Defeated emotional rant in 2018

Going to be pretty raw right now:

Feeling totally and completely defeated. Yesterday I had a shit day at work. I was already wallowing In self pity because I fucking get seasonal depression anyway, but my supervisor was just on my case. She just pushed me over the edge.

I almost walked out :( I don’t know why I get like this but when I do, it’s harsh. I have these overwhelming moments. Days sometimes weeks where everything seems to be shit, and everything piles up on me in waves.

I can’t explain it. Maybe it’s all true. Maybe things get crazy and overwhelming or maybe my mind just can’t deal with the simplest shit.

I tried to get ahead of it this year. I know get depressed around this time of year so I tried my best to keep a healthy mind and body. I’ve been working out and eating well and drinking lots of shakes and just keeping busy at work etc. It didn’t seem to work. I’m in this funk. Again.

And it all seems to happen at once. Then I go to the girls school and find out Miley’s reading at a grade one level, and she’s in grade three. Evelyn doesn’t do squat in school. She just doodles and is on her own agenda. The school is amazing. So don’t get me wrong, they are very much on top of Miley and testing her for a learning disability and she’s getting all kinds of tutoring. I just feel defeated. I can’t seem to catch a break. My kids can’t seem to catch a break. I can’t seem to get anything to go the way it’s supposed to.

Evelyn’s teacher said today that she’s not participating in class and couldn’t be bothered to. She says she doesn’t know why she doesn’t pay attention, she just doesn’t. So what do I do? Well so far I just took all their electronics away from them. Not sure if that’ll help, as of right now Miley’s running around screaming that she hates me so…

Sometimes I just want to scream and cry but I can’t eben do that. I’m so beyond fucking frustrated right now. I know, I know it could be so much worse. I should be grateful and happy for what I do have and I AM! I really am. I’m thankful every day for my life but sometimes I wish it could just go a tiny bit smoother.

I’m on edge lately and I just don’t know what to do.

Ok, enough of that. Chris went away to school last week for some Ford training down in Mississauga. He was terrified of the entire thing but he did it, he went on his own, and he aced the testing. I’m so proud of him. :) This means he gets a raise at work and has a certificate in this specific thing. So that’s good news!

Kristen <3