If my armor breaks, I'll fuse it back together. in In My World

I promised you that I would tell you everything and I promised you that I’d write tonight so here goes…

2017 was an absolutely awful year for me. Like… the worst year of my life bad. I got to the point where I was actually happy for the first time since highschool. Maybe the happiest I’ve been in my life. Just a few days after I realized how happy I was, Pork got sick. We took her to the vet and then had to rush her to the emergency vet but she stopped breathing on the way there. They took her back and did CPR on her but they couldn’t get her heart restarted…it had been too long. She died in my arms on the way to the emergency vet. It was hard. It is hard. I’m trying so so fucking hard not to let myself get lost in the grief. She died in exactly the way she had to…if she had gone in her sleep my mom would have had to have found her. If she got sick my mom would have had to worry for a while. She was my mom’s therapy dog if you remember me talking about her. If she was going to die it had to be quick an unexpected otherwise my mom would have time to worry and hurt over it. I know that must sound weird to some people but you understand our relationship with our dogs better than anyone. She was 13 years old. She lived a good life. Before they lived with us, Her and Texas had come from a military family. They had passports and everything. They had to be put in the shelter when the owners were being forced to move to a country that wouldn’t allow them to keep them. She was 5 when we got her, going on 6. That means that we had her for all of 7 years. It hurts. I cried the day of and the day after but after that I was alright because I knew that she went out in exactly the way she had to. I was holding her and she was so so loved.

Texas is 13-14 years old now and he has bronchitis again. The vet is afraid that it’s a heart cough which would require a lot more than just some pills. I am terrified that we’ll lose him too… He’s healthy and happy for now but I always thought Pork would outlive him. I know that’s fucked up but he’s had this cough for a while. I don’t want to prepare myself for losing him too. Little Bear was over 20 when we lost him. He lived his last 3 years with us. I wanna believe Texas is fine but I am so fucking scared. I’ve never told anyone this because talking about it made it too real. I know you get it. Especially because you’re baby is getting to be up there with him in age. I’ll keep doing things every day to make sure he has the best life possible but I’m so fucking scared.

After Pork I decided that I was going to try my hardest to stay happy. She wouldn’t have wanted me to be depressed over her, She wasn’t that kind of dog. I probably sound fucking batshit right now but I just knew her, you know? I was doing really well for a while. Work was good, we got through the holidays great, and I even made a new friend. I don’t know if I wanna tell you about him in this entry but he becomes really important later for now I’ll just call him Roommate. I spent so much time at my friend Lizzie’s apartment in Waynesboro so I haven’t even been home that much. I was at Skye’s parents a few days in there also. Things were great. I was… I was good. I was getting better and I was honestly doing so well.

Enter fucked up shit number 2: Someone I was close to before I moved died last week. I found out and I thought I was alright but as soon as Lizzie and I talked about it all I wanted to do was cry forever. It came in waves. It comes in waves. She and I decided to buy a bottle of UV blue, a shot of Jager and a shot of Absolute Vanilla and just drink. We didn’t intend to get drunk or anything, we just wanted to lessen the hurt. I have never once thought about handling anything with alcohol before this. Idk what it was about losing him that made me want to get drunk but she and I drank the whole bottle. I was thinking and talking straight but I was definitely drunk. I asked Roommate to hold my hand for a little while because I was in a really weird state of mind and I needed the grounding feeling. He’d been at work for the us getting drunk portion of the night so he walked in about the time I was at my drunkest. He went into his room after a while to go Skype with his girlfriend. There are also blips I don’t remember because I hadn’t slept in about 4 days. Even that night I only slept for about an hour and a half. I was in and out of a very light sleep for a little bit and that’s why I don’t really remember what was going on. I was messaging with the art teacher he and I shared a class with in middle school. She remembered us. She still cares about us. Something she said reminded me of how close he and I really were. I went outside where Lizzie was, sat down and cried. I cried for almost an hour with her because it was just all too much to take. By this point, I was sobering up but everything I felt was mine, not a result of the alcohol. I cried so much and I just let it hurt for a little while. She wanted to go to bed so I went up to her loft and I reread the messages and cried a little longer. Just quiet tears by that point but I just felt so lost. Broken. Roommate comes out and goes to walk towards Lizzie’s room but I knew she was asleep so I told him I was in the loft. (Remind me to show you a picture so this makes sense. It’s not really important but I like my recollections to be detailed and in that way it needs to make sense). He’s got a bottle of Kraken with him which I took a sip of but my dumbass takes a big sip thinking it won’t burn because the rest of the UV didn’t…HA. (That’s just a funny note… back to the point) I was talking to him about how hurt I was and how angry I was that I could grieve someone I hadn’t seen in almost 10 years but not one of my best fucking friends who died in may. I think you know about that if you don’t I’m sure there’s an entry somewhere. He kept trying to tell me that all the bad feels were a result of the alcohol but they weren’t. He promised me we’d have one of those sit down and spill everything conversations soon. He hugged me for a couple minutes but I told him to go back to his girlfriend. I told him she was more important. It hurt to watch him walk away becasue I knew being alone was a horrible idea. I read the messages one more time and then I passed out for about an hour and a half. I know this is way WAY more detail than you were looking for but I wanted to make sure I wrote as much detail as I could so that if I forget anything I’ll remember it when I reread this.

Backtracking… His name was Ryan. Ryan Cody Abinette. I was in love with him in middleschool. I know that sounds silly but he wasn’t even my first crush. He was in the same art class as me and he was one of those people that was a jerk with his friends but sweet and caring to me. He even stood up for me once when his friends were being mean to me. I was bullied a lot then so him standing up for me was monumental. (Literally all he did was say the word enough… it wasn’t even a big thing to him or them or anything.. just meant a lot to me.) We had to stay afterschool a few times for things, I can’t even remember what now, maybe delayed busses? and he and I would hang out. He also needed food money a couple times, I remember that even now because he owed me $6. How funny is it that I remember that an entire decade later? He had this stupid little smirk that I fell for every time. I never had a chance with him but that same teacher used to tell me (us?) that we’d make a really cute couple and that she was sure we’d work it out next year. It was at the end of the school year and we were moving to high school. I’ll write more about him later. I need to find my pictures and my journal from then. I want to tell you all about him because I want someone else to know him the way I knew him. That teacher and I are the only people who had the absolute privilege of knowing that side of him. Someone I was in love with at 13 broke my heart at 23. That’s the sum up of all of this. I hurt so so much about it. I know I’m not done hurting about him and I know I’m not done crying but he doesn’t even have an obituary yet. There’s a gofundme for funeral and memorial expenses and I’m just hoping I didn’t miss it or something. My heart aches.

With all this going on I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to keep going. It took me so fucking long to get to the point where I was happy again and I want to believe I’m still there. I can feel myself getting bad again which is why I want to write again. I know writing keeps me from getting in my own head too much. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel like this. I want to be happy. I just want things to go right for a change and I want to be happy. I’m trying so fucking hard. On top of everything else going on I don’t work at all until the 16th and then I think they’re switching me to only working tuesdays and thursdays so I’ll have to get a second job.

Things are bad. I want so badly for them to be good so I’ve been pretending because maybe if I pretend long enough things really will be good but I’m struggling. There’s more but I’m too tired to think of anything else right now. I know you’re busy but please read all of this if you can. It’s probably too much. It’s probably incredibly boring but I need someone else to know all that’s going on. I mean, other people do know that everything has happened but I don’t think anyone else knows how badly I really feel still. I appreciate you.

This has been playing on repeat for 2 maybe 3 weeks now. Listen if you can. It’s a great album. I’ll leave some quotes that I like the most. It explains how I’m really doing… Not the stuff I want to pretend to be. You know me, Lyrics explain everything so much better than I can. Thank you for reading. And thank you for our conversation about bullshit today, It really means a whole lot to me. I’ll tell you more about Roommate if you want to know. He’s become an important part of my life. I just didn’t want to bore you to tears.

Linkin Park - One More Light

• “I wanna fall wide awake, watch the ground giving way now. You tell me it’s alright, tell me I’m forgiven tonight but nobody can save me. I’m holding up a light, chasing out the darkness inside cause nobody can save me.”
• “I found a false solution but nobody proved me wrong.”
• “I admit I made mistakes but yours might cost you everything can’t you hear me calling you home?”
• “If my armor breaks, I’ll fuse it back together.”
• “Battle Symphony, please just don’t give up on me.”
• “This is not black and white, only organized confusion. I’m just trying to get it right and in spite of all I should have done.”
• “Words that I could have used I was too scared to say out loud. If I could not break your fall, I’ll pick you up right off the ground. If you felt invisible I won’t let you feel that now.”

• “I dont like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down.”
• “I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic.”
• “I know I’m not the center of the universe but you keep spinning ‘round me just the same”
• “I drive myself crazy thinkin’ everythings about me”
• “You say that I’m paranoid but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I made the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy”
• “I’m holding on, why is everything so heavy?”
• “I keep dragging around whats bringing me down, if I just let go I’d be set free.”

Okay, Those under the line are all from Heavy, there’s a good reason I told you to look up that one in particular. That one is probably the most important right now.

• “I just passed out by the time you wake up”
• “I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. There will be a day that you will understand.”
• “I scream at myself when there’s nobody else to fight. I don’t lose, I don’t win. If I’m wrong then I’m halfway right.
• “…Couldn’t remember where I’d been that night, I knew I took it too far.”
• “All you said to do was slow down, I remember, now I remember. All you said to do was slow down but I was already gone.”
• “Told me, “Kid, you’re going way too fast, You burn too bright, you know you’ll never last”. It was bullshit then, I guess it makes sense now.”
• “I was already gone”
• “Oh. And you’re angry, and you should be. It’s not fair. Just ‘cause you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”
• “Who cares if one more light goes out in the sky of a million stars?”
• “Who cares if one more light goes out? Well, I do.”
• “Sharp edges have consequences, I guess that I had to find out for myself. Sharp edges have consequences, now every scar is a story I can tell.”
• “We all fall down, we live some how. We learn what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

Okay, That was a lot. If you don’t want to listen to the whole album please listen to Heavy, Halfway Right, and One More Light. Those are the top 3 I want you to hear.

Bonus:

• “Fridays will always be better than Sundays”
• “It’s all about my forehead, and how it is a door that holds back contents that make Pandora’s Box’s contents look non-violent.”
• “I am not as fine as I seem, Pardon”
• “I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win. I begin to assemble what weapons I can find ‘cause sometimes to stay alive you’ve gotta kill your mind.”
• “Life has a hopeful undertone”
  - ”We’ve made it this far, Kid.”