Exploding Hearts in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

My heart feels so heavily burdened and God knows I must give this to Him. Tomorrow will mark fourteen days Blue has been in the hospital and getting progressively worse. Initially he had lung issues which turned to multiple matters, most recently he had a heart attack on Saturday morning. He had a cardiac catherization yesterday and two things were found. One, a blockage too big to stent, so he needs bypass. The other was a large aneurysm in his heart which needs to be removed. The heart matters are serious, the lung infection, trouble breathing, severe emphysema, are complications making this a very high risk surgery.

A year ago I would be camped out at the hospital around the clock advocating for the best treatment available and supporting Blue in any way possible. I had been advocating for some treatment prior to Blue having the heart attack because his condition wasn't improving and the hospital wanted to discharge him. They did and had him back in the ICU within less than 24 hours. It's a blessing in disguise, the heart attack is forcing the blockage to be dealt with more immediately which couldn't be done during the cath. The doctor doesn't think he is going to be able to deal with the aneurysm, a fairly significant sized one at that, because overall Blue is too weak and has too many other complicating issues. I find that disturbing and try to put it out of my mind. First things first, but I wonder, does this mean they'll be splitting him open again in the future to deal with the aneurysm?

Most of my day was spent in prayer because this was the day "that would arrive sometime down the road" and I would be faced with the question, "What would I do when Blue got sick again?" First I put on my "Be logical, deal with it" hat and once I had the facts in and knew who all the contact people were I went to the second point, emotional. I was broken. I had to get out of emotions and into God's plan for me. I had to get out of my old self, out of my own way, and let God lead me. Make no mistake this has been my biggest challenge in being in Christ and not my old self.

Between doctors calling, contacting Blue's sister with updates and dealing with obnoxious and near threatening phone conversations with Blue's room mate my head was spinning. The only rational thing that stuck in my head was "seek God's perfect plan for me". God will take care of Blue, where He wants me in that picture, if at all, will be revealed if I seek God's will and not mine.

Bless the kind hearts that called and sent messages and prayers, offers to go to the hospital and check on Blue, folks that wanted to open their homes to me so I could stay nearby during his surgery tomorrow, even those willing to loan cars and money to help with airfare. The loving kindness of my brothers and sisters was coming when I most needed it, I was feeling pretty lonely until then.

The big decisions have been made. Blue will be on his own for the surgery, I have only a small knot in my gut over that, no more than any other time he's been in the hospital alone. All the paperwork making me his durable power of attorney, the person to decide what to do should "those decisions" need to be made are now officially mine, there is nothing left except to talk to him after he comes out of recovery.

The cardiologist called me a while ago and explained every detail of tomorrow then we discussed what will need to happen several days post surgery. There is an expected 6-8 week recovery/rehab and we began the plans for that. Blue has agreed to let me arrange his placement and future housing situation, both of which are already in the embryonic stages.

With all that completed I took time to sit again and listen for God to speak to me. I hear His voice saying I followed the path through the halls he walked me down today. I kept my eye on God's plan for me and on Jesus, yet I served the needs of someone who needed help. I feel different, less afraid, stronger, sheltered in the power of God's love.

For a long time I have been praying Blue will fully accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Certainly this would be a prime time to find his heart one with the Lord's. The last thing the doctor told me before we ended our call was that when he was done explaining the surgery that he prayed with Blue. I added my two cents worth and asked God to bless the doctor as well.

My heart is exploding with the love of God.