how i'm doing/so today i. in 2017. got it.

i did art today. er i mean. rather......i......produced it. .......um......created* it. [words are so hard right now.]. in order to translate how i’ve been feeling physically and emotionally. the art er the pieces. were made using the paint thing on the computer.

yeah um. i’m not great at um........painting in the paint thing. apparently. I did a piece of:
1: skull in water. [well. it’s the shape of a skull kindof]
2: head w/ wings. [cause i was talking about that butterfly head thing recently.].
3: something that looks like a blue pill w/ a flag type thing next to it. this is supposed to be an egg and then an.......um.........omelet
4: a thing that’s an apple. and then an apple split in 2. er in half i mean.
5: a horseshoe [luck] a bruise and a clock looking thing. [time]
6: an angry red sun. mountain lines. [for up and down]. and 2 black arches. [to represent frida]
7: tears which actually look slightly phallic. and a bird and then earth w/a line.......in the middle of the 2.
8: 2 circles that look like cake. to represent feeling........behind.

that actually helped. [well. people reccomend it for a reason.]. cause then i can translate how i’m feeling/what i’m going through into.um.......art. and i think in pictures anyway so.

so i was reading online about experiences..........er i mean.........books..........stories. yes stories of people who’ve had experiences w/ um. NIs/cncu*sions. or...........’falls’. and. [and this is my own wording.].: ‘that’s exactly what it is. it’s like everyone’s at this house. and i’m actually physically making my way, to the house. and when i get there and i’m looking through the window. it’s so easy for them. to like physicalise.’

yes. of course it’s easy for them. bc they don’t have issues w/ their heads the way i do. like fuk.

and. ‘my memories. none of them are vivid right now.’. like i haven’t lost them. Before.this. Before........only some of my memories weren’t vivid. and now like none of them art. are*. ...................... like. i used to vividly remembered being raped. and now. not vividly. [ok so thank god. yeah no ptsd isn’t good. and um..........i don’t like............flash.......backs.].

oh I ate today. [well ok i had peanut butter.]. i thought i’d see how that went for me. [i mean. physically how it’d go.]. It was ok. or maybe it was more ok then it would’ve been had i been.like around people and eating. er i mean in the same rm. as other........humans and having been.eating. if that makes sense.
The symptoms apparently aren’t presenting themselves all in [on?] the same day. which i thought they..............would.
actually.........I don’t think.........well. er rather. I know I’ve felt a bit like this in the past due to my.eating disorder. and that’s caused. NIs. yes but not to this level.
So needless to say. Be careful out there everyone particularly in winter. Take it from me I know what I’m talking about.
if i’d been more careful.........regrets don’t get people anywhere. But they’re hard. I’m able to physically do things it just..........diana............damnit. seizes longer....... no ok. that’s not quite what i meant. that’s more along the lines of to physically grab hold of something........um......lion..........taken........takes.

yes there we go. it takes*, me longer then normal to physically do things. [by the way. diana ross was in the supremes. > they sang that song ‘can’t hurry love’ lyric ‘game of give and take’.
liam neeson played the lion in ‘narnia’. he was also in the movie ‘taken’.].

I still have my memories. and the physical and...........um. biological parts of me. Things [just] don’t work they should.