"The Brightest Light of Them All"... in Life as I know it...

I am having a rough day. I have this incredible yearning to go "home", but I don't know where home is. I am craving warmth, love, comfort and safety. It's not that my current living environment is bad at all, it's pretty great, but I am feeling sad, lonely and empty today. I miss Caroline. She has adhd, so she used to bounce around when she was in a good mood. Literally bounce around, hopping up and down as she smiled. Either that or she would dance. We would sing the most random songs together, just whatever popped into our heads. She used to call me her "Darling Boy" and it made me feel so wonderful. During the process of the breakup on Skype, I was busy crying and she said to me "Adriaan, if people really were lights, you would be the brightest light of them all.", but if that is true, why do I keep on getting hurt and why wouldn't you want to at least try a long distance relationship? She said it felt like she was pretty much having to choose between her parents and me, seeing as how a full scholarship will save a shitload of money. I got along really well with her parents. Her mom used to be a chef as well and we had long conversations about the culinary arts.

Some of the best times that I had with her were after we made love. I would be lying down naked on the bed, with my one knee bent and the other one resting on top. She would rest her head against my knee and lay down facing me, her legs and her feet next to me and we would just look at each other. We would look at each other for a while and I would say "I love you so much.", after which she would say "I love you more." and then I would say "Bullshit". It was the other way around too sometimes. We would just start talking. She is one of only 2 people in my life who I have felt completely 100% comfortable and safe with. She was also one of only 2 people who I have felt completely comfortable being completely naked around.

My mind is playing tricks on me today, remembering all the special moments we had, then jumping to questions of what she is doing now. Does she still think about me? Does she still love me? Has she found someone else? I often start getting very vivid images in my mind of her with someone else and it is so difficult to get it out. She was the person who I could tell anything and everything to, I love her.

Maybe I'm just having a shitty day. Maybe the frustration regarding the delay of my new workplace's opening is getting to me. I'm so tired. Physically and emotionally. My last 2 relationships have taken their toll on me, as I always treat the woman I love with the utmost respect and love and any girl would be lucky enough to me as their partner. I put my heart and soul into it. I just don't want to do this anymore. Being "the brightest light" or "such an amazing guy" has brought me nothing. Anyway, enough now.

Have a lovely day Adriaan