peach. and um. 'i'm glad you're ok' well. um.... not quite migraines. word assoc. thing. in 2017. got it.

about the fall on Mon. how i’m doing. long entry by the way. medical talk, symptoms, emotions.

well. my bruises have gotten better. [it’s weird that i call them that ‘my’, bruises as though they somehow belong to me. as opposed to just ‘the’, bruises.].

If someone were to tell me. ‘i’m glad you’re ok’. well. um. .......... i’m. i’m glad it wasn’t worse. the fall. thank god.

on um........Mon. yeah. well. I didn’t have migraines but i had something similiar*. and now that i have. i feel so bad for people who have/get migraines.

Notes help. a lot actually. i’ve probably mentioned this. yeah I’ve been making notes in my phone matching people I know to um.like songs or w/e. like ok ‘Valerie = amy winehouse song’. or celebs. ‘marty short. = martin short’. I don’t trust my memory right now. I’ll remember that I know the person but if someone refers to them by name.......i’ll probably get a bit lost.

um. I feel/felt so.er unintelligent on the 19th. [of this month]. yeah: ‘ I feel so. unintelligent. [and also like an old lady.]. So today. I wasn’t quite sure where a Starbucks was. and usually. I’d know and not have to think about it. I’ve been to that one a few times. And it’s in a neighborhood I’ve lived in most of my life. I went into a Mexican place and asked. And I actually had to draw myself a couple maps as to where places are. and do the word assoc. thing. I shouldn’t have to do this. but right now. I do. I don’t like feeling this unself reliant. thank god for Post Its and yes i’m the one who wrote the stuff down.’

not that i get a lot. but i’m taking a break from um. ........hr. long phone calls. much as i love evan.i kindof can’t phone right now and probably shouldn’t. [also being that i saw him last um..........mad..........month [ok so there’s a madonna song ‘holiday’ and the holidays happen in dec.] i’m not too worried about it.].

The sad thing is. [sorry if i’m repeating myself here.]. not everyone will understand this, or be supportive. but a lot of people will though.

I’ve been reading up on falls online. and it said the recovery period is anywhere from 3 - 6 months. yeah. i know. sure but that’s just a.............guideline. it’s not like ‘oh ok so after that amount of time this person will be recovered.’.

i’m still me. just a different version. but i don’t........um...........connect to that. [i was all about to put ‘conjunction’ cause in um. grammar that’s what they do]. and i don’t connect to who peoplpe say i am. i’ve had this before w/...........my............depression it’s called ‘depersonalization’.

by the way. i might be repeating myself more then usual.

Don’t ever take your organs for granted. And it’s not cause I’m right or wise. it’s cause i know, from experience. I’m ashamed to say I did kindof as I didn’t have to um.not do that a whole lot. Things can change so quickly. for anyone. I know what I’m talking about.

talk about a roller coaster damn. the emotional kind. yeah lately i’ve been happy, sad, frustrated, angry, in denial. all in one day.

‘the man who mistook his wife for a hat’. that’s a um essay. by that...........oliver guy. well, not exactly. i just don’t remember what things are sans description. like ok. take the.........place crate & barrel for instance. My notes ‘crate barrel white box’. but just ‘crate barrel’ wouldn’t mean anything to me right now. like. uh........what? although.actually i can.like for.........rain........oh Starbucks. i just put ‘coffee’. [‘cafe’ actually means ‘coffee’.]. so yeah. mermaid coffee. [although that lady is a siren not a mermaid.]. so maybe. It’s ........English words i’m having trouble w/ as um. .........’cafe’ is French. oh and the word ‘chai’ is easy as it means ‘tea’. [instead of making 2 or 3 other associations that go w/ that word. no that wouldn’t help me.].

and. just seeing the word on a...........like.........eatery won’t do much for me. yeah i’ll start to panic. untill I smell something in that eatery and know. ok i know where i’m at now. [which is why twice now i’ve at........starbucks picked up a bag of their coffee and smelled it. also that smell calms me the fuk down.].

oh the other thing i’ve noticed.is that. although I won’t remember the words for something I’ll remember the feeling i get. the holidat holiday plants. [um..........xmas trees]. i remembered vaguely that I like/d them. it was a pleasing feeling like ohhh.....i like these. so it’s a bit like i’m stoned, or something. [actually i think marijuana could help me........if i were to acquire some sometime soon.].

the soreness has gone away. for the most part.
in my..........phone. [wow words are hard.]. on for the past. 2 or 3 days i’ve been putting. er in my calander i mean. for the past 2 or 3 days I’ve been putting. letters for my um.symptoms. [like ok ‘C = cold’.]. i’ve made a few notes like that so i can refer back to them.

i’ve been.panick-y. and stopped when i’ve needed to when i get to that point.

I rested last night actually. for like almost 2 hrs. apparently from what I’ve read that’s supposed to help. I wasn’t fully aware, of how much..........sense........stimulation there was in the world untill this happened.
I’m able to comprehend the written word and a bit of what people say. although....in my head i have to explain it to myself in a way that makes sense to me. which, i did before.......’the fall’ so i’m wondering..........if it’s possible if at some point in my life..........this kindof thing happened before. but i didn’t really.understand it. .......
Over the yrs. well when i had my apt. I fell down the stairs once. I landed on my face though. i wasn’t great. like i was w/ it. [though. that, was a result of doing something stupid and then deciding to gon..........go*. um.......downstairs.]. i’ve fallen into a bathtub once. no i mean into the edge of it. but i was w/ it when that happened.
oh right. so on Mon. when I fell I was sober as a damn bear.
i’m not someone who falls, a lot. but it’s not cause of that. it’s cause ok stuff happens life happens. people fall. i wasn’t careful.
oh. so i know what this is. I have.......myoclonus. [for some strange reason when i think of that word i picture a cyclops goat. and yes they exist.]. Myclonus, for those who don’t know what that is. well it’s basically.........ok so. when someone’s sleeping and their body jolts them awake for a minute. [god i hate that.]. that i think is a type. of myclonus. which by the way. is ‘an involutnary twitching of muscles or a group’. er of muscles i mean. and sometimes the whole body. credit to wikipedia/other online sources.
it’s kindof embarassing actually for me to admit. but that’s something i’ve had my whole life. but I just always referred to it as ‘my body randomly shivers’. it’s gotten better over time. It’s similiar to when alcoholics go through withdrawl and that happens. [i know cause i’ve had that though not recently. and it’s really damn annoying after awhile.]. and when it’s not been withdrawl-related i’m fine.
so. i don’t know.......... i want to know but i’m kindof afraid to find out.

i’ve had. more photophobia then usual. it’s the sensitivity to light thing.

i feel so.fragile like my head is fragile. like idinno. light. delicate. like so. butterfly head. [well. not literally.]. floaty and........idinno ‘off’. well yeah bc i am. bc a part of me physically internally. is. I feel this way for a reason.

I’m not insane. No there’s a medical scientific reason I’ve been feeling this way. It feels like I’m insane bc I don’t feel quite like myself. this isn’t quite me. it’s a bit. ‘there’s someone in my head but it isn’t me’ - guy from pink floyd. yeah. surreal that’s a good way of putting it.
I’m not making this up. Yesterday when I was online er last night i mean. [this was before i rested.]. I forgot that this happened. Not like.literally actually physically........forgot. But i just wasn’t aware of it. like oh yeah everything’s fine i’ll just go on about doing things. No. That’s not how it should work right now.
And I’m not unintelligent. [clearly, as i’ve the ability to explain and comprehend all the above. and the ability to um.look things up.]. but, ya know. feelings have a lot of power. a lot.

My sleeping’s been. i had trouble getting to sleep............yesterday morning but that’s normal for me. my eating, well. not much of an appetite. which might also be.........psychologically related.