Echoes of the Past in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Clearly one of the things I’m dealing with in Therapy is my difficulty in making healthy decisions to protect myself and/or set up healthy boundaries.

Abusive Ex-Girlfriend… people ask when I first suspected she was abusive/unbalanced/dangerous. I knew she was dangerous the minute she tied me to a tree until I asked her out, I knew she was unbalanced the night she fled from my car and stripped her shirt off to run in the woods, and I knew she was abusive when she made me feel like her making out with a girl at a slumber party was my fault. Or… first moment, second month, third month. But we dated for 8 months. Why? Well, one of the reasons is… every time I would muster the energy/courage to leave… she would intercept me. Make me feel like (1) our problems were my fault, so if I worked harder we could fix them; (2) she needed me so I had to stay… etcetera. And that worked. For 8 months! What finally made me say “Fuck that”? It was my Senior Year in High School… it was my last Valentine’s Day Formal. I wanted to dance with my best friend for one dance. ONE DANCE. Abusive Ex freaked out and told everyone that I was an abominable person and how horrible I was to her! Except… nobody except her close friends agreed or saw it that way. They saw a cute moment between friends that weren’t going to see each other much soon… and a psychotic, jealous she-beast that was (apparently) demanding all attention at all times. And that helped me break away.

FF to today.

The lunch was not me being fired. The Lunch was White Boss with a list of questions like, “How can we be better bosses?” “Why do you screw up the way you do?” “Should we expect you to be with us much longer?” Stuff like that. And… part of me is thinking, “Dude… just stay. It is easier, it is a paycheck, it is something to do that may potentially benefit your search for a prosecutor dream.” But of course I second guess that analysis. Partially because… the truth is… I’m not helping these people achieve their dreams, and they aren’t helping me achieve mine. A good boss who actively wanted to keep me would have had the following exchange:

Boss: So what do you want out of the law?
ME: Complete honesty… I’m still following my dream of being a Prosecutor. It is the only job that really offers me everything I’m looking for in the law. It is limited enough that I can spend time to really hone my craft. It is justice-centered enough that, in a large enough market, I can feel good about what I do. It pays well with great benefits. It lets me be in court a lot more often. That is what I want to do.
Boss: I can’t offer you extra court time or anything like that but here’s what I will say: you give us your time, honest and genuine, and we’ll see what we can do to help you reach your dream.

That isn’t a hard conversation. It doesn’t even need to be an HONEST conversation. They could be lying or have no idea what they could do. But here is what the actual conversation was:

Boss: So what do you want out of the law?
ME: Complete honesty… I’m still following my dream of being a Prosecutor. It is the only job that really offers me everything I’m looking for in the law. It is limited enough that I can spend time to really hone my craft. It is justice-centered enough that, in a large enough market, I can feel good about what I do. It pays well with great benefits. It lets me be in court a lot more often. That is what I want to do.
Boss: I can’t offer you extra court time or anything like that and I don’t think you’ll find any part of what we do that translates to that. You are going to have a hard time in law if that is what you want.

So… yeah. I think, I still really think… I’m going to resign on Monday.

Yup… nope… definitely.

Y’know how Chinese Boss flips an absolute fucking gasket if I get a little typo on a page? LIKE a Gintoa instead of Gintao? Well… I was reviewing a document of hers to figure out how to do it and.... the CLIENT NAME CHANGES HALF WAY THROUGH THE DOCUMENT. “Mr. Bellypower” suddenly changes to “Mr. Wang”. Hrm. Hrmmmmmmm. Yeaaaaaaaah.

Last updated January 26, 2018