The last few weeks. in Questions

Tonight, I was on the guest list for Saosin’s final sold out concert.
It was one of the best shows I’ve been to in a long time, maybe one of the best shows I’ve ever been to.

How has my life been these last few weeks?

It’s been pretty good.

Sometime before Christmas I took some acid solo…had some pretty profound realizations while I was tripping…I saw the fabric of reality, like…the actual fabric. It is multi-colored, threads made of little beads…it bends and moves as if it’s alive and it responds to thought.

The crazy thing that I realized about this fabric of reality was that it was always changing, subject to the thoughts and ideas of everyone all the time…we’re basically just creating reality as we go, like magicians…and I realized that if we’re constantly creating reality, then we really don’t need to let the negativity affect us…we just don’t include it in the design of our new reality, and at every second we have the opportunity to create and recreate reality.

It’s all subjective really…there’s nothing that’s just matter of fact in this world.

Reality is less about what happens and more about how we perceive those happenings.

So…since then I have decided that I am going to create something positive…I came to the realization that I am more comfortable being sad and depressed and bitching about life than I actually am being happy and content with everything.

I noticed that I feel weak when I smile.

No more of that.

I’m ready to be uncomfortable for a while…and I am willing to be uncomfortable for a while.

I’ve been doing this no drinking thing in January until I go to Salt Lake City on the 25th.
it’s not comfortable, but it’s forcing me to expand my ideas of appropriate time fillers.

Tonight I went to a concert all by myself and had one of the best times I’ve had in a long time.

I went to Disneyland not too long ago…that was amazing.

I’ve been forcing myself to drive more, go out and experience more…go to the beach more. I’ve been to the beach at least once a week this month.

,,,

I did some EMDR with my therapist about my belief that I am a loser…it took me back to some pretty early and painful memories, but I think we were able to get to the bottom of something, I was able to redirect some neural pathways…I was able to rewire some of my wiring…I was able to, for the first time in my life, imagine myself succeeding.

Since then I have been back on the coding grind…working towards something, something material…making a living for myself, making enough money to not have to worry all the time.

…

Today, Brittany told me that she thinks I’d be a natural parent.
She said it’s because I’m such a cancer.
I don’t think I agree with her…it’s all fine to be such a cancer and a natural lover, sure…but what about those times when I can’t get out of bed for months at a time?
What about those times when smiling feels like sandpaper rubbing against my face?
What about those times when I know that my family loves me, and I know that I love them, but I just don’t feel it…I have to rely purely on my knowledge, but all emotion is gone?

Am I supposed to have a child who feels like dad doesn’t love them all the time? Or a child that resents me for being absent emotionally and mentally for weeks on end?

Hahaha…the funny thing about the whole conversation is that I am single like a head shot.

There’s some new show out that Brittany wants to watch, she says it’s basically about us…two single people who act somewhere inbetween siblings and an old married couple who have no interest in dating the each other but at the same time would be totally lost without each other.

Today Brittany asked me, “Where do we find these people?”, she was talking about Lex…and her ex…and just basically everyone we collectively know. “They need to be analysed…studied.”

It’s true, everyone we know is crazy…but it makes sense because we’re crazy.

…

Tonight at the show I parked somewhere I wasn’t supposed to and instead of towing my car they just wrote all over the windows, basically just telling me I shouldn’t be parked where I was parked…I don’t know why I got so lucky, but I’m glad I did. I was in a nasty part of town.

Last time I got my car towed at a concert I was in a a REALLY nasty part of Los Angeles.
A little emo boy, by himself, stranded at 12:30 in the morning in the heart of the East Side.

The tow truck driver told me he’d get my car if I could pay him cash right then, and then he told me to stand under a specific street lamp and try not to look scared.

I wasn’t scared until he said that.
…

Lately I’ve been feeling like it would be nice to start dating again, but then I sit and I think about it…I mean, REALLY think about it…and I’m not ready to date anyone or anything.
I need to be able to take care of myself.
I don’t know why I feel like the clock is ticking…like I’m getting older and uglier every day.

I feel like all my hair and my teeth are falling out.
I feel like my bones are brittle and breaking.
I feel flabby and tired and my muscles ache at night.

I need to trick someone into coveting me before I become a worthless relic of a better time.

…

Well…I’ve kind of run out of things to type about, I think.
I’ve been on a big Anthony Green kick lately, get on my level and start listening to his shit and let’s talk about it.

“This is why I turn and walk away from everything…I never thought it’d be like this.”

I love you.
I’ll talk at you later.
Thanks for sticking around.

-Dane