney and her man came out, so it was just my sisters and their dudes, and my nieces and nephew, and it was a great time.
I watched the Grammy’s with my grandma and mom, and then I stayed up with my mom watching movies until about midnight, and then we both got four hours of sleep and woke up to go to the airport.

…

I realize that this is probably not the most fun thing to read…it’s kind of factual, and I understand that, but I’m kind of just logging this for my own memory…my memory is quite bad these days, and this was a trip that I’d like to remember for the rest of my life because it was one of the first times I’ve ever been in Utah and just absolutely loved my experience.

I was genuinely sad to leave.

I thought to myself several times, “I could move back here…”
But, the reality of the situation is that I can never live in Utah again…the place is just too crazy for how crazy I am.
I can’t live under the thumb of such an oppressive religion, and everyone there lives under the thumb of the Mormon Church.

Plus, almost every one of my friends out there is a recovering heroin addict…which, have I done heroin? Yes.
But do I consider myself a recovering heroin addict or associate with recovering heroin addicts anymore? No.

And there were so many times when I had to steer the conversation from the depths of negativity into something more positive…which, coming from me…says a lot.
I’m a work in progress, no spiritual guru…and the people out there were treating me like I was cured or something.

No, no…I don’t think I would do too well out there at all.

…

I got home early Monday morning and I was able to nap from about 11 am to 2 pm, running on almost no sleep…I went to my therapist appointment, we had another EMDR session.

I have only done one EMDR session with my therapist so far, working on the limiting belief that I am a loser.

When I walked into my therapists office and she asked how the trip was and how life was, she was shocked at my answers and how positive I was being about the entire thing. “Who are you?” she exclaimed.

This work is magick, that’s all I can say about it…it’s just pure magick.

In only one short session, I have gained such an intense and new positive outlook on myself, which has, in turn, created a new positive outlook on life.
I’m excited to see the results of our second session that we just had yesterday.

…

Anyway…I drank pretty hard on my Utah trip. Ended up feeling like shit on Sunday pretty hard.

I really need to get a grip on my drinking, and I don’t know how.
I am working on this whole “self love” thing right now…and it seems to have changed my attitude towards drinking a lot, but at the same time I find myself turning to drinking for a variety of reasons that are unreasonable if closely analyzed.

I don’t know what to do about it currently.
I’d like to drink in moderation, and I don’t believe the 12 step model.
I don’t believe that it’s abstinence or nothing.
I have found a lot of success so far using Rational Recovery techniques, but…I’m still constantly disappointing myself.

I’m drinking a beer as I’m writing this, because my body and my brain were hurting and I know this will provide some sort of temporary relief, and I also know my limits for feeling okay to work tomorrow…but this isn’t what I want, so why am I doing it?

I need to start looking at that…because there is a definite difference between what I want in the long run and what I want in the moment, and I always choose what I want in the moment.

I don’t believe in the long run.

How do I start believing in the long run?

..

Anyway.

Thanks for listening.
I love you.
I’ll talk to you soon.
-Dane