City walks and Ninja Turtles. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Walk around the city at night…it’s cold, but it’s not that cold.
Sometimes it smells nice, like pastries and coffee.
Sometimes it smells like Thai food.
Sometimes it smells like piss and shit.

“Good for you, son” you hear the voice of your father echoing in your head.
Good for you for getting out
Good for you for being around people and being social.
Good for you for laughing and smiling and making memories.

Sometimes you think that the memories you make are the only thing that matter.
Sometimes you think that the memories are the enemy and need to destroyed.
Sometimes you think it would be nice to think the same things all the time.

You wonder about all of the mistakes that you’ve made in your life.
You muse about all the near misses and narrow escapes.
You get stuck on the ones that got you…the ones that stuck.
You realize that sometimes a mistake is permanent and will follow you forever.
You realize you can’t run fast enough to outrun them.
You realize that this is your real life.

…

Sometimes I want to burn my years, to white flashes of carbon.
Sometimes I wish I could start over.
Sometimes I like the man I have become…and it forces me to like the things that have happened to me…and it forces me to accept the things that I’ve done that have happened to other people.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a monster.

It’s funny how that works, darkness, the properties of it all.
If you stare into the darkness for long enough, you simply become the darkness itself.
At that point, it’s not just a matter of staring into the light until you become light.
No, it’s not that easy.
You can’t even stare into the light at first…you can barely even venture out into it.
Every particle and wave hit you simultaneously and you can feel them like bullets and slaps.

…

I get so sick of my own writing so quickly.
It’s like these ideas come and go without any control.
Usually when I write it seems like I’m pretty depressed…I think it’s because I use this as some sort of drainage.

I’m not depressed…I mean, right now…maybe not in general.
Maybe I am depressed in general.

I am working on not feeling like such a loser all the time.

…

Tonight, I am going to a special screening of the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie, and I am so excited because I haven’t seen this on a big screen since I was like…3 maybe?
I still remember going to the theater to see this movie, it was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to me at that point in my life.

My parents took me, we went with the neighbors…one of which is now my step mom and the other is now my step brother.

Afterwards we got pizza and put sprinkles on it because the Ninja Turtles love putting weird toppings on their pizza.

I would like to say life was simpler back then, but life was dark and ugly…I think “bleak” would be the appropriate word for it.

Anyway, Deanne and I are going tonight and it’s going to be amazing.
There is a Q & A with the composer of the film.
It’s in my favorite city in the world: DTSA
My home town.

I’m hoping that afterwards there will be a place to get some pizza and a beer.
I mean, I know of a few places in the area where that could be possible, I’m just hoping that they will be open so we don’t have to drive all the way to the Orange Circle, because that’s not exactly far, but it’s not exactly close.

I’m drinking a couple of beers right now, getting ready for it.
Deanne and I will probably smoke a bowl.
I like to self medicate.
Shoot me.

“One drug just replaces another.”

I don’t know why I quote myself so often.
I should get over myself.

“If you tell me not to get mixed up with the devil, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do.”
There…that’s not me.

Okay, enough of this…I think I’ve run out of things to say.
Sorry I’m such a bad friend.
I think I’m just a bad human.
But I love you.
I really do.

-Dane