Everybody's Watching me (uh oh) in Every day scata

The neighborhood

12:49 pm

I hope everyone had a safe and happy new years eve. I actually made it to midnight, but went to be immediately after. Because there was no reason for me to get up, I slept way too late today. I would still be asleep if Tyson didn’t stick his cold nose into my back.

I need to find a way to shave my legs. I can’t do it in the shower because I’m afraid the water will some how seep into the bag and get my cast wet. I honestly don’t think I can properly hold the razor in my left hand, or my right. ::sigh:: it is really driving me crazy. I can’t stand my legs to be hairy. It’s a peeve of mine.

I’m really glad I didn’t just jump ship back over to Open Diary. Granted, I haven’t hit any random entries to note people or whatever, but it’s way too quiet there. Weird’s me out.

I guess I did okay with the first JVM prompt. I really had a hard time doing it because I don’t like the way I look, or sound. Weird how I can get in front of strangers and do something like that, but to be by myself and take a video freaks me out. And it looks like a few of the prompts should be videos of myself. Maybe I’ll get over my fear. And maybe my speakers will spontaneously start working so I can use my web cam instead of my phone. I need to be able to play it back in case I sound like a complete moron before posting it online.

Who knows, I might get over my fear and start vlogging every once in a while.

2:21 pm

Dammit! I just now realized that I can’t watch anyone’s JVM’s because I don’t have fucking sound! Son of a bitch.

3:24 pm

I’m thinking too much.

I had posted in the LGBTQ bipolar site last night, that said “I want to wish each and every one of you a very happy new year (I know I’m late getting this to some of you lol)
I’m trying to think of the new year as a blank slate. Maybe the story I write this year will be better than the last :)
Stay safe everyone <3”

I was strangely optimistic. I think I was being that way for everyone else though. lol my post just a few minutes ago… “It’s whine time.
I’m feeling “stuck” and maybe a little depressed today. I am fearful that my “blank slate” is going to stay blank, or just list a bunch of things I screwed up.
I mean, I’m going to be another step closer to 50 in a few weeks, and I have done nothing with my life. Ugh Such a depressing thought!
I think about how my parents really did have high hopes for me. I was supposed to be the first to go to college, instead I ended up dropping out. They didn’t pressure me, didn’t say that I was a disappointment or anything like that. They didn’t have to because I said those things to myself.
And here I am. Broke, brokEN, lonely, and clueless.”

It doesn’t help that even if I could get off my ass and do something, it’s hard with a cast on. I would love to go to town sometime this week (maybe say if I clean at Client #3’s house tomorrow) and just take pictures of interesting things I see, but I can’t hold the camera right with the damn cast.

I would love to have people over and cook them dinner. I’ve always wanted to do that. And even though the basement is my space, where I live, Pam isn’t social like that, and I don’t know how she would react if I just shut the door leading down here and had people over. Like someone from the “Home for the holidays” group.

In fact, I brought it up to her and the first thing she said to me was “And who is going to pay for and cook the food?” Like I would put everything on her. Even with my wrist… well, I would need help opening cans… crap and shaping the meatballs. Well, I guess spaghetti and meatballs is out for now.

I’m just so fucking lonely, y’know? Pam doesn’t want me to hang around with her. She tends to ignore me if I go upstairs and sit next to her. I have no friends around town to hang with. I would love to have someone over just to eat and talk and just.. have someone there.

And there I go, crying again. I’m such an idiot.

6:01 pm

Made my phone calls to my clients. Client #3 doesn’t want me again. Client #1 surprised me and said no to this week. Client #2 sent me a text (which is what triggered my calls) saying we’re on for Thursday.

I called and left a message at the Alpenhorn saying I was available tomorrow if they needed me a couple of hours to turn rooms over, or whatever. I sent yet another text to the dude with the other bed and breakfast because his mother was supposed to get in touch with me and never did. I’m not chasing these people around. Shit like that pisses me off.

I still need to text #5 to set up the every other week schedule, and #6 might lose her spot after I talk to 5 because I’m not going to wait for her to make up her mind and lose business because of it. I have to call #3’s friend to see if I can convince him to have me come in and clean. That will happen tomorrow.

I haven’t been advertising because of my busted up arm. I’m holding off on that kind of stuff until after the next appointment. I am so damn impatient.

Well, I’m off to see if I can find a video of town for tomorrows prompt.

See ya.