Am I? Please? in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Woke up exhausted. Surprise, surprise… tried to go to bed at a reasonable time, still didn’t get to sleep until after midnight. Woke up to Winter Storm Advisories for the area. Tried to find my good belt in the apartment but… somehow… completely gone. So that’s weird. Got in the car and had a slippery drive to the office. As I always do, as I was walking from the Car Park to the Office, I looked for either of my bosses’ vehicles. White Boss’ truck was there. So imagine my surprise when I get to the office and every office is dark. Oh well. White Boss texted me that he was going to pick up his wife.... with the snow advisory and her driving, he didn’t want her driving in this kind of weather. My bosses have said that they are super exhausted lately as well. I honestly think, really and truly, that the problems with this firm start with them. They charge in too quickly. They say, “Yes, we can do this.” Rush in and then think “Can we do this? How do we do this?” I don’t know. So, we’ll see what happens. I’m very torn on the issue right now.

Like… if Chinese Boss comes in here and starts telling me about all the stupid mistakes, and why did I make them, and why don’t I pay more attention, and all of that? I will ask if I’m fired. And I know these two. They’ll say no. They’ll say no but wish they could say yes. Because they see me as “the guy they can give stuff to when they have a baby.” But we’ll see. I’d hate to be without a job for a year… but I’d be fine without a job for a few months. Especially this job. It would be nice to catch up on 10 months of sleep, get back into shape a bit, and then look for work with a fresher mind and renewed spirit. I think that is one of the bigger problems about Tiny Town to here. My mind and spirit were already tired.... took a job with a China Mentality of “If we call you and ask for 10 hours free on Saturday, you give to us”… and that didn’t help matters.


Of course… now I’ve been in the office for 3 hours… Chinese Boss has been in the office for two hours… and while things are tense, certainly, she hasn’t approached me to discuss anything at all… so either the shit storm is building or I’m not getting fired. And… I don’t know how to feel about the latter, honestly. In fact… considering stress (and I may be way off) here is a bit of what I told my therapist:

“The truth is… back in Tiny Town, if my relationship with my wife were healthier/better… I think we’d still be there. If we had each other, the emptiness of the county wouldn’t have crippled us as much. But I can’t say that now. Even if my relationship with my wife were perfect, I would still come home from work and want to curl up into a ball and shut the world out.

In fact, that is my biggest mental focus/block at the moment. Last night, when I thought I might get fired… it was a mixed bag. I was worried about providing, I was worried about my future… but I felt like I was free… like I could become a healthier person and discover what I needed to do. So, this morning when I discovered I wasn’t fired… just losing more pay… the old thought came up again: Would it be so irresponsible to quit? This is, obviously, a unique and extreme source of stress. A difficult, demanding job adds stress and the frequent self-questioning of “should I stay or not?” adds additional stress. I am actively looking for better employment in the mean time and… that adds even more stress. So… I think all of that continually adds to this crippling constant stress that perpetually exhausts me.”




Worked hard today. But everything was six minutes or less. And when you have to literally tally each hash tag and explain it.... fuck that is tedious. And makes things feel like you’re doing better. Because allegedly… according to my billing I’ve only worked a grand total of 3 hours today. And we all know how I loathe that kind of bullshit. Another feather in the “Maybe I should work at Starbucks” hat. I can do customer service. I can make customers happy. I am a compassionate, authentic guy, who is capable of working hard. The only complaints I’ve ever gotten (outside of this law firm) for my work have been managers who say I care too much about doing my job. Like… in Warehouse, I was chastised by management for not helping customers.... (I always though, if I am selling, who will do the warehouse’s job?) In Tiny Town, Ceclia would say that caring about my job the way I did was going to be bad for me, as the job was less “doing the job” and more “looking like you’re doing the job.”

And honestly… that is why I left and REALLY hoped I would have another prosecutor job by now. Well, I say that but what I mean is.... I hoped I would have either (1) gotten what was promised to me by this job or (2) have another prosecutor job by now.

Kind of a random throw in here but the way things are going… I don’t care.

My wife absolutely adores Britain. AND says just about every day/every week that we should visit there or live there or retire there or something. She’s watching Richard Ayoade’s “Travel Man” and some of the information is pricless and infuriating. Heathrow to Kastrup was 57 pounds. 57! That is an almost 800 mile flight. That is a flight for under 100 USD. I live in Iowa. From here to Chicago is a 333 mile drive. 90 Minute Flight, max. Cheapest I could find? About $250.00 for a flight. Apparently, traveling from Britain to EU countries is cheaper and easier than traveling from State to State!

I told Wife the other night… “If you can get a job in Britain that you want to do; we’ll move there. Promise.” She laughed, thought I was joking, and I made her shake on it. Because I am dead serious. But it will always be a joke. Because Wife will never suddenly shift her career focus to Britain and work non-stop to find something. That is one of the biggest differences between us. If I want something? If I really want something? I’ll go for it. It has to be something I want heart, mind, body, and soul. Like… I do have a problem with going after things I want. But if I want it more than anything else? Only God and Fate stop me. As with this Prosecutor Job. I apply to each and every one I can… even get the interviews… even get told I’m one of the top candidates.... God and Fate intervene. Meanwhile, Wife is a bit the opposite. If it is a passing fancy, she’ll be able to grab it out of the blue no worries. But if it is something she genuinely passionately wants? She’ll watch it sail by and lament not doing more to grab it. And it makes me wonder if that is fundamentally a gender thing based exclusively on dating norms. Wife was and is cute. Granted, if she wanted the hottest boy in school, she would have gotten in her own way. But if she had a passing fancy for a boy and that boy asked her out… so much the better. If she really passionately wanted a boy, and that boy didn’t ask her out (or rejected her)… nothing she could do (via dating norms). Whereas I, especially raised as a strict Christian boy, was told that dating was ONLY TO FIND THE PERSON YOU WERE GOING TO MARRY. So… the passing fancy female was appreciated and ignored… a crush that passed was merely a distraction. If I liked a girl and it stayed with me for a few months… it became something I knew I really, deeply, genuinely wanted… I would at least make a move. Not always, nor often, successful… but I would wait until there was almost a need. Just an interesting difference between us.

Though… thinking of Britain, there is something I wanted to say. I may have mentioned this before but if not, I’ll mention it now. Wife and I need a vacation so badly. And I am sick/dead tired of postponing or putting other people’s needs/desires/expectations first. SO I told her. Straight Up. WE ARE TAKING A VACATION THIS YEAR. And if we schedule something for the end of summer.... and my bosses say, “Hell no you can’t take vacation”… I’m out. I mean… I live on the edge of “I’m out” but… if I can’t take my wife on vacation after 7 years of marriage… then more than just the job need to get sorted out. To paraphrase what some of y’all have been saying.... we don’t have debt, we don’t have kids, and we have a sufficient nest egg. If we wanted to be complete idiots, we could both quit our jobs, not change our lifestyle, and be fine for at least a good.... year. Yeah, I’d say a full 12 months before we were on the street begging for change.

So ultimately, the absolute truth? There are three things keeping me at this job right now
(1) It is, arguably, an easier way to make income than being solo. Literally, they don’t give me money… as the $2500 I receive from the firm is merely “my share” of the $5,000 or more I am required to bring into this firm. But the business side of it all is not something I have to handle, and I appreciate that.
(2) I signed a contract agreeing to work here. Granted, this is Iowa and all contracts are Right To Work (which means you can be fired or quit with no contractual obligations other than any Non Compete or Confidentiality Clauses). But… I am a man who wishes to honor his agreements. If I can, I would like to do well here for however long I’m here. If I can’t… fuckin’ fire me and get it over with.
(3) I am genuinely concerned about an extended gap in employment. I know I shouldn’t be for a lot of reasons. I get that. But it isn’t like it would be a gap of X to Y. It would be a gap starting at X and ending, hopefully, at some point. In fact, lets break down the terror
3a) Extended Gap of Employment Concern 1: No guarantee of an ending. Whenever you leave a job, with no promise or offer on another job, there is no way of knowing when you’ll start working again. That is terrifying.
3b) Extended Gap of Employment Concern 2: With no way of knowing when you’ll start working again, any financial concern is enhanced, multiplied, and increased. If you don’t know when you’ll start having income again… any little “emergency expense” becomes a nightmare.
3c) Extended Gap of Employment Concern 3: Even if you have a handy excuse in your back pocket like “travel”, any extended break between jobs is suspect on a resume. Especially MY resume. Because it would say May 2012-March 2016 (Corrections) April 2016- March 2017 (Prosecutor) April 2017-whenever 2018 (Private Firm). So… adding an extended break in there could give the wrong impression.

OH. MY. GOD. Hearing Chinese Boss and White Boss talking to each other about my cases? Chinese Boss has no idea what is going on in this firm or in the law. Granted, I’m not doing enough research into my cases… y’know… I see a police video with (1) Defendant driving; (2) Defendant driving 30 mph over the speed limit; (3) Defendant driving 30 mph over the speed limit making aggressive turns; (4) Defendant gives a breath sample indicating his BAC is over .175… I see “Fucker needs to plead guilty and take whatever deal we can get!” Because according to how the law works fucker is guilty as sin and it won’t even make it to a jury before a judge says “Why are you fighting this?” Here’s the interesting part…
White Boss agrees with me. White Boss is totally on my side because LAW. Chinese Boss is arguing. Chinese Boss wants to make sure that there is no possibility that the client will face immigration consequences due to their criminal action. Well..... frankly? Even if we were the best attorneys in the Country with an army of Immigration Experts? The Real World is the Real World. If this kid keeps drinking and driving… then yes… he will get deported. That is how the law works. And do you all remember me? Do you all know me? Why did I go to law school? Why did I want to be a lawyer? Because I wanted to support The Law. I wanted to be able to say that the Law as applied is applied equally and serves justice. Due to “deportation and admissibility” is there an argument that Foreign Nationals are less served by justice? I suppose there is the argument. But then that is part of the justice of it. If an individual is going to enter this country as a guest (non-immigrant student) to earn his education… and instead repeatedly drinks and drives… then revoking his invitation seems just. Just like the kid who came here on a Student Visa and decided to bring a loaded gun to school the day after the worst mass shooting ever. That is a crime involving a gun; yeah, he’s deportable. By the law, he isn’t even supposed to own a gun. So… illegally owning a gun… bringing a loaded weapon onto school grounds… yeah. I’m not going to shed a bunch of tears that it is a deportable issue. Maybe I’m the asshole.