January 4 in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Thank you everyone for the notes yesterday. Sadly, I desperately do need feedback. It is why I was an actor. I need the applause, the laughter, the boos, the tears… I need that to know how I’m doing. My confidence in my abilities is limited by the effectiveness of those abilities.

Since I was running all over Ames last night, I actually did do something stupid. I left my computer without hitting save. So I lost my billable hours. I reconstructed all but all but 10:20 to 11:10 and 13:26 to 14:00. But whatever I did in that time must have been important because… without that portion of my billing, I am missing 0.9 hours. Almost a full hour. I know my bosses are going to be mad about that. But I’m fairly certain my bosses are going to be mad about my hours this week anyway. Or always. It is what it is. When it comes to discovering things for them about the Mid-West (as the only one from here) I can do it in record time. When it comes to discovering things for them about the law… it is more difficult. Because I still have a Criminal Specialist inside me. It is one of the top five reasons why I want to go back to being a Prosecutor. And maybe that is why I am still here. Because I have to let go of that dream, focus on learning everything, and then re-assess if I really want to be a prosecutor.

But… no surprise… I am super tired. I was working yesterday from 8 am to 8:30 pm.... and only get paid for 4 hours. And I had a hearing that started at 8 today and I will likely be working late today as well. Hopefully, for actual money.

On a different tack, but really ultimately the same and something you’ve all heard before anyway: I’ve been thinking about the last 10 years. 2008 was my first full year out of college. I was at Best Buy, not an appropriate place for a college grad but welcome to the bloody recession. I would interview with banks and insurance companies and other professional places and they would all look at my resume, see almost a full decade of work (Grocery, Cinema, Shoe Store, Guerrilla Marketing, Cook) and then they would look at my college degree “Bachelor of Arts; Study of Religion.” You could see their face change shape. From “Well rounded experienced kid” to “What the fuck?” Funny thing, sadistic thing… I know people in the upper echelons of business that had a BA in Religion when they graduated. A focus on cultural diversity, textual analysis, public speaking, and civil debate. But in 2008, it was all just “No. Go away. Business Majors are stabbing each other for entry level positions as telemarketers right now, we have no room for you!” So… Best Buy. Which was okay in many ways. Utter bullshit in many other ways. But I knew it wasn’t going to last. Because you see, before I had even graduated from college… I knew I was going to Law School. My mind was set and my passions dedicated. I was going to law school to learn to be a prosecutor. BUT I wanted to make sure I was dedicated to it. I had been dedicated to acting for 15 years before I decided that what I wanted most in the world was a family. So I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t just bail from the Law School desire.

I worked at Best Buy up until the month I got married. July 2011. I started Law School August 2011. August 2011 to May 2014 was a wild emotional ride. I learned about myself, made new friends, made a new very best friend, realized that I was a Me not just a Them and finally embraced who I was. Of course, there were struggles. It was school, but that wasn’t the big struggle. Even when two people are very much in love and very much dependable people… Law School threatens every couple. By the end of it, Wife and I were one of the only ones that had survived. I like to think of it as an Equivalent Exchange. We traded in “Honeymoon Period” for “Law School” and instead of enjoying the Honeymoon Period we got to survive Law School. But just barely. I remember, and it is well documented in Prosebox, how unsure I was if I should stay married. Back then… I think I wanted to stay married just to prove that Law School hadn’t beaten us. That and… dragging someone to a different state that they don’t like being in only to divorce them there (and only 3 years after getting married) seemed like an absolutely royal asshole thing to do. Though, I did have good reason. I won’t rehash it all but after starting Law School in August 2011, Wife and I had sex on November 2011 and then not again until late 2014. SO that had a lot to do with it as well.

After Law School, finding a job was very difficult. I had a Nebraska address and had only ever worked Government Law Jobs so people in Iowa didn’t want to hire me. It was a story that happened to many of my friends. My very best friend had a hard time getting work until he just randomly started calling elderly attorneys who may be looking at retirement within the decade. Would they want to take someone on, train them up, and then sell the firm to them at retirement? It was a good strategy, worked well for him. BUT I wanted to be a prosecutor. I worked hard trying to make it happen. Applications and interviews out the wazoo. Back then I would drive 600 miles in a day for a 20 minute interview. Not exaggerating, I had an interview in the city of Wapello (while I was living in Omaha).

Ultimately, Wife decided we needed to move back to Iowa. She was right, of course. Iowa employers were looking to hire Iowans. A simple address change would mean a lot. But before we could make the move, I got a job offer. I remember the interview. Tired, run down County Attorney in a tired, run down County. I was appalled that the only movie theater in the county was a 1 Screen theater that was showing 1 film and the film was over 4 months old. And that was the only entertainment. I spoke with Wife about the offer. We kicked it around back and forth. Ultimately, I took it. Because, we thought, experience and money are what matter. Turns out this was an excellent learning experience for us. Because we honestly don’t care about money. Sure, we certainly need it. And I should be paid what I’m worth dammit. But what good is money if you’ve no where and no cause to spend it. So we learned that MONEY was not our motivating factor. And as we tried to experience the town a little, we discovered that there was a three-tier system (it seemed). Tier 1 were those with money and resources; the people who ran the city. These people were corrupt jerky assholes. I know because I had a long phone call with one when he wanted his neighbor’s son released from custody after striking his wife. Tier 2 were those simply keeping their heads down and trying to survive. Most of these people were elderly and drove the 45 minutes into another county for food as rarely as they could. They simply stayed home and, when approached, would talk about why the country needed Donald Trump in office. Tier 3 were the ones I saw most. These were the people that had no ability to leave the county but no ability to stay in the county. Just without resources… including intelligence or self-control. So of course they wound up in court over and over. We learned a lot about ourselves there. Honestly? Looking back on it? It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t the right time. A conversation I had with Ran and Cecilia before we left. If Wife and I were older… already had our kids, already sowed our oats… it would be perfect, absolutely perfect. The job pay, job demands, quiet living, able to stay in the house watching movies all week.... it would have been great. Hell, Ran agreed because young though he may have looked… his kids were all grown.

So… I started looking for work again. I knew more about myself and I knew more about my wife. She would not settle for a small area. I wanted a job with more people. So I applied and interviewed again. Over and over again. Though, Ran (unlike current bosses) was encouraging of it. I interviewed all over the State again. But the only people that ever made me an offer happened to be in the exact city where Wife wanted to live. It wasn’t much money, but Tiny Town had proven to us that we didn’t need much money. There were no benefits, so Wife would have to go back to work… she said it would be okay, since it got us to Des Moines. So… with a combination of excitement and unease, we took the job.

And landed here. Where I have learned a LOT more about myself. I’ve learned that “a job with more people” needs to be a bit more specific of a request. I’ve learned that I can be a good lawyer (which Tiny Town was unable to help me discover). So that is an excellent thing to learn. I’ve learned that I have a passion for Criminal Law but can learn other practices. I’ve learned a lot. But among that? I’ve learned what I want. I remember last year in Tiny Town… I honestly didn’t know what I wanted. I was concerned because I was a person that (quoting an actual entry here) “don’t know what I want and wouldn’t know how to go after it if I did.” Well… now I know what I want. I have a clear vision in my head of exactly what I want. And I’ve put all of the variables into that picture and said, “What about this? What about this?” And frankly… it can work. PICTURE plus demand for 80 hour work weeks? God that would be excruciating; but it could work. PICTURE plus Wife never being better and our relationship continuing as it has? I would be disappointed and saddened; but it could work. PICTURE plus Global Economic Meltdown? It would work… I’d be terrified for the future, but it would work. And that is where I think so much of what I’m feeling comes from. For the first time since I quit acting… I know what PICTURE is. I know what PICTURE looks like! And getting glimpses of it? Like the interview in Cedar Rapids.... or the dozens of other applications I send out all the time without telling people… it builds a mountain. The excitement of PICTURE actually being known… the tantalizing possibility of getting it… getting close to it… and then no… added to the mountain of previous NO… the weight gets to be a bit much to bear. So I break. Periodically. And I’ll admit… when there is nobody around… no notes on Prosebox, no friends on Facebook, Wife continuing to be lackluster support at best.... that break becomes an overwhelming wave crashing again and again. And like something out of a movie written so poorly I likely penned it.... the waves crash, my body flails, and still I reach for what I want. But I’ve seen many people.... many many people… many far more talented, good looking, fortunate, skilled than I… that never reached what they wanted. And I so rarely know what I want that I am terrified I’ll never get there either. That’s all.

That’s why I appreciate the notes so much. I know I get down right repetitive and I’m just as sick of it as everyone else. But it is because of how my brain legitimately functions. It is why I have the esteem and confidence problems I do. Because growing up, my perception was always challenged. “X Men are cool,” I would posit. The rest of the world (at that age, the rest of the world is everyone you know) “X Men suck and comic books are gay.” “I love dancing and acting and singing,” I would joyfully shout. The rest of the world, “That means you’re gay.” And then it spread to larger things. “I think that a woman striking a man in an argument is abuse like a man striking a woman in an argument is abuse,” I would say. The rest of the world, “Not even close, the girl couldn’t even hurt him!” “A woman kissing a man without his consent is just as bad as a man kissing a woman without her consent,” I would say. The rest of the world, “You are so gay. If a woman doesn’t want a man, it is hard to push him away. If a guy doesn’t want a girl, just shove her off!” It continued to College. “Guys, stop making fun of his weight when he’s actively not eating. You may be giving him a complex,” I would say. The rest of the world, “Guys don’t get eating disorders unless they want to be girls. Besides, fat guy like that could use skipping a few meals a day.” Or my absolute favorite: “The fact that manliness is measured by muscle size and success at violence seems really destructive,” I would say. The rest of the world, “That’s because you don’t measure up. You’re a ‘sensitive guy’ which means you’re closeted and probably want to do real men since you’ll never be one.”

The rest of the world wasn’t right. Certainly. But the constant contradictions stay with me. It is why I can make snap decisions quickly when I need to. Because I already know that whatever decision I make won’t matter… it will be contradicted by a lot of people no matter what. But the people I trust? The people that are close to me? I do want my decisions, my beliefs, my understanding to be echoed in them. Because if I’m out on a limb alone (as I was through most of the above discussions)… I’ll just keep questioning myself. Sad when you think about it. Not sad as in “give me pity” but sad as in “that’s pathetic.”