Pretty Much in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

I do not have my resignation letter finished to a degree that I feel it is ready to be turned in. I will be working towards this tonight.

I woke up before my alarm this morning due to stomach pains. Yeah, stress. Plus I have developed an eye-twitch stress-response. Good thing White Boss mocked my feelings of stress on Friday (sarcasm). So, after taking care of myself w/water and cereal and such… I went to work. 8 am: Text Message from Chinese Boss. Arrive at the office at 8:30? Nobody is there yet. I have to unlock the doors. Good thing I’m such a horrid worker.

And that is what I’ll hear today. Again. Even more. Because I’m not earning enough hours. Which is to say, I’m earning enough to “repay” my salary but I’m not making thousands more than that. In fact, I’m earning (after I give half my paycheck to the Partners) an average of 35k to 40k. As a Rookie Private Attorney with no client base? THAT IS motherfucking AVERAGE! In fact, there are literally dozens of articles on line about how experienced attorneys in the Private Market average 40k per year. So… all things considered… when I’m making 40k and after making my “contribution to the firm”.... fuck off.

(Thus… why I am writing a resignation letter).

Then we have a Firm Meeting and it is the first time I’ve seen these guys act like bosses in months… not like screaming assholes, but like bosses who want to know how to run a firm. So of course… because my heart is too big and my fear too great; I start to wonder if I should maybe not resign. But then my right eye starts twitching like a psychotic son of a bitch and I think, “Nope. Even if I have to say it is for a Health Related Matter, and that makes these guys tell any future employers I’m not fit to be an attorney… I have to. I have to take some time to get healthy. Because my eye twitch also developed into a right pinky spasm and frankly? I need to focus on me for once. Law School I was focused on Law School and Marriage Problems. After Law School, I was focused on Bar Exam and Job Hunt. Tiny Town, I was focused on Isolation, Job Hunt, and Job. Here, I’ve been focused on surviving, Job Hunt, and Job. So… while it may be seen as a dick move… and while it still might be something that destroys my career hopes in the future… I still think I need to do this.

Here I am being an absolute toss pot. I’ve made my decision. I’m confident in my decision. I’m excited about my decision. So now, I feel bad about my decision. All the while, my decision remains secret as I have not submitted a Resignation Letter. I. Am. A wanker!