It Won't Be Resolved in meh...

This entry is basically thinking through my fingers in an effort to make sense of things and hope you can follow along.

RJ and my friendship is at a fork in the road. She won’t discuss this with me because she is a person who would feel like I’m projecting my issues onto her. I ride for my people. I know that I kind of require a lot, but I’m there for them in whatever way they need when they ask. While RJ has stepped up for me, for the most part she’s basically been showing me that because I don’t have a car and she no longer wants to drive on the outskirts of town, she will hang with those that have their own. She justifies this by saying You know I hate the south side. I’m asking what does that have to do with me? Were the tire on the other car, so to speak, it would not matter to me in the least. But, such is life and the people I have in it.

I’m not jealous of her other friends. I’m not jealous of her busy life. This isn’t about her not checking in with me or inviting to places, but when you know I don’t have transportation and there is something going on that you know I would go to and I back handed find out about it, it hurts.

I’ve tried to have this conversation with her and, while yes, I presented it wrapped up in a nice meltdown, she refused to talk about it. She flipped it and said did I check on her. I’m always the one reaching out. I haven’t really talked to her since we went out for New Year’s Eve.

Since then she’s been some of everywhere with everyone else. But it’s always the same. When I venture out with other people, I get called to the carpet about invites.

I don’t easily make friends. I don’t like to feel like I’m replacing one person with another. When I’m friends with people, I love them hard because my friends are my family to me. When my friends start acting and treating me the way the core members of my family do, then it hurts. I can’t walk away without a resolution. It was the same with Him, it was the same with former BFF. I cry hard tears for those I love. They simply do not understand…

I don’t think I’m a difficult person to talk to. If a person sits me down and talks to me, I will listen. Come at me sideways, and that’s when I get defensive. But no one ever does. I try not to depend on anyone because I don’t want it to be seen as I’m taking advantage of people. My options are limited and so I do nothing.

I’m use to posting things on FB and being ignored. That’s a given, so I’m basically just posting shit for kicks. This is the first weekend that I haven’t had both kids to look after. Friday I posted, I’m free after 7. What we doing? Only credible invite I got was from Baby Boo who was down at the gay club I use to frequent. Guess he doesn’t know I’m carless again. Posted that my whole weekend was free. One of my cousins on my dad’s side stated where they will be, but no offers of a ride. Whatever. And RJ actually sent me a text like You trying to get out? I said no that I was cleaning my house. She asked me again. I told her I was just posting shit because no one fucks with me anyway. She then says Well I guess you can’t believe everything you see on the internet! I told her I’m surprised you’re even reaching out. Haven’t talked since then.

I know it’s wrong to lash out because I’m hurting. I’m at least lashing out at the right person. Thing is, I want to discuss and resolve this but if the other party doesn’t give a shit, then what am I fighting for? She sent me a text once upon a time saying she loved me and because “feelings” are out of character for her it threw me off. This is indicative of many relationships in my life. Either people are throwing around “love” and don’t mean it or they don’t throw it around enough so that when it’s spoken it feels entirely foreign to me.

So of course I run through the recesses of my mind to see where I am at fault. Things is, I only become difficult to deal with AFTER I’ve been hurt. I’m not going to keep giving someone ease of access to me after they’ve shown my feelings are expendable fodder for the fire.

This sucks. And I KNOW I’m the only one agonizing and worried about this because if anyone else is I can’t tell.

Why do my hurt feelings not matter? Why am I so disposable? I am worthy and deserving of so much more than I get.

Hopefully, I’ve gotten this out enough. I think I will tend to my home, wash my hair, pamper my feet and watch movies today. I’m emotionally done for the moment.

Hope your Sunday is happier than my at this moment.

Take care.

Kindest regards,
Sister

Last updated January 28, 2018