so take the pressure off./depression. in 2017. got it.

So. one of the reasons i um. went out today is to help my depression. er i mean. had i stayed in my depression would’ve been.well worse. > and by ‘today’ i mean um.......yesterday.

ok so while I was out trudging through the snow and being very very careful on the ice. and slowly making my way to places. The lady called. i won’t call her when i’m out cause well. there aren’t a lot of sidewalks by where we live. like no it’s mostly prairie. [or the side of the road where the bike lane is.]. and honestly. answering my phone wasn’t my main priority. no ya know? my main priority. was not getting another concussion. like. it’s not my fault it snowed.

[i did however call her when i was in walgreen’s. call didn’t go through but...........ok so i’m justifying it.].

yeah so. As someone w/ anxiety I get overwhelmed pretty easily. i did even before. ‘the accident’ but even moreso since. she doesn’t know. it happened. yeah and bc i don’t want her to like.actually do, anything about. like yeah i got a concussion i feel like crap. it’s not a big thing. also. if it’s cold and i’m out. i’m not going to risk hypothermia to call someone. i’m just not. ya know? that’s not where my priority lies.

except. that it is. i just. don’t want that kindof attention from her. i want her to be like ‘ok you got a concussion. won’t get involved i. trust you to do what you can about that. and if you don’t, well. that’s on you’. which sounds terrible but. i don’t like being the center of attention. but she won’t be that dismissive. she’s probably actually not supposed to.

People who don’t have anxiety. might think ‘what’s the problem? you should’ve called her/answered the phone and been responsible’. [and while they’re not wrong.........] no. it’s just one more thing that’ll overwhelm me. and. i can’t handle that without.........something happening.

so. take the pressure off.

Yeah. I did. that’s one of the reasons i didn’t answer the phone. Thing is. The ‘pressure’, as it were, will come back ‘on’ later when she brings it up later.

yeah i understand i should’ve been more responsible. but right now. that won’t change much. i was partially not being responsible [enough] bc i was annoyed w/ her. [let’s just be honest here.]. but also. bc of my well being.

so. i don’t know.

and, ya know. i’m not in a situation where i can just.take 5 days off and not have her say anything about it. i wish i was. I had that when I was living at my parents’. but, in some ways that was worse. one of the reasons for the most part my mom & I have such a good relationship now is bc i have moved out.

when I had my own apt. i could just. be lazy and not have to do ‘everything’ ‘right now’. cause i’m not a ‘right away’ kindof person.

The anxiety in a sense acts as a kindof medicine. it keeps me from getting too depressed during the day. i don’t like it it does.drive me crazy but it serves a purpose a.function.

i don’t know that i’m cut out for this. sure there’s the alternative. [living w/ my parents’.]. i’ve been there and parts of that weren’t great either.

hindsight right? seeing everything so clear.

but i’ma do what i can. and if that means not like. cleaning up ‘everything’ after i’m done in the kitchen. or, not answering the phone when i should. [honestly i’m taking a break from phone calls right now. i, don’t think i’d do well w/ that kindof stimulation] or. blogging then..........yeah, ya know? that’s how things are going to be. and if she doesn’t like that...... Part of me. isn’t living my life to please her not now and. i haven’t for awhile.

but. it’s not that simple in my head. in my broken, ef-ed up............ok. that’s not helping. it’s just. not that simple.