Roulette Wheel of Destiny in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I’ve mentioned it before, I’ll mention it again… the first e-mail address name I ever had for myself was BatVillains. I still use it occasionally for spam-potential e-mail requests (see also: Gift Buying, Petition Signing). I chose it because I could never figure out which Batman Villain I was most like. I go through the lot of them in my life. Joker, Harvey Two Face, Riddler, Mad Hatter, Mr. Freeze, Red Hood, Penguin, Clayface, Hush, Scarecrow… the list goes on. Today I am feeling very Edward Nygma, Edward Nashton, The Riddler. Particularly in my favorite Riddler Episode of Batman The Animated Series (1992-1995) called The Riddler’s Reform.

Because of that (and a number of issues) I am presently on edge. Being on edge means… all the things I don’t like about this job are amplified. For instance… I have been put in charge of a Vietnamese Asylum Case. Not asked to do a certain thing for it, literally handed the client’s contract and told “do this.” That? I don’t like that. As is almost constantly the case… Muse is out somewhere in the wilds of Iowa doing tasks for Chinese Boss and Dylan is being called to Chinese Boss for her to “instruct him” every twenty minutes. SO… White Boss and I are just… without any support staff, then? I have already billed (it is 10:00 in the morning on Wednesday as I write this)… I have already billed 16.4 hours. Considering that two weeks ago, my Minimum Expected Hours was 20.... 16.4 hours in 2.1 days isn’t bad. But, of course, I work for the Chinese. It isn’t and is never “Good job for doing better.” It is “Two weeks ago, that would have meant something. You are required to get 30 hours now. Unless you hit 30 hours, it is no good.” Great Example of That: This vietnamese case is my first time ever doing a case 100%. However, I was working on a case that hit a snag and asked Chinese BOss to look it over. IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS CASE STARTED IN 2015, I HAVE BEEN AT THE FIRM ONLY IN 2017 AND HAVE WORKED THIS CASE FOR LESS THAN A MONTH. After Chinese Boss looked into it, she had a “I’m not happy” conversation with me. Apparently, the information that was received at the beginning of this case wasn’t properly filed into our One Drive System and it was not put into a Folder. As the person working this case, I should note these things and take care of them. Except… this case had existed for at least 15 months before I touched it. I was e-mailed all of the information I needed by OUR FIRM. Are you essentially telling me that a fuck up at the beginning of this case… that had existed for a YEAR BEFORE I EVEN JOINED THE FIRM… is my responsibility because when I noticed it, I didn’t mention it? Seriously? That’s seriously what you’re saying here?

Meanwhile… lots of offices are getting Friday Off or are getting off early on Friday. I don’t want that. I honestly don’t care about that. ANOTHER THING my bosses here don’t understand. I don’t give a shit about Days Off for the concept of Days Off. I can and will work whenever is needed… unless I am otherwise engaged, committed, or need to be elsewhere. San Francisco? Back surgery? Eye Appointments? Shit, even the half-day issues where I am interviewing for a different job? NONE of those are “me being lazy” or “me trying to get out of work.” That is “I have an obligation. To family, to myself, to whomever. I am meeting that obligation as best as I can while also meeting my obligations to you and this firm.” So… yeah. Today I am really feeling “Fuck this place. I want out. Where’s my damned phone call?”

Problematic, of course. For multiple reasons.
(1) There is no guarantee that I am getting the ACA Job. I’d love it. It is The Job I Always Wanted at a location that ISN’T too small to survive. And I am qualified for the job. Infinitely more qualified to be an ACA now then when I first became an ACA, certainly! But this is a problem of IFS and MAYBES. Maybe I am the only person that interviewed that has been an ACA before… or maybe I am the only person that was only an ACA for a year. Maybe I am the only person that seemed relaxed at the interview.... and maybe relaxed was not the interaction the interviewers wanted. Maybe every interview was the perfect and ideal candidate and they are going to make final selection using a d20. Too many ifs, maybes, variables. Too many things that could happen to feel confident in predicting any outcome.

(2) There is no guarantee that I will get the phone call. Period. Not “I’ll get the call that says no”… there is no guarantee that I will get ANY phone call. I may be waiting for a phone that never rings. Granted, if it doesn’t ring by the end of 2017; I can assume safely that my candidacy has been rejected. But… I may never get a phone call.

(3) Anxiety, for me, leads inexorably to depression. Because if I am anxious about something… that means I haven’t the proper level of control to do something about it. Truly the case here. And as mature as I can be in telling myself, “If you can’t control it, don’t worry about it”… I am a little more pragmatic and intelligent than to believe something so trite. It is precisely the things that we can’t control that cause us worry because we can’t control them. And I can’t control this. And it means so much. And the more anxious I get, the longer we go without hearing anything… the closer to depression I’ll come. Because in order to counter-balance that anxiety, I will attempt to convince myself that I did not get the job. In order to bring my fearful energy down, I will convince myself that the lack of phone call is due to the ACA job being filled. And this is especially true for this weekend. If we enter into the Christmas Holiday and I have received no call? I will be entirely and thoroughly convinced that such silence is actually screaming “Rejection.”

(4) Thus… my weekend options “open” in less than pleasing ways.

IF I GET THE CALL OFFERING ME A POSITION
I will schedule an Old Fashioned on Saturday which means a haircut and a traditional shave.
I will go to the Ames Office and clean it to make it look better than it looked when I got there.
I will go to the Des Moines Office and clean it to make it more organized than my bosses’ messes.
I will begin to draft Withdrawals and Letters to Clients to explain why I won’t be working on their cases anymore.
I will call a realtor in the New City to see how soon we could schedule House Hunting.
I will celebrate the best Christmas I’ve had in decades.

ANY OTHER POSSIBLE OUTCOME
I will stock up on an obscene amount of Alcohol on Friday.
I will drink and play video games all Friday Night until I go to bed.
I will go to Church on Saturday at 5:00 p.m.
I will drink, play video games, and watch Anime on Saturday until I go to bed.
I will wake up, get showered, drive to work ON SUNDAY to check my stupid shit.
I will go to the Christmas Eve 2:00 p.m. Service.
I will go back to my parents’ house where I will hook my PS4 up to their TV and drink and play video games until I go to bed.
I will wake up on Christmas Day, open presents, drink as much of Dad’s Eggnog as I can get served, take the traditional Christmas Day Nap, and grimly prepare for another week at work.

So… that’s my answer for how you doing. Everybody else?