Wide Calves, Medicaton, and Pedicures 1/8/2004
I started seeing this psychologist, a woman named Pat. She's a nice woman but I'm still not quite sure if/how behavioral therapy is supposed to help me. I know I have mood swing and anxiety problems. I know I have to calm down and not 'catastrophize' (Pat's term) everything that goes wrong. The problem is that I can't. When I start getting upset I can't make myself calm down. Like when one of my grades was missing, I automatically started thinking, "Oh my god, they might have lost my grade, and then I'll have to take the class over..." When I went shopping for those knee-high boots I flipped out because apparently I have wide calves, which don't fit into any of the boots that I've tried in any of the stores. So I was on the verge of tears because now I have a defect I didn't know I even had. It totally bummed me out that even getting boots is a process. I know these are all trivial things to be upset about but that's why I'm seeing my psychologist. Why do things bother me so much more than they bother most people? Why do I explode the way I do? Why can't I control it?
Pat thinks medication will help. I don't think they're prescribing me anti-depressants. I think what Pat wants for me is anxiety-reducing medication because Pat and my mother both think I have an anxiety disorder. But then again, we'll just have to see what the doctor thinks. On the 30th of January, I'm coming back to Long Island to get evaluated by another doctor to see if medication is necessary, and if so, which one. I'm scared of medication because I recently read that most studies are done on men. So many of the medications prescribed only list the side effects that men have shown, but the side effects of women are unknown. Also, I don't want these medications affecting my future reproductive abilities. However, this doctor that I'm going to is a friend of Pat's, so since I trust Pat, I will have more of a willingness to trust this doctor. In addition, this doctor has two daughters that are my age, which just makes me feel better. She obviously knows and understand about women my age. The best part about this doctor is that she has done fertility research, so she knows what she's talking about (hopefully) if/when she prescribes something for me. I can't continue with this never-ending anxiety that I always seem to carry with me. My greatest fear is that the sessions with Pat and the medication won't help me. Then what? But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm trying not to worry too much about this whole medication thing.
Vacation has been alright. I'm going with Rebecca tomorrow to a bar in Farmingdale. Hopefully it'll be a good time because I need it. Chris hasn't gotten in touch with me since before New Years Eve. I totally broke down and IMed him yesterday, which makes me so disappointed in myself. Why can't I get over this stupid kid??? I took him off of my Buddy List yesterday and I've long since taken him out of my cell phone. My friend Corinne was dating a guy named Steve over the summer, and he broke up with her in the fall. She still obsesses about him (ie she will go to a bar if she knows he's there 'just to see him because seeing him makes her feel better.") I don't want to be like that and I'm trying not to be. So yeah...I worked for my Dad yesterday, so now I have $50 to spend on bars...Long Island bars are so expensive it's ridiculous. I once went out with three dollars in Binghamton and still came back with change.
My housing situation is still unresolved. I think I'm going to end up living in a really nice apartment complex, in a one person apartment. The only problem with these apartments is that they're really far from downtown where all of my friends are living. Which means I have to spend a ton of money of cabs next year...which means I have to be taking cabs by myself a lot too...not looking forward to next year. However, the apartments in this apartment complex really are stunning--fully furnished, utilities included, very clean..so whatever. Maybe I'll pick up my grades or something.
It's 9:06 am and I already feel like I've been up for hours. I didn't sleep well last night. At first I thought it was because my room gets really hot, so I went downstairs, got myself some green tea, came back upstairs, turned on my cdeiling fan and opened my window. I still couldn't sleep. I kept having this bad dream. I was trying to get to somewhere important at four o'clock, but my family get fucking it up. I wasn't allowed in the shower til late because everyone kept pushing me out so they could get in before me. Then, something happened with the car so my Dad and I had to ride some bus, and we didn't get on til 3 o'clock, even though the place I had to be at was really far away. I woke up so angry at my family because the dream was so realistic, as crazy as the dream sounds.I woke up at 4:45 again at 6, and woke up for the last time at 7, and stayed awake until 8:20 when I got out of bed. I hate it when I have sleeping problems over break...I never sleep at school because I feel like I always need to finish something...work or errands or chores around the apartment.
Today will hopefully be relaxing. My mother treats herself each week with a manicure and pedicure, and she's taking Rebecca and I with her today. Although the thought of some stranger rubbing my feet and painting my nails isn't what I'd call relaxing, I figured I might as well give it a try.
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