um. egg. in 2017. got it.

about ‘the fall’. i’m not um. great. If I explain things in odd ways for awhile on here [moreso then usual] it’s cause. that’s just easier for me right now. like the other day i couldn’t remember what a ‘receipt’ was. so in my head i translated it to ‘financial note’. or, a........ticket would be ‘a show password’. but hopefully. i’ll remember to explain things the way i just did. it’s like i’m learning a new language. or inventing my own. i’ve been remembering things by shapes and colors. like ‘ok so the whole foods sign is green’.
I’m having trouble w/ my sense of location. of um. where..........places are.
just like. sometimes. someone has to break an egg to make a hell of an omelet. ya know? or maybe you don’t. um........ bare w/ me. So. The broken egg right now would be me. and. eventually. and i’m not sure when. it’ll turn.......into......an omelet. but for right now.
yeah i just feel broken. like i feel physically broken. and. um curved. i’m not curved physicially.
i’ve been through recovery and.............big events like this like ‘the fall’ before. but not like this.
i’m having. a really hard time w/ this. I know. .........as. as i do i haven’t stated what exactly ‘this’ is yet other then referring to it as ‘the fall’. [ok so that part’s true. on mon. i fell in a semi empty parking lot.]. i’m ok. using the term ‘the fall’.
i’m so. angry and in denial. like oh there’s nothing wrong w/ me i don’t have a problem. nothing.......like happened. but i do and it did. if it hadn’t.........i wouldn’t be having so much damn trouble w/ um. articulation. and remembering what things are. and. physical actions. do you know how frustrating it is to do things when you don’t remember how to? omygod. so i actually have to consciously think about it.
but actually. no there’s nothing er ‘wrong’, w/ me. like no this is a result of ‘the fall’. Sometimes. we don’t choose what happens to us.
if i’m not quite ........my.........self. there’s a reason.
i’m a different version of me. but i don’t connect to me now. like. i wouldn’t connect to...........um..............the words people would.use to describe me. i’ve had this before w/ my depression it’s called ‘depersonalization’.
who was i before? who was i before Mon.? oh god. wow. someone who didn’t have this much........struggle er i mean trouble. that.......w/ . things. it’s sad.
i’ve taken to referring to people as ‘humans’. cause i don’t like.connect to the word ‘people’, right now.
recovery takes time. love. patience & time. [that’s also a title of an eric benet album.]. it’s not like it’s instant coffee or w/e else that’s around that’s um.instant.
i feel really.behind. I’ve had to draw myself a couple maps to figure out where things are that i’d usually know. damnit why can’t i just be um ‘normal’? and just.be how i was. bc right now. i literally physically can’t. cause right now. it’s taking me longer th en normal. to do things.
the bird flies but it will always return to the earth. It’s not an ‘if’ it’s a ‘when’. but it’ll take awhile.
i actually. recently joined a............greek........a forum [i.e. ‘a funny thing happened on the way to the forum’] on.......wire. oh an online forum. yes an online forum w/ members who’ve been through this. a um ‘fall’. so. they relate. but each experience. well they’re like snowflakes: no 2 are exactly alike. it’s been helpful to find that kindof thing.
and here. i’ll keep blogging maybe............short.........like..............opp. of............. [the opposite of abundance would be..........’not a lot’]. oh! maybe not a lot at times. but yeah. none of my friends know exactly what happened. [i’m pretty vague on fb though so.]. cause. honestly. Some of them aren’t all that supportive in the first place whenever i go through a difficult time. and second. not everyone would understand. which is fine. it’s sad it’s very sad but. yeah. long as people aren’t jerks about it. i didn’t even understand. untill i went through it myself. so that’s. why i’ve not hit up my friends on fb about this. [well a reason.].
i’m. i don’t know i’m not doing everything i can to recover. i usually don’t.
today was bizarre. everything felt so new to me. yeah like at the mall a place i’ve been i don’t know a hundred times that.was new to me.
ugh. i don’t feel good...........and........ [well i’m not actually supposed to. like that’s. to be expected.]. i’m........i’ll.......
well........