Dear Me, in Chapter 8 : Time to Heal

Tomorrow something is going to happen to you that will change your life, what I want you to know about it is that whilst everything is going to change, including your perspective, it doesn’t not change your worth as an individual.

Life’s about to get hard, harder than you’ve ever known it. What you’re about to experience goes beyond physical hurt, in all honesty, what you’re about to go through is tragedy and betrayal on a Shakespearean level. Being raped will shatter you and your very being into thousand of pieces. You’re going to spend the next few years spiraling out of control, utilizing your usual twisted version of coping method of sleeping around in order to try and regain some sort of control, but it’s not going to make you feel better. In fact, it’s going to make you feel worse when you realize that you’re essentially fucking people about whether they realize it or not, and that’s not really fair on them, but it’s OK, you can forgive yourself.
Speaking of which, you really need to learn to forgive yourself a bit more. You’re not a bad person, you’re a bit flawed, we all are, it’s part of human nature, and you know this. What’s about to happen is not your fault and you know it isn’t, you are going to believe for a long time that the second time is your fault, but it’s not. None of it is your fault. Knowing what I know now, I would tell you not to confront him, instead to run, as soon as he’s out the door, pack your bags and run, because the second time is the one that is going to destroy you. The second one is the one that is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

I know right now you won’t believe me, sometimes I find it hard to believe myself, even now. The man that you have fallen head over heels for, that you trust so implicitly is going to turn, and it won’t be the first time he’s done this to someone, nor will it be the last, you won’t be the last. Do not feel guilty about this, you’ll eventually find comfort in knowing you’re not alone, together you will band together, you’ll find some solace and you’ll help them move on, even when you’re struggling to. You’re not a bad person, quite the opposite, you’re going to help a quarter of his victims get closure, and that honestly, makes you a good person, even though you don’t believe it yet, but you will in time.

There’s a lot about to happen in your life, and you’re going to close down emotionally for a long time, and that’s OK, it’s OK to not be OK. The sooner you wrap your head around that and start taking your own advice, the sooner you can start to heal, and you need to heal, you deserve to heal. You’ve been through so much, too much.

As much as it’s all going to change, you’re going to find yourself, you’re going to be yourself eventually, a new version of yourself, but still you, being raped doesn’t change your identity, you’re going to find a new perspective, a new outlook, and most of all, above all else, you’ll eventually find peace.

You’re going to be OK.
I promise.