Some day, I’m going to write down all of the ridiculous and stupid things my Chinese Clients do. I’ll lay it all bare for everyone to see. And I’ll say, “Look. Look. The Immigration Statistics consistently state that the largest growing immigrant population in the United States is from Asia. The Immigration Statistics consistently state that the largest population by percentage of illegal immigrants is from Asia. But while you were so worried about the Mexicans, you ignored the threat of China buying everything and giving that money to their children who come here on Student Visas, don’t leave when they are supposed to, become illegal immigrants, and still act as though they are “young, rich, and surrounded by corruption.” Guess what… they aren’t surrounded by corruption anymore. You can’t slip an Officer 7,000 Yuan and be let go. If it were like… one or two simple college mistakes, fine. But I have clients that wreck their car while driving drunk, get their license taken away, then wreck another car (both of which were expensive as balls) while driving drunk a few weeks later. Or… a 22 year old kid… no violence, just a $147,000 Mercedes-Benz super car that he thinks he can drive at top speed wherever he wants to. So it is my job to fight a traffic ticket (a traffic ticket) because he has so many tickets his license will get suspended if he is convicted of speeding again. As I often think (loudly to myself) GOOD. If he gets “Speeding” and “Reckless Driving” tickets all the time… and still doesn’t realize he should drive like a normal person… he needs to face some damned consequences. Which, ultimately, is what makes me so sick about this job in many ways.

I wanted to become a prosecutor because I am all about consequences. You steal a piece of gum… just handing it back and saying sorry isn’t good enough. No, I don’t think you should go to jail… but there should be consequences… like paying for the gum… or working at that store to appreciate what the vendor does. And it gets bigger as the sin gets bigger. You slam into someone with your car because you are speeding and drunk? Just getting probation and paying a fine isn’t good enough. No, I don’t think you should go to jail for the rest of your life… but there should be consequences… like some jail, rehabilitation requirements, victim impact counseling, and probation to keep you from drinking.

But this job is all about mitigating or eliminating consequences. If you’re good at this job; your clients will never learn a thing about acting like responsible adults. In fact, Chinese Boss continually says the three things we DON’T want for our clients: (1) We need to make sure they don’t get deported; (2) We need to make sure they don’t go to jail; (3) We need to make sure they don’t get their driving license suspended. But, and I know this is a hard concept, we are not responsible for those outcomes. If the client didn’t want to get deported? Maybe don’t illegally buy a gun and start acting like a gangster? If the client didn’t want to go to jail? Maybe don’t drive drunk all the time? If the client didn’t want their license suspended? Maybe have Car Insurance as the law requires? Because… and here is a big underlying factor… an American Citizen that goes to China and breaks the law (even or especially if they did not know what the law was) does NOT GET A FREE PASS. You break the law there, you have to face fairly harsh consequences. You break the law here? We’re a LOT NICER but there are still consequences, dammit.

Again… you can see why I want to be a prosecutor. Because when every inch of my soul screams, “No. Fuck you. I can’t miracle you a way out of your lifestyle of shitty decisions. You made this bed, you have to lie in it.” My actions are required to be, “Yes sir, right away. I will endeavor to find any way I can to keep you from getting deported, going to jail, or getting suspended.” And it makes me angry, hurts my heart, and fills me with conflict.

The statement that would get me fired if I yelled it as loud as I want to:

THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A CHINESE CITIZEN DOES NOT GIVE YOU SPECIAL TREATMENT IN THE UNITED STATES

Follow the law. Behave like a responsible adult. Most people in this country never have to worry about jail or license suspension. Don’t be the exception… because guess what, you ain’t exceptional.