2017 Reflection in Current Events

Every time I visit my mother we end up in a debate or argument about my vegan lifestyle. Today she was extra judgmental and opinionated about a lot things and situations in my life. When did we become that “white family” that can’t get along during the holidays? She moved into the suburbs with her boyfriend and is suddenly a real housewife of suburbia. Nah bish you from the hood yo. I asked her why she and I always end up arguing about it. We used to be on the same page, all health conscious and clean eating and now here we are. On two sides of the spectrum. Apparently I always put down her lifestyle of eating meat and I never thought of it like that before so maybe this is why herbivores and omnivores aren’t getting along? So we agreed to be more conscious about how we talk about this matter so we don’t feel like we are always attacking one another. At the end of the day though I used to be like everybody else and I didn’t quit eating animals to make my life more difficult. It might be because I know something that you don’t.even.want.to.know.or.hear.or.want.to.think.or.care.about and that’s fine with me. I didn’t want to hear about it either once upon a time.
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She brought up a few other things that I have been refusing to think about. I am pretty shook right now actually. I told her that I had been giving education some serious thought for the first time in my life. I know what I want to major in and I want to sit down with a career counselor and pursue it. She brought up my living situation in response. Are you going to do that from your sisters basement? They’re aiming for another kid and they will need more space. Kids aren’t ornaments you can just put out of the way on shelves. Well split my dick and call me Caitlyn. I have so much to consider and change in 2018 and my mother brought it all to the surface where it belongs.
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After my nervous breakdown in 2015 my sisters husband offered to let me move in to get myself situated. He saw how thin I was spread trying to save everybody else in my life and he for some reason he wanted to give me this opportunity. They got pregnant a year later and me living with them was an opportunity for them as well. Everybody is winning here. Perhaps me leaving is one of those things I don’t want to let myself think about. My sister told me that she has a fear that I am planning to leave them and I don’t have a plan for that quite yet but I feel that 2018 is my year for big changes like that…
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I don’t like to share a lot of my goals with anyone. Not even my blog for some reason but for 2017 my goals were not that big. The key things I wanted was to work on was my mental and physical health. I learned my mind and I know how to stay ahead of my anxiety. I know my depression, my passenger and we have a much better relationship than we have ever had in the past. Thoughts that once hurt me do not hurt me anymore. I am learning my body and its relationship with my mind. I am doing this because of my crippling anxiety. I say crippling because if I was to line up all my fears from smallest to biggest I would be a mile behind most people on that scale. I complied of list of things I wish I were doing and 90% of it is something I could just get up and go do right now but I can’t bring myself to do so. I am anxiety’s passenger. I was listening to a podcast today and a woman being interviewed by Russel Brand was explaining how much shame we had installed in us growing up in my generation. I feel like she just said everything. I think I am ready to see a therapist to help me process some of that shame because my goal in 2017 was to get myself strong enough, brave enough to make big bold changes in my life. 2017 I wanted to be a person with good positive thinking and good positive behaviors and I have come so far in that.
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I am house sitting my other sisters house next week. I have that week off from work and I actually have some time and space to reflect and focus on my near future. I don’t want to waste that opportunity.