I am not the kind of guy to unfriend someone over politics. I have many friends who are Conservative, Liberal, Libertarian, Anarchists… and provided you are open to logic, reason, and civility… we’ll get along fine. You don’t support Abortion and think that Governments shouldn’t support the people? Tell me why, lets talk about it. You don’t support gun ownership and think private corporations are the last great evil? Tell me why, lets talk about it. You think that governments shouldn’t exist at all? Tell me why, lets talk about it.

However, I have a cousin… the cousin......... I should explain that. In my life I have had one cousin that I never got along with. He always thought bullying others was funny, education was for sissys, and if a woman has an opinion she better keep it to herself. THAT kind of cousin. Frankly, I can/should blame his father who gave him all of those lovely characteristics… but once you become an adult and a father of your own… you’ve got to take responsibility for your shitty character flaws and decisions. Anyway, apparently, he has decided to declare 2018 The Year of Trump and has been posting all of the absolutely insane propoganda bullshit you can imagine. Which… would be interesting. Y’know… since everything out there that says Trump is a genius that has single handedly saved this nation is Fox News Fabrication and GOP Garbage? Except… if you actually do your research and if you are able to pull your head out of your ass… you can tell how false it all is! “Trump has passed the most bills of any President in history!” That is the easiest, simplest thing to debunk in the world. “Trump is the best President in the history of the United States!” How… how can you say that with a straight face?! “Trump has saved the American Economy!” Do you… do you know how the American Economy works?! SERIOUSLY?! And that is where I am there. It is not a cousin whose relationship I’ve exactly valued over the years… and his dedication to being a Trump Propaganda Machine certainly makes me rethink the value of his presence on my timeline.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut… this is something I just sent my E-Therapist

I have to confess, days like this start hard. -24 degrees windchill… a 30 + minute commute… to start a day where the Chinese Boss already warned she’s “feeling stressed” which translates into “She is going to yell at us for not getting work done because she forgot what work was/was not assigned.” Just a cold depressing way to start a day.

I would strongly say being in the moment is an especially big issue for me. Every day, my mind is in three planes of existence. What Could Have Been, What Should Be, How To Get to “What Should Be”. When my Wife and I were having our biggest troubles, my mind almost constantly lived in the “What could have been?” and trying to figure out if it was worth it to stay in it. As my problems shifted more to career, my mind skipped straight to “What should be” and stayed focused on that.

Being driven and nurturing oneself in a healthy way is a big reason I’m here (and a big reason I continue to question whether I should remain at my current job.) I absolutely could be driven and nurture myself. That is entirely possible. But the culture of the firm I currently work for is very much “If we aren’t the preeminent law firm serving the Chinese community in Iowa, we’re failing.” Even though this firm has only been open for less than 4 years. It is funny… with my personality and my Fibromyalgia… a lot of the people that care for me asked if I honestly thought I could be an attorney. It isn’t a job known for its relaxed atmosphere or healthy lifestyles. After doing as much research as I could… the answer was easily proven. As a Prosecutor, I would be fine. In Private Practice, I couldn’t work at a firm that demanded 60 to 70 or more hours a week (that would kill me) but I could help out where needed. It is a reason why, when this job is hard, I have to reassess whether I should still be an attorney. (Obviously, another mark of stress). Every time, I come back to it.... I am good at being a trial attorney, I am good at being a prosecutor. I enjoy that. I need to get back there. And that kicks off the constant thought loop. “Being my authentic self and living a healthy life, both physically and mentally, requires me to snag a Prosecution Job. Until then, I will do as best I can in a job that is wholly apart from that. Every time I am rejected for a prosecution job or go weeks without being able to apply to one; I worry that ‘the best way for me to be an attorney’ will forever be out of reach.” Add that kind of thinking to a feeling of almost constant and unending tiredness/exhaustedness and… emotional control and mindfulness can certainly become more difficult.

So… after my 7 am out the door to 8 pm back home day yesterday? I am tired as balls. Just… really… freaking exhausted. Like… falling asleep at my desk tired.

I decided to take a walk, grab a coffee… just stretch my legs and shake the cobwebs. The coffee shop owner was watching an Asian Program in a language I couldn’t place. Which is odd. I can place Chinese, Japanese, and Thai. This, she told me, was Korean. We talked and I let her know that I was curious because I hear Chinese so much of my day now. Her face turned dark and she discussed in a lower voice how awful it was growing up in a country that was so close to China. Her exact words to end the conversation? “Devious government. Duplicitous and mean spirited people.” Funny story is… while my clients piss me off because they break the law and expect to get away with it (more of a Rich and Tourist issue than a Chinese issue).... the professionals I’ve met through this firm (including my own Chinese Boss) can, at times, easily be described as Korean Shopkeeper described.

Additional Trump Jab… remember when people said Bush was the worst President ever, an evil man, and said he was an idiot. Hell, remember when Kanye West said “Bush doesn’t care about Black People.” A couple of things
(1) Bush spoke out several times, not saying “I do too” but saying how hurt he was. He didn’t respond by devaluing the sentiment. He allowed the sentiment because if people feel a way, it isn’t worth trying to convince them against their emotions. He simply responded with how hurt he was because he honestly did care about black people and was beside himself that his administration was seen as not caring for black people.
(2) Bush observed every Martin Luther King Jr Day by attending several memorials and services in his honor. If he couldn’t leave the White House on MLK Day, he would invite black clergy to the White House to discuss the value of King’s life and what steps could be taken to memorialize and continue the work.

THAT is what “Evil President W Did”.... and the vitriol against him is why I was conservative longer than I should have been. Hating a man for honestly doing what he thinks is right… that got to me. I didn’t agree with him all the time, but given the information he received and the responses he made… I could understand it.... and not just as “evil” or “asshole” behavior.

Now let’s look at our current President

This is a man who built his campaign on racism. I have people in my life who say that line is bullshit. They declare that Trump has never made a racist statement in his life; they declare that there are no legitimate ties to racist groups; and they claim the only reason that people believe otherwise is that the Media has waged an unending war of libel and lies against this great man. Bull. Shit. Before the Media turned on him; they ate him up. There’s a reason Donald had cameos in movies, TV shows, and wound up having his own Reality TV Show. The Media used to love this guy. But I do my own research, thank you. Trump’s father was deeply invested in the KKK. Trump specifically tried to keep Black People out of his building developments throughout New York. Trump has openly stated that he doesn’t want black people counting his money. As candidate, he was poisonously attacking Mexicans and Arabs. As president, he defended members of a KKK rally… even after that KKK rally wound up murdering someone. As president, he constantly makes statements and policy announcements that target Black, Mexican, Arabic, and Hispanic countries and people. AND WHEN CALLED A RACIST he does not respond with contrition or sadness. He responds with the most classic racist comeback ever which is to simply say “I am the least racist person there is.” PRETTY sure I heard David Duke say that once.

So… what did this “least racist” president do on MLK Day? Did he go to memorials? Did he attend services for Dr. King? Did he participate in volunteer activities like Obama and Clinton? Did he bring in clergy, if he couldn’t get away, to hold a service in Dr. King’s honor?
NOPE. He went to Florida and went golfing. Remember this man? The one that said IF HE WERE PRESIDENT, he’d be too busy to play golf? Though… after a SINGLE YEAR IN OFFICE, he has gone golfing 91 times… allegedly costing tax payer $50,000,000! But, and here’s the best part… the President is required to pay for things like that since he can’t be seen to be taking advantage/bribes. BUT Trump mostly attends golf courses within the Trump Brand/Family. So… while the tax payers have footed $50,000,000 for the President to play Golf… we’ve also given TRUMP Corporate $50,000,0000 to allow the man who STILL HASN’T DIVESTED HIS INTERESTS to play there.

And yet… GOP Congress and people like my Cousin are eating all of the Fox News Bullshit and celebrating this man as though he were The Second Coming of the American Dream.

Well, Chinese Boss didn’t want me in Ames today but I had an appointment with a client that I had to keep. Maybe it was the fact that I was disobeying Chinese Boss… maybe it was the fact that it had nothing to do with immigration or the Chinese… maybe it was the fact that it was something totally in my wheelhouse… maybe the Therapy is helping. But it was okay. The client even thanked me for being cheerful as so many lawyers in her past had been grumps.

Of course… drive back? Soon as I parked the car, I was already back to my usual grim self. The very idea of Chinese Boss back at the office and my complexion turns dour. It can be so easy.

I do have to say, though, if I had gotten (in Tiny Town) the therapy I’m getting now? I would have survived it LOADS better. Therapist already figured out where the negativity comes from and why it persists. If I had known that in Tiny Town? I would have been able to make a big difference. Because the biggest element would have been to force myself/Wife to take a moment, pause, stop always moving forward and thinking about what is next… if we could have forced ourselves to really DEAL with the “now”… it would have been better.

SO you may ask, “Why not do that now?!” Well… interesting you should ask. In Tiny Town, I was much more the King of My Own Schedule; Master of My Own Fate. Here? My bosses own my schedule, my bosses interfere with my fate. BUT I’m not quitting or giving up on myself. I’ll do the therapy and hope that it can help me until (and through) the next step. And, no, I don’t want to hear reasons why there won’t be a next step. Granted, I am 33. My “dream” and my “hope” is to essentially be an Entry Level Employee again. I realize why that sounds crazy. That I want to work my ass off to get into an ACA position so that I can be The Old Guy surrounded by Young Kids? But… that is another reason why I panic and have issues with patience. Because… in Iowa… the staffs of ACA jobs are diverse in age but trending younger. I don’t want to be competing against 23 year old kids. Yes, I’ll have more experience… but I’ll have less longevity. So… while I certainly understand more where this stuff is coming from thanks to therapy? I still wish I could click my heels together and just… be where I want to be in time.

HA… sorry, that reminded me of the Grosse Pointe High’s fictional 1985 10 Year High School Reunion Slogan: Remember, there’s nowhere you can go that you haven’t learned to go in time.