There is always another one.. in Ramblings of a stranger..

It doesn’t matter his name.
It matters what he does to me. The way he makes me feel.

Sometimes good.
Mostly confused.

More than half the time, I wonder if it is me. I asked my friend what her honest opinion was as to why I was still single. She replied that I was too picky. Am I? Ugh. I am.

When getting to know someone.. I will turn off quick for the slightest of offenses.. I don’t like their job. I feel they’re too forceful. I don’t like their friends. I don’t like their values or what they find to be important. I feel they’re too short. I mean I always come up with some reason to cut things off from someone.

Except sometimes I don’t. Especially not with him. Oh, sure.. I’ve found plenty of reasons to cut it off.. But I haven’t.

My needs and wants aren’t really ever met by him. I constantly think he’s hiding things. I know in the long run it might just spell disaster. So why for the past almost year and a half have I continued to entertain this?

I haven’t let him meet my boys. He has met my daughter, but he was around throughout my whole pregnancy and is good with her.. Plus she’s a baby, so I don’t worry about her attaching to him just to disappear.

We have sleepovers often. I love his bed. We don’t always have sex. And I’ve only started sleeping with him in the last 3 months or so. Lol I was on my celibate kick when we met.

He is a drill Sargent, and very busy. I don’t like that. I like attention. I do like it, at the same time.. I like my space.

At times I feel like he doesn’t care enough or even at all… Yet, even after seeing crazy me, he chooses to hang in there. However, still won’t give me the things I ask for or want.

Number one thing I’ve been asking for is open and honesty.. I actually broke things off with him a couple of weeks ago, if you can even call us anything to break off.

Ugh. He seems sketchy. Like am enigma. How have I wasted so much time, and I don’t even really know everything I should know?!

Why do I continue doing this? He came back around almost a week ago. Said he missed me. Said he wants to try and give me the things I want. Said he wanted to see me, and to sleep and cuddle again. Ugh then I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. Turns out he went back home to visit family for the holidays. He never talks to me much, when he is back home. I’ve expressed numerous times how that makes me feel..

He messaged me today. He misses me. He misses my baby. Blah blah. Ugh. I. Just. Don’t. Know.

I’ve told him, “Shit or get off the pot.” When it comes to us.. What are we even doing? Know what I’m not hearing? That he wants to be with me. That he sees a future with me…

Fuck relationships. They’re so hard. Ridiculously hard.