Loving myself in Musings

I’ve been spending the last few days reading through all of my Open Diary entries. As I read I could almost hear the music I used to listen to. Taste the Dr Pepper (glad I kicked that habit). Feel the strong emotions I felt back then. I don’t really believe in regrets but if there was one thing I could change I would have just loved myself. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt the need to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Maybe I would have chased my own dreams a little harder.

I am still getting there but I’ve been trying to be more positive lately. With myself and with my family. I’m raising two girls and I don’t want them to have the same issues around self esteem that I do. I don’t want to blame my own parents but I was raised by a domineering father and a mother who never stood up for herself. He wasn’t physically abusive but he was very strict with us as kids. And he has always been way too tough on my mom. And very emotionally unavailable.

Nathan’s not that way thank God. But I feel like sometimes I take it too far the other way. I don’t want to be the bullied wife so I become the bully. I struggle with the same anger issues my dad does but the difference between us is that I am self aware enough to want to fix the problem before it becomes out of control. I want to be the best parent I can be to my girls and that means controlling my temper and coming at parenting with a sense of understanding and compassion.

I know ultimately I can’t keep my girls from going down the same paths I went down. But I want to be fully open with them about my own struggles in an effort to help them be the best versions of themselves. I can’t imagine how much more I could have done and accomplished if I would have loved myself back then the way I do now.

I’m glad I am where I am now and I have no complaints. It’s just hard to read about those times I was stuck in a relationship where the other person didn’t actually love me. One where he told me I had to change who I was to be with him. One where I was constantly trying to prove something to him. Prove that I was enough.

I was enough. I am enough.

I’m in a pretty physically intense season of parenting. My kids are little and dependent on me for so much. I truthfully haven’t been taking care of myself as well as I should these past several years. But I’m doing better now. I’m taking more time to just lay on the couch and read a book. I’m wearing clothes I feel comfortable in. I’m treating myself with the same kindness I want to show others.

Ultimately I’m glad I’m here in the present and that I’ve learned from the past and am not repeating those patterns.