May: Loss relationships. music. family my sister surgery in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.
- Feb. 2, 2014, 4:16 a.m.
- |
- Public
'1st
Rachel got back to me, telling me she wasn't upset and I told her the reasonI'd asked was because something'd happened and that's all she needed to know to which she wen t 'wow' and I'm 'and by that you mean....?' an dher next message began with 'if you're trying to create drama'.
Which i'm not. not consciously, anyway.
I'm just. so confused and upset and lost.
I was asking to clarify.
I never should've asked anyway. forget it. it's............
but I want the loss/anger/hurt to be directed at someone so it has a direction to go which I currently don't right now. Ya know?
I don't have good luck w/ men and this is my second well, 'loss' this month. The losses........my dad [we haven't had a relationship since I was 12].....my exboyfriend. [back in Nov.].....my grandfather........and now this.
I hate how everything reminds me of him. Yes I liked him as more than a friend.
I hate it when my hair smells like him, which I used to love.
Last time we talked he said 'sounds like you've had a hard couple of days'. Days? try weeks.
and yeah yeah I have. and honey, you just made it worse.
I haven't replied to Rachel because, frankly, I'm humiliated. and confused. upset. not that i wasn't before.
this is why i shouldn't make friends. bc this is how it ends up.
he was the one person i hung out with. and now.........
i like being by myself it's just. going to be weird after all this time.
but loss is weird.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'My newest musical discovery. I was browsing Amazon and stumbled upon Joan Jett.
First off, in the 80's the chick was smokin.
Secondly, she's wicked. It's not even awesome anymore, that's how awesome she is. Wicked. It's like, the epitome of awesome-ness.
She got it. Her songs were about love, loss, heartbreak, personality.
Madonna, Cyndi, Joan. Where are the ladies of the '80's now, when we need them?
They didn't need men to rock. They rocked all on their own.
I love that her songs have that 'pissed off, fukoff, I don't need you' power to them. To have that much audacity. You want music to listen to when you're pissed? she gets it.
Yall wanna hear a chick that rocks? Listen to Joan Jett & The Blackhearts. Then you'll get it. Sexy confident powerful. Hell of a voice.
i love you queen of rock'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'This is the second er, 'loss', I've had this month. Actually last month since it's May today. And I feel. well. lost, to state the obvious.
So.......it's weird. Hell it was weird the first time. just........god loss is weird.
He was my best friend, the connection to all the other friends [Rachel, who up untill very recently I was still on good terms with, Mary, Taylor, Alex, Meagan, Brittany, Alex, Christie M.] we had. I've considered asking Alex if she's jealous but after last time I don't think I will.
Sure yeah ok my grandfather died and Michael.......was just being an ass. But I knew Michael whereas I didn't really know my grandfather well. Michael and I have the same music taste. I used to tell him everything......he was the person I came to with everything. He was the only one I hung out with.
We were so comfortable.
He was my best friend.
I hate how everything reminds me of him. As Joan Jett sang, I hate myself for loving you.
We weren't in love we weren't dating [good thing too] but you know........the way you love a really good friend.
He got it. no see that's the thing is he knows just how much he's hurt me by doing this and yet........wow.
And when you put that much emphasis on someone and then they. wow just wow.
I have no sense of direction anymore I really don't. no sense of who i am of what i am what i'm about of. who i once was.
and not only that, but I've lost my sense of accomplishment too. Before, whenever I ate or told him about my plans for job hunting - which frankly, I haven't been motivated to do - he was, 'that's great'.
but now?
wow. really, just. wow.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'Michael and I.
He, was the one who sent me th mssage. So, in a way 'he started it'.
No I don't mean that in the horribly immature way. I meant, that was the first event in the chain of events.
But I was the one who reacted.
He was the one who didn't phrase it differently.
Well of course I reacted! What the hell was I supposed to do.........not, react.
Since when have I ever gone by logic instead of my emotions. Well, never, frankly.
And I was the one who got hurt by the message he sent.
Ok I think you get it.
So we're both at fault'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'2nd**
........friendship. It's complex, a duality.
You become friends with someone and who they see you as and who you see you as blends. You can find yourself in that blending but also lose yourself, that sense of who you alone are.
That's one of the reasons breakups suck so much. Because you feel well. lost. You've forgotten that sense of who you alone are.
And ending friendships suck.
And as weird as this is going to sound being hurt can be a great confidence builder. Not at first, obviously. Each time we're hurt it's a chance for us to re-discover ourselves who we are. How we handle it what we're going to do moving forward, or not. whether it's our central focus. How we handle things.
And realising that wow, yes we can stand alone.
That's what women like Joan Jett, Madonna, Janis [Joplin] and Maya Angelou proved. All of them are their own person and do stand alone. Which is one of the things that makes them so great.
Realising that wow, if you've/we've come this far, then.
My phrase "I may be a damsel and I may be in distress but I sure as hell don't need a man" isnt, I'm realising as I write this, just about relationships. I mean, I'm definately happier in a relationship and I love that feeling of belonging to someone. But, as Lesley Gore pointed out, "you don't own me.....don't put me on display"......
It's also about being as independent and strong as both my mom and my sister are. And my grandmother. And my mom's good friend Karen. My mom and Karen are both married but not in the typical 1950's housewife way. First, neither of them is a housewife. They've realised, all of them, that they're their own person, as they are alone.
It's about finding that sense of self-love again, which is something I've been trying to do.
God there are so many ways you can lose yourself and so many things youcan lose - and find - yourself in, addictions included.
I dn't hate men, I've just not had much luck with them, as previosly stated. There's this duality because I'm still clearly hurt/upset/angry but I'm also powerful and strong and confident. Which for me is huge.
Women empowerment's what it's all about.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'3rd**
so, my mom's birthday's Wednesday. She'll be. um. I don't know, but apparently she's in her 50's. 5........4? 54, that is. Oh, 55. And my dad's 59. Wait, my dad's 59?? When did this happen? When did my parents get so, er. old.
Wow.
My dad's. a senior citizen, apparently.
My mom looks 46. She takes pilates, so.
No I mean I know people age - obviously - it just kinda crept up on me. My sister turned 20 back in Jan. 20! She'll be here in 2 weeks, the 17th and on that date it's 3 months untill my 23rd. Summer's next month.
dear god where does the time go?
Right out the damn window.
When you're 22 and your sister turns 20 yeah, then you start to feel old. Although my friend Athena's 26, so. God I can just imagine what I'll be thinking when I'm 27. 27! [Joplin died at 27].
But, 70% of women want to age like Audrey Hepburn. My mom, however, doesn't.
Other than being a woman, dark haired, kind and strong my mom is nothing like Hepburn. As a fact, my mom's not lovely. She's practical, utilitarian, doesn't like/want stuff/jewelry/make up. She's not all.......'diva'/theatrical, like I am.
I gave my mom marigold seeds last week for her birthday.
[And according to Taylor, Michael's cousin, 70% of men want to age like Jimmy Stewart].
I'm kindof afraid of getting older. However, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of physically close family members dying. The thing that terrifies me the most about getting old[er] is losing my memory.
So, on Wednesday we're going over to her parents to have food and cake. My dad's coming which means I won't eat. Well, maybe a small piece of fruit or something, but nothing 'big'. And by 'big' I mean an actual meal [i.e., pasta, mashed potatos and such]. I'll probably take some cake home.
Since the whole........Michael drama I haven't felt much like eating [emotionally felt like it] anything 'big', as gone over in prior entries.
But I'm going because it's my mom's birthday. Her gift to herself is having that small get-together. And, we won't be seeing my grandparents Thursday since we're going over there a day early.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'4th**
Since I mentioned it in my last entry. This is for people who don't know what happened, if you're interested. [Well why else would you be reading this?].
Um anyway.
So about a week ago out of nowhere Michael shoots me this message via FB stating he was debating whether or not to tell me this......his other friends think I'm being possessive.
Yeah......I don't think I'm all that possessive. Well, unless there's food and I'm hungry but I think that's everyone.....er, how people get.
Needy, yes. But I've actually become less needy over time.
I was angrgy/upset/hurt. Still am, actually. We were so close. And when you put that much emphasis on someone......yeah.
Well, it's not as though they, whoever 'they' are, said we couldn't hang out. We don't hang out that much to begin with and even less since.
And evidently 'they' didn't have the courage to send me a message and state that. wow. Pardon my vulgarity here but seriously yall. grow a pair.
And yall thought I was too damn polite to say something like that lol.
And I never told them they couldn't hang out with him. I wouldn't. I may be jealous/get needy but I'm not a controlling bitch.
Oh it gets worse.
So,a few days ago I shot Rachel a message asking her if she was jealous. A friend of mine, Mark basically pointed out to me that I hadn't.
She said no and 'I'm not trying to be mean but what Michael and I have is way different from what anyone has'. I told her what I told her [asked her, rather] was all she needed to know [I didn't want to cause anything between them] and that I got that.
Ok you're not trying to be mean and yet..........you go and say something like that. ok. That's like telling a girl 'well no offense but I'm prettier than you'. No not that I would say that since, again.
And maybe she really wasn't trying to be mean it just off that way. 'well no offense but.....' translates into 'so I'm probably going to offend you by this'.
Well thanks aren't you nice.
No wonder we can't remember to be nice what with people saying such things as that.!
No offense? You've already offended me, how does that help?
What does that change?
Exactly not a damn thing.
Amusing, really. [that was cynacism for those who misunderstood. and sarcasm. People sometimes don't get my sense of humor].
To which Rachel went 'wow' and I, 'and by that you mean?....', 'ok if you're trying to create drama....'.
Which I wasn't. Not consciously, anyway. And who wouldn't?
I'd just wanted to clarify. And she, clearly didnt take it that way.
wow my friends suck. they really do.
Not all of yall.
So, yeah that sucked. And we're both at fault..........er, the 3 of us, here. Are ant fault.
Backtracking: I meant, all 3 of us are at fault.
Myself, because 1; I reacted and B; I asked for clarification and Michael and Rachel because they shot me the messages.
So, because of that I've not felt like eating anything 'big', as I don't have that other person to be proud of me/tell me I'm doing great/saying 'yeah I get that'. that comfort, warmth.
Or..........'well you hurt me so why should I eat' sortof. thing.
eat/apply for a job.
I had it and it was great and I loved it then I lost it and felt lost and............
...........'wow thanks you're kindof an ass now'.
something I never thought I'd say/write/think. then again. I never thought this'd happen.
and then. it did.
I miss him. I really do.
However............and yes there's a however. Something good came out of this. A few things, actually.
I realised that. men suck.
I don't hate yall, I just don't have much luck with guys.
Which.......is why I'm on both sides, as it were. Well, one of the reasons.
I've since discovered music I like, including Bjork and Alice In Chains, which is a bit surprising.
The songs combined that have described the last week or so are Take A Bow/On My Own/A House Is Not A Home/One Less Bell/Love Is All Around/Beautiful.
From/by..........Rihanna/Les Mis/Bacharach/Joan Jett/Christina Aguilera.
[*actually, Joan Jett covered 'Love Is All Around'. It's the theme from the Mary Tyler Moore show].
I'm rediscovering women empowerment. I've been writing a helluva lot.
I'm working on switching focus.
Madonna, Joan, Maya. they didn't need men to rock because they rocked all on their own.
I love my girls.
Y'know?
I got my girls my music my writing. I'm rediscovering those parts of who I am.
[On a side note. The '80's were a great time for women. The fashion was a bit weird and still is today. Lady Gaga's a fasion genuis. I'm not a fan of her music but she is.........incredible. wow.
'80's movies are either weird or great. Rocky Horror; weird. Breakfast Club; great]. ' **____________________________________________________________________________
'So, it occured to me just now that I haven't FB-ed Rachel and explained to her that I'd misunerstood and just wanted clarification.
I want to.
But, in all honesty, she's pretty pissed as is, so. I might just get shot down again. Yeah not something I need.
I want us to get to the point where we can be at least civil to each other.
God did I fuk things up.
I have good intentions.
And as for Michael.......I don't know if I'll message him and say how much he hurt me without sounding all bitchy. Again, don't need that.
And if neither of them are open to it then, ya know. it won't happen.
Um.
And, I know how I am with apologies. they don't change what happened. You can't undo/say something. All an apology means, really, is that what you did/say wasn't right. That's it.
And, I guess I can't expect things to go smoothly between Michael and I when, were he to do the opposite - apologise - I'd still be hurt. He can't just 'waltz' back into my life and expect everything to be fine. no.
It's also bringing up the fact that the other person was hurt. I.e., 'sorry I said/did this'. when the other person hadn't been thinking about that untill you brought it up. 'oh, well, thanks for reminding me you fuked me over by apologising'.
or maybe I'm just not ready to accept this yet'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'That is the perfect phrase to describe how things have been.
It was also one of the songs in tonight's Glee episode, which confused me.
Love that song.
So, I'm not open. My heart's not open.........well. men suck, as gone over in prior entries.
I'm not open to dating.......to getting a job.
it's amazing what this does to your self-esteem, being fuked over.
no I'm sorry Madonna I will not be opening my heart anytime soon. [joke, song reference]. '
**____________________________________________________________________________
'So apparently, I won't be getting the EBT money any time soon. Other than not having enough workers at the office, I don't know why else. According to my mom we'll have to start all over again in a month or so. And I guess my court date's been pushed back [meaning? Does this mean ahead of schedule?] to Sept..........but........I thought I didn't have to go to court since I already got SSI? Maybe it's for the EBT thing?....I don't know.
And by 'start all over' I'm assuming this means that I'll need to get a new password and such.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'5th**
So this morning my parents and I went to a cupcake place near Cherry Creek. The wallpaper inside was pink and they had giant pink....things hanging from the ceiling. I think they were supposed to beart.
It was a bit unreal like stepping into a dream. God I can just imagine going there on acid. The cupcakes might try to eat you lol. [people who've been highI think you get that].
I told the guy it was like stepping into a dream and that they should play '50's pop, like Frankie Valli and....other. Which would make it all the more weird. It just works. It was very bubblegum '50's.
That'd be cool if they used the dream line as their slogan.
When we left I felt odd.
We got....a Hostess cupcake for my grandfather, a heath one for my grandmother, chocolate for me, another chocolate and a torquoise-frosted one.
Then we went to a Greek place on Monaco. We parked by a Russian bookstore and a bird store. My dad apparently though the 2 stores were the same as when we got back in the car he made a remark to that effect.
We were getting the food for my grandparents and us.
In the car my mom and I were discussing Glee and she said Mr. Schue is a good dancer.....for a white guy. I just smiled thinking what a great dancer I am.
"It's so sad teaching white children how to dance. They have no rhythm" - my high school drama teacher. She's from New York, so.
So........evidently white people can't sance. That's incorrect.
Sorry I'm in a bit of a weird mood as I've not gotten much sleep.
Well a lot of people can dance they just. shouldn't as they're quite bad at it. This is a bit of my mom's sense of humour. [sp?].
So, when we get to my grandmother's room my mom tells her it's her birthday to whichmy grandmothersays 'it's mine too". aww ok why not? cool. Actually her birthday's not untill July 4.
I had a bite of this weird cheese pastry...thing. I didnt like it.
My grandmothe repeated her story about the matches her 3rd grade class used to have against the 7th grade class, in math, several times. After about an hour my mom and I had had enouogh so we left.
Oh, she also recalled when she was in the hospital with the mumps and the nurse told her to just taste the orange juice she won't taste the medicine. My grandmother said "don't lie to a child like that!". She was very adament about that. She's usually so. um. not, I guess.
I reminded my mom that it tasted like guava juice. [When she had guava juice she thought it tasted like medicine. It's.......one of those things.].
The cupcake was amazing. It was rich.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'I had one of the more interesting bus rides of my life on the way home. I'm not sure whether to be flattered or saddened. Um. Possibly both.
Ya juat never know.
So, I get on all smile-y. [The cashier at Target was quite good-looking. He had a tattoo, we touched on the subject of art, so. Yes apparently I can talk to random people]. I sat next to this big guy.
Now, for me those types either look huggable or intimidating. Also, David [the "friend" of my ex boyfriend, the one who assaulted me] was big, so.
The bus guy and the guy across from us started discussing SSI. The guy said he wanted to be an art teacher to teach people how to draw who didn't think they couldn't, because he couldn't. To which I said 'wow'. He told the other guy that it was relaxing, better than heroin, then told me he was kidding.
I hate when people do that and I can't tell. Embarassed, I didn't say much after that.
There was something off about both of them. The guy across seemed mentally off. He got off the bus.
The guy told me he wished he could be as happy as me. He smiles and it scares people because he's big. I said 'people can be so judgemental. I get that'.
So.........I'm flattered but also saddened. I've been where he is, lost and still am sometimes. I mean I'm happi-er. the operative er, letters being 'er'.
I didn't entirely trust him but I wasn't going to come right out and tell him that. I mean I'm not a bitch. just shy.
First impressions can often be very misleading.
I wish him the best.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'6th**
It's not like Michael said we couldn't be friends; no, he just said his other friends thought I was being possesive.
Yes I'm needy and always have been but believe me when I say I've gotten a lot better over time.
Again, I didn't tell him not to hang out w/ certain people.
And what other friends? I would very much like to know. Had he gone, 'well Rachel, Meagan and Christie' [girl that works at the hookah bar]........then. yeah.
'other friends'. Well that's vague.
um. i think there was more to this...... '
**____________________________________________________________________________
'8th**
The next few days'll be busy.
Today:
My mom and are going to the bookstore [the very one I worked at the summer I turned 18. haven't been back since. It'd feel weird] where her choir's having some sort of promotional. thing. I'm not really sure what goes on. But it's from 1 - 2.
Tomorrow:
I'll be at the Cinco De Mayo celebration downtown. This is the first year I'll be there.
Tuesday:
At 1, my mom and I have an appt. with the SSI woman.
Thursday:
We're going to my grandparents, as usual.
Well for me this is busy since I usually don't do much.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'so on Saturday my mom tells me that she talked to my dad's mom [and her husband John] about the whole my. not eating in front of them. thing. "which i don't think they get", she says.
No see, I don't have much of a problem eating around them. It's my dad I have a problem eating around. [whereas, it used to be everyone].
Oh, the reason my mom brought this up was because we were going to visit them yesterday, which didn't happen. when my mom phoned my grandmother Saturday, my grandmother told her she wasn't feeling well, [therefore cancelling]. Which actually sortof worked out.
I don't mean that I want anyone feeling unwell, as I don't: I mean, I'm glad I didn't have to eat around my dad.
And by 'we' my mom meant her, my dad, them and myself.
See if my dad wasn't going to go -before it got cancelled - yeah I'd go and eat w/ them. But it's sortof a package deal. I mean, since his mom's my grandmother..........and all.
However, I didn't tell my mom this. I'm not sure if I should feel........glad/touched she thought of me or very self-conscious. I'm going more w/ the latter.
It's the same as when you mention something to a friend that makes them self-conscious and then that's all they think about.
There are 2 ways that could go, ignorance. It can be frustrating or a relief. As in, 'ok well everyone else is mentioning this and this person hasn't, which is nice'.
Could be, eating disorders weren't evident when my grandparents were growing up, so they knew nothing about them. I'm sure they were.......er. I mean, I'm sure women had them.
But even now they're misunderstood. So.
Oh so I'm trying to eat more fruit. Well. Watermelon and canteloup [sp?] which I hadn't had in a few years then had a sample, discovering I like it. I haven't eaten fruit in awhile.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'so yesterday evening my sister shoots me an email stating 'I know it would mean the world to Mom if you called her or even sent her an email....'
After which, I shot my mom a 'Happy Mother's Day!' email.
It's not that I don't care: it's that, if I don't write something down I'll forget. and if I don't look at what I've written, I'll. again, forget.
I didn't need a reminder that she and Mom are close. yeah ok I get it.
Had I sent the email it would've read 'so, for Mother's Day you could call or email Mom'.
I know it's er. doesn't have any emotion attached but that's kinda the point. That way, the other person doesn't feel left out.
Although........it could also be taken as 'well sounds like they don't care'.
I try not to make other people feel left out.
I do like that Kate gave me options. Call or email.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'....meant.
you know who you are.
Last time we hung out, we were in my room. I said, "I don't know how to describe it," to which you said, "that's ok".
I meant..........don't touch that. Don't touch my stuff. feels like an invasion.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'11th**
So, later today I have an SSI appointment that my dad's apparently coming to. My mom'll also be there. We're meeting w/ a woman, and going over finances. I'm hoping she'll be the lady we regularly see and that I'llget more info on this EBT thing.
A friend of mine's applying for EBT, even though she doesn't qualify, which is weird. I only thought you could get it if you qualified. I know about this via Twitter. Love Twitter.
We've been friends for years [she's down in FL, actually] and every once in awhile we'll IM/email.
I don't ever bring the SSI/EBT thing, other than writing about it here. I've never known anyone who had to apply for it....[except for Lindsey, maybe. could be wrong here]. My mom has/had a client whose daughter's on it - she has CP - and has been on it for the past 20 years. The daughter's in her 40's. [it's weird thinking that your parent is someone's, er. child].
I'm nervous.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'16th**
As I've mentioned I'm a multitasker. It's not that I'm not paying attention, it's that I'm often thinking of 2,3 different things at once. This is probably why I mis-spell things. It's actually a bit difficult for me to focus on one topic, I've recently discover. And yet I can write an entry about one topic. With any kind of writing, you have to do it step-by-step, put one letter in front of the other. And, that's how my mind works.
You would think, that because of this, in a job related situation, I'd be able to multi task. But actually no. I'm a quick learner but also need more clarification than most.
The other day my mom was wondering where she'd parked. I hadn't been paying attention.
Right now, for instance, I'm typing this and listening to music.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'19th**
On the Today Show this morning there was a woman who'd been brutally assaulted anr near murdered. She was 8. She survived.
The guy who murdered her slit her throat. So literally, he took away her voice. Sh espoke about it, stating now it's hard to get her to shut up. Well I'm the same way once you get to know me. I've always been, my sister can attest to that.
It's been almost 6 years. I'm to the point now where it's ok, to talk about it. To say the words. As it is my eating disorder. If I bring either up using those words that means I want you to not hide from them. I want the person to be able to state exactly what it is. Don't hide from it. I don't.
But, the people who assault us really do take away our voice/s. I didn't really acknowledge that physical part of me. Unless you're pregnant or at the doctor's you usually don't. I think it's important for the women who were assaulted to do just that. Precisely because we were assaulted and it means just that much more.
In the bookstore the other day I started reading The Vagina Monologiues. It was very funny. I also think Eve Ensler raises a great point. It needs to be acknowledged.
For the longest time I wouldn't talk about t he assault. It just wasn't it didn't exist. My, um, nether regions didn't exist except functionally.
That could be another reason I write [fiction], for awareness.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'20th**
........much.
So, the other day while at my place my dad asked if I had a pen. Yes. What he really wants to know is where one is.
Again, if you're at my place and you want a pen, a plate, a fork, etc I have absolutely no problem with you rifling through my cabinets and drawers looking for one. Not that I ever visit other people my age but when I do and I need to know where something is I'll ask directly. Or I don't know the meaning of a word.
Actually this happened Tuesday. Earlier my sister had used the word 'challenge'. I told her 'you use the word 'challenge'....I don't know what it means. What does it mean?'. It's short and to the point, no sugar coating.
Sometimes I feel like people are too polite and that it's too.......light. Like tea. As opposed to, idinno. hot chocolate.
Being polite isn't as direct.
I know people think rifling through my cabinets and whatnot is being invasive [and I also know I'm a bit hard to read] but it's actually not. it won't bother me.
Also, if it's a common area, like the kitchen/living room/bathroom that's fine. If it's my room then no.
And, according to my sister, it's weird that I don't have a problem with that since I'm so particular about everything else. My faucet always has to be to the left. The cups go on their sides in the sink. You don't put anything on my coffee table which was my grandmother's. [For that very reason because, it was hers]. The oven mitts always go on top of the microwave.
Ok I think you get it.
I like things a certain way and if something's put somewhere else then I have trouble finding it. It just makes life easier.
I think about language a lot, almost daily, actually. The way it's used, the directness of it. I try to be as direct as possible although I don't always use the word I've meant to. I.e., 'it's weird that I'm dating a guy' [which, I'm not] but the word I meant was 'surprising].
Although, with that being said, if a guy's interested in me and he hits on me well. frankly you don't have a snowball's chance in hell. If you're nice/polite, and say 'hi' or open the door for me [unless you're my dad but that's another entry] or possiby both, then I'll at least either smile or say 'hi' back or be polite.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'23rd**
So, Friday afternoon into Saturday morning I stayed at the surgery center with my sister who, goes without saying, had surgery that morning. It was kindof boring.
She had a deviated septum and something done to her chin; I think they [she had 2 surgeons] moved it, not sure why.
So, I'd brought food with me [2 kiwis, cantaloupe, cookies & Indian]. I ate the cantaloupe and some of the cookies.
Here's the thing; I assumed that I'd actually be able to get up and microwave the Indian food myself. Well apparently, in the recovery lounge [that makes it sound a lot more relaxing than just a recovery 'room'] no one could. I think the microwave was behind the nurse's desk and I didn't know if we were allowed to go back there.
And I guess that's kindof the point after you have surgery, is, depending on the surgery you have you really can't do a whole lot, so it's expected the nurses are going to wait on you.
But I'm really uncomfortable being waited on, as I found out that night. It's the same as if you're at my place and you need a pen, plate, cup, etc. Don't expect me to get it for you because frankly, I won't. I'm a big believer in people feeling independent and self-sufficient, and I feel like if I do something for someone then they won't feel that way. Also, this is the way my mom is; if I don't know how to do something she'll show me and then have me do it.
However, if you're in my room and curiouus about a DVD case, book, whatever then ask to see it precisely because it's my room.
And I guess they're trying to make it equal for their patients.
It was weird. If I'm at a restuaraunt [one of the few words I can't spell, along with 'excercise'. I spell it the way I say it] it's expected I'll be waited on. I know this ahead of time.
Also, regarding the Indian food:
1: I recycle. I don't know if the center recycles.
and
2: I don't eat the tofu which is an ingredient in the Indian food. I don't like tofu.
And I didn't know what the nurses would think if I didn't eat all of it. Like, 'so, she's just going to waste this....?'. It's a possibility.
On Saturday morning one of the nurses told me I needed to eat. Well. no kidding. yes I need to eat we all need to eat. that's very helpful. she told me she didn't want me passing out.
too late. I mean, that's already happened over the past few years. It's just one of things that happens to people. We all get headaches we all like sunny days, most people like dogs.
[And, I mean, considering it says right on the label that it is a 'healthy choice', you really can't go wrong there].
I'd kindof forgotten to eat, actually. I think it's because food wasn't readily available, the way it is in my kitchen.
I've started stocking up on food. I have more mac & cheese, Indian, the pasta, boxed pasta. Yeah I don't eat vegetables a lot if you can't tell.
The minute you tell me to do/not to do something is the minute I either do the exact opposite or prove you wrong, and sometimes they're the same thing. Unless, you know, I actually can't in which case you'd be right. can't drive and I know that. So if you tell me this then yeah you're absolutely right.
And I usuallly won't, depending on the situation. Unless I absolutely agree with the reasoning. Like, 'put on your seatbelt', or 'look both ways' [something I still do, actually].
I really don't see how telling someone what to do when it comes to recovery is helping. Or, what not to do. And in fact, if you tell me to eat then I probably won't because you[/someone else] told me too and recovery has to come from the addict themself.
So.
The nurses were sweet. Almost too sweet. I mean I'm sweet [actually very sweet] but I also recognize that people are independent, self sufficient beings. Again, I realise it was a surgery center.
I remember, down in FL, we were at a dance. My friend Eileen had gone outside and I wanted to see if she was ok. I told one of the staff members that I was going outside [oh, it was dark at the time] and I think she wanted to go with me. No. why are you being so protective?
I think I know myself a little better than she did. If something happens she probably woouldnt've been the first person I'd go to. I cut quite a few times down in FL, there were times I didn't go anywhere due to depression, and I certainly didn't tell her about those incidents.
I'm just not a very open person. About anything, really.
I also trust people enough to be careful with things like that. I might not agree with your actions but I'm sure as hell not going to tell you not to do something. Then you'll probably do it more.
If you decide to cut, get drunk, whatever then fine, that's your peragotive. It's your mistake to make. But for the love of God don't cut so deep that you end up hospitalised [unless that's your intention] and don't ever drive drunk.
And there comes a point when there's only so much I can do. I mean, I can sit there and email you for hours or stay on the phone but I can't actually physically stop you.
It's not that my mom doesn't care; she's just not as protective.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'24th**
This is what one of the nurses asked me Saturday morning. Yeah I'm actually a fairly quiet person. My sister didn't believe I was shy, when I told her that Thursday. Well that's only because she knows me and, once you get to know me, as said.
It was weird that the nurse pointed this out. If her 'children' [they're around Kate's and my age; i was actually really glad that she knew how old we were, as most assume I'm younger. i don't tell them they look old, as that's a bit rude. I swear, the next person who remarks on this/my size.......] were as mild mannered as Kate and I...........by which she was eluding to the fact that she wouldn't have any problems.
I guess I never thought of myself as mild manenred.
As Cesar Milan pointed out on Dog Whisperer [which we watched Friday, along w/ 4 Weddings, Say Yes To The Dress and King Of Queens] you have to appreciate silence before you can appreciate excitement . or something along those lines.
I'm not oneof those people who likes noise. I'll usually have the tv on but that's really it. I'm not drawn to noise. Although, interestingly enough, I am to music.
I think I'm quiet because of my depression. It's calming, in a weird way. And my anxiety is like lightning; fast and quick and high energy. So I'm wondering.......were I to take pills [which I wouldn't. I don't believe people should take pills for such things. I feel like it's just a quick fix. And yes I've tried therapy, but it doesn't work for me. Theys ay everyone's favorite subject is themselves. Well not for me not for that long. Anyway] for anxiety would that increase my depression? And the other way round, too. Were I to take pills for depression would that incresemy anxiety?
Depression and anxiety both suck but they also balance each other out, as I realised the other day.
I'm also not all that active. Or, I can enjoy myself as much walking around downton/at a movie/bookstore/reading as I can going clubbing, dancing.
Not that I do either of the latter much.
If you're quiet then I'll think you have depression, even if you don't. That's why I'm drawn to quiet people. My sister's not because she 'thinks there's something wrong with them'. Well, exactly.
If you're loud and outgoing than you probably aren't depressed. [And yes I know Jim Carrey has/had it]. I associate depression with quiet.
I also don't feel people who, for instance, went through a period of depression in college aren't really depressed. I'm not saying their feelings aren't valid; but I have chronic depression that's what I associate being depressed with. And yes I'm aware that their are different types ofdepression, such as bipolar, manic and.......so on.
Also, if you're quiet then that means you're artistic/sensitive. I love those types. I also love art. Van Gogh, for instance, had depression. He's also an artist.
Ok so this entry as well as the prior one have gone on longer than intended.
So, while I'm on the subject of people..........it's like I'll do anything not to interact with them. I don't like it when someone across the street's walking the same speed as I. I'll step to the side to let people pass. Like, I assume that were they to pass me they'd say 'hi' and then I'd have to say something........
Or, when I'm about to take a photo and someone's walking toward me, I won't take the photo because I assume they'll say something.
I generally don't look directly at people. Like, if a car pulls up as I'm about to cross the street I'll let it pass.
All this because I have issues w/ personal space. If you're directly in front of me or I pass you on the sidewalk it'll make me anxious, so in order to prevent that, I don't.
Like with my OCD. I've never.........not done these things. I've never not bought groceries in even numbers, made my pasta the same legnth, had issues w/ personal space. That's why it takes me so damn long to get anywhere. Well not that long but longer than most.
I was going to buy sidewalk chalk the other day, but then realised that'd mean being outside where there are other people and that, as explained, means.......ya. Or I could just buy it and have it to make sidewalk chalk art on paper.
See? People really do unnerve me.
I don't make eye contact. I'm not sure why. Which is interesting as I love my eyes; they're so pretty. So you'd think with something that pretty you'd want people to see them.
But it's not so much my eyes themselves; it's what they hold. They express so much.
So............hm..........
maybe all of this, the above - my issues w/ personal space, not making eye contact - is simply because I'm not a very open person and I don't want to become more open which makes me uncomfortable and that, I clearly don't want.
Oh, so one more thing.
I'm not a phone person. I have trouble articulating myself when on the phone. So I actually prefer it when you don't have to 'talk to an actual person', as my mom would say. I like the 'press 1 for....' this option the computer lady gives you.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'omygod.
So, first;
I tried some Bird's Eye microwavable peas & mushrooms. [Well only a bite or so]. Then this Healthy Choice vegetables w/ rice. didn't like either. then frozen lasagna [again, only a small amount]. turns out I don't like lasagna it's too......weird. It's the same reason I don't like pot pies. The top of them is just. ug. ew. it makes me shudder. I also don't like stuffed pastas.
So then I had microwavable pasta, which I actually liked. However I put too much cheese on it. But I'd had it before so it was 'safe'.
yeah I know this entry's kinda boring'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'25th**
So, things have been. crazy. I feel like I've been ignoring a few of you [you know who you are] [which ok, I have but not intentionally] but I really haven't felt much like talking/emailing. [and by telling you this I'm enitrely defeating the purpose]. And yet my entries go on a bit. [as will this one].
Things aren't as crazy this week, but I've been grocery shopping. A lot. And I'm wondering if that's not such a good thing, like if that's some sort of cover for. whatever. I'm not sure what that would be....my fridge, for the most part, feels full. right. as does my freezer. Like this is how it's supposed to be. which, again, it is. I meant spiritually.
Or maybe I'm so used to being busy that I don't know how not to.
Last Tues. Kate came into town. She had her surgery Friday morning I stayed with her at the surgery center into Saturday morning. So.
And then the week prior .............um.......there was that SSI appt. And then Sat. Mom's choir fundraiser at the bookstore.
The end of next week we [the family and I] are going to the city, by which I mean New York. [The city. well that's a bit arrogant. and vague. as though that's the only city there is. It's like referring to the ladies of the theater as Idina, Lea, Patti and.........others. Bernadette. Barbra. Elaine. Liza]. What a weird time to have a trip, at the end of a week and come back the beginning of the next.
My mom's also been busy w/ Kate's recovery and this whole. SSI thing.
The last movie I saw was Backup Plan. It was cute, funny, sweet, had its moments. Good but not great. My mom wants to see Just Wright with me. I don't really want to, but she's my mom so. And I really like Queen Latifah. I could end up liking it.
Hm....got my period. I ate today yay. Pasta [grains], fruit [apples w/ peanut butter] and carrots [vegetables]. I've also been taking a multivitamin daily. Chewable, orange.
I put 6 cents in the Chipotle tip box today. I felt bad they didn't have any tips, and I usually put tips in. I know, it's not a lot.
I've also been reading a lot. Molly [Nancy Jones], Moth Diaries [Rachel Klein], Carrie Diaries [Candace Bushnell], Second Chance [Jane Green], all very good.
I've discovered that I like the show Let's Make A Deal, a lot. It's like Halloween every day.
seems, as soon as I become a little less busy I'm suddenly busy again. and I'm the least busy person I know.' **____________________________________________________________________________
'26th**
lack of apostrophes, reallu?
it makes you seem younger than you are.
frankly.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'wow way to make someone uncomfortable.
So on CO & Company [a local news show thatruns from 10 - 11 a.m. week days] the host told a thin woman dressed in flapper garb [it was for an upcoming event] to do her a favor and eat a Snickers eat something fattening.
Yes the woman was thin, very thin - and tall very - but watching that just. made me really uncomfortable.
My grandfather will make remarks to me about overweight people. He did this at the graduation Kate spoke at last Thurs. Well, actually. He just remarked that there were a lot of overweight people there. I agreed that there were some there. Still, it made me uncomfortable. [And, me being me, I'm obviously not going to mention it].
I don't tell the 'bigger' [as some people who weigh more than me aren't neccessarily overweight, they just weigh more. Kate, for instance. She's what we'd refer to as 'built'. Which is why it was so funny one of the nurses said Kate was 'tiny'.They were discussing the fact that hospital gown aren't one size fits all. Though, the nurse weighed more than the both of us] - people I see in the stores to go eat a salad. I mean, that's kindof rude. And I try not to make people uncomfortable.
Actually that's why I'm the size I am, partially. because the more one weighs the more space they take up and, as said.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'27th**
Not intended to be a poem.
it was beautiful and alive and clear and. perfect just so perfect. the moon was out. god she was so.
damn.
beautiful.
in my eyes a big red hibiscus blossom its center phallic and yellow sticking out. it was there and open and unfurled. it was red and passionate and. punch. that word in your mouth. big and um.hm. luscious.
the night called to me so i joined it.
last night felt like sex
it was so aware and present and there. each passing minute was in the momentary like a box inside a box or something moving in something still.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'28th**
A friend of mine. One who has a diary here.
I don't mean, in that she's done something to betray me.
I mean........I'll type things such as 'well knowing me I probably won't' in my entries because I guess I don't trust her not to read those entries and think 'well you know you could....'.
Well I don't. I'm always thinking ahead, which is why I put those things in.
I guess. I owe her an apology.
And probably an explanation, you know the whole 'I feel _ when you say/do _ because __' thing I learned in middle school.
yeah........should probably email her that'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'time for another update.
[which is sort of obvious because aren't all my entries updates?]
So, my dad dropped by this morning. After I told Mom about my phone battery she told me I had to let Dad look at it when he came by. Really, I 'have' to?
Yesterday afternoon he phones me when I'm at the store's self checkout. I tell him I'm not at my place to which he says "I can't hardly hear you and I'll be therein 5 minutes". yeah that's correct grammar.
I don't like talking on my phone in public. It might have something to do with the fact that I'm not an open person.
So when I get outside I phone him again and tell him I got my phone temporarily fixed and that tomorrow [being, now, today] works better for me if he has time.
backtrack: Oh, yesterday morning while I was waiting for my mom to pick me up from her parents she phoned me. When I get downstairs into the lobby she tells me I didn't answer my phone. I said the battery keeps falling out to which she tells me I have to let Dad in. [to my place, that is].
At the store I ask a cute clerk to help me w/ my phone, which he fixed with tape. [because if I need something fixed I'm not going to ask my dad, depending].
He - Dad - also tells me he'll be by in the morning later tomorrow [again, being today]. Well that's specific. It could be any time between 9 and 11 a.m.
Um.............
Oh. So before Dad comes over this morning he phones me and asks "shall I come over?". Who the fuk talks like that? What is this the 18th century?
As detailed in a prior entry, politness is a bit much. He could just tell me he's going to.
After Dad looks at my phone he fixes my sliding door. [as it so happened it was locked which is why I couldn't get out. Not that I'm ever out on my balcony but I'd like the option].
And........
TW/Slight TMI
he picks up this small metal. thing. that's on the floor. [my pants have that metal slide. thing. on the waistband. to close them. I have no idea what they're called. but you slide the one part into the other to close it]. and brings it over to me, which is triggering enough. [since he's in my proximity]. He tells me how to fix it and then tells me he could fix it.
right.......ok...........even if I'm wearing different pants I sure as hell don't want him fixing my pants. I mean, that's like. wow no. Pants.....hands.....sexual assault.........ya. [by which I mean one thing leads to the other].
Although now I know how to fix the metal. thingy.
clasp, maybe? is that the word?
TW/TMI end
I tell him to put it on the table. he could've just left it on the floor, which. wouldn't've required, for lack of a better term, him to come over to me and trigger me.
although, that being said, I was wondering where the clasp had gone.
.........he proceeds to sit at the other end of the sofa from me and tells me about reffing [he's a soccer ref]. Which was actually interesting but that's not why he was over. He was ovet to take a look at my phone and that's it. At which point I thought about that joke about 2 guys sitting on the couch and not talking [er. it's not so much a joke as an. expression. Lindsey told it to me] and how do you politely tell someone they need to leave? [not that I would've told my dad that. it's just good to know].
My dad casually says "so you're not going to offer me a beer?" "I don't drink" - not beer, anyway. and not much. not around my parents. and. if you want something at my place get it yourself, also. as detailed in prior entries - to which he says "it's too early anyway". [yes as a friend-turned-acquitance pointed out to me, you know you have problems when you start drinking before the afternoon] and "shall I go?"
again, who talks like that?
justtell me you're going to leave and then. leave.
which he does.
The other day while Mom and I are out Dad stopped by my place to do. something though I forget what. He tells me he has a butterfly picture for me. of, course he does, thinks he can buy me love.
well he can't it won't work.
Oh, so last week I told Kate they now have smoothie kits. she points out I have a blender.
yes, which........i won't use as my dad gave it to me which. i don't tell her.'
**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
'30th**
ok how crazy is this?
I'm on MySpace viewing pages of those I used to be friends with, thinking about them and watching the end of 'Boston Legal' when that song comes on the show. wow whoa.
Yall ever do that, look up people from your past on MySpace, Facebook, other?
sometimes.....I still wish I kept in contact. with.
This one girl I was friends w/ in middle school. Sweet, tough as nails chick. dark past, angry. but......i miss her.
i screwed that friendship up. i didn't know who I was then.......not that anyone did. Those years are hard. I remember, I mentioned to my middle school advisory group about period pains. The people in the group didn't help, not really. They didn't even know what I mentioned were period pains.
I hated who I was then. so i don't go into detail.
I'm still friends with one girl. we were both outcasts. She's great, one of the coolest people I know.
Or another girl I emailed/phoned daily when I was in high school, the summer I turned 18. Oh yes, I screwed that up too. emailing her telling her she took me for granted. worst mistake of my life.
now she wants nothing to do with me.
we were so close......just like Michael and I were.
I had this whole community of people I could IM/email/phone whenever.
Then I met Lindsey. we're still friends but........things change ya know?
I guess. I'm nostalgic. I long for the wholesome tv shows of the '90's and feel like a dork watching them. and admitting that. One of my favorite books -ever! - is Where The Wild Things Are. I have it. One day while at the bookstore I sat down and read that and 12 Dancing Princesses.
it was wonderful.
ya so I'm a bit of a dork. I love warm foods and hugs. I'm as sensitive as any little girl. I love soft things.
That summer, when I turned 18. a good summer. So hot. I'd go to my job at the bookstore in the morning, work for 3, 4 hours. come outside, eat a NutriGrain bar for "lunch". get on the bus, come home [my parents' place], sleep in the afternoon. watch primetime tv at night, in the living room. I'd eat pasta and carrots and ranch and make milkshake after milkshake after. milkshake. call/email my then best friend.
and wake up again and do it all the next day. it was great. I typed a lot, those nights. on my computer.
the food was the only thing that killed the pain
it was so great. i miss that world that part of me.
i had another world my ballet world. and my rehearsal
i had another world my ballet world. and my rehearsal world, in high school.
maturing's weird.
i know i can always recreate that world, kindof. but the facts have changed.
I'm thinking of doing that again, just writing. buying a notebook and just. writing. about everything and anything. whatever.
but, I don't think we should lose those parts of ourselves. Like with plants, if you don't touch them. they die. their spirits die. they need love and attention just like we do. Michael taught me that. Which I hate admitting......just like I hate admitting the scent of cologne kills me because he always smelled like cologne.
i'm a very clingy person, actually. i've gotten better.
i put this out there and i wonder if i should delete it.' **____________________________________________________________________________
'So, I think I'm stuck in high shool. Emotionally I mean. er......viamy writing. I live vicarirously through my characters. idinno.
it feels really weird admitting it
I never really had a college experience. I didn't learn about beer pong untill just recently. Y'know, I didn't have friends. Like, I knew people don in FL. Acquaintances.
In college, unlike high shcool, it's kindof hard to make friends as everyone has classes at different times. Interestingly enough the college campus of BCC was the one place everyone walked.
Y'know, I didn't spend endless hours in the library, studying. we didn't have study groups. I didn't live in a dorm. I didn't drink. Well, not a lot and certainly not with others. I had 2 good friends, Athena and Alex, who was....odd. I don't write about him much. We were close in the way Michael and I were. Everyone thought we were dating.
we weren't.
But Alex, unlike Michael, lured me into a wordl I never want to be a part of again. Basically.
I didn't do whatever else you do while you're in college. So maybe that's why I don't write about it much because I don't have much to go on.
Whereas with high school......it's all there. 17 was a very significant year for me. oh yeah there's that world.
and sadly, much as I write about these people, they're not. you know. here. If I go to the store I know for damn sure I won't bump into one of my characters.
but damnit......i kindof want to. ok that feels really weird.
and if I write that they're at the store then they're stuck there untill I write something else. It's the same with reading. Untill I pick the book back up the people are stuck in whatever they were doing.
Y'know......sometimes I think, maybe if I hadn't moved, then a certain show woudn't be on tv. or we wouldn't've gone to Angelo's up on 6th for Kate's most recent celebration.
it's like.......other things only happen because a person moved or went to the store or whatever.
or maybe it's because I already know my characters. they react exactly the way I actually want people to react. they're me. and when I get lonely I can write or read and suddenly there are people there.
untill I don't. like, untill I have [not 'have to' um....] eat or go to the store or something.
it's actually kinda sad.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'31st**
in the words of Gypsy from. Gypsy.
I feel ignored. and, the fact that about 2 months ago I 'lost' [what a weird phrase] my grandfather.....2 of my friends. eh.
Ever since Kate's been here we haven't had much time to hang out, except for in the hospital. And since she's here I can't get high [she'd know right away], can't cut and, not that, as said, I drink much but can't drink.
I love her and I hate feeling this way towards her. god she's so amazing.
so beautiful and sweet.
sure yeah we'll have time to hang out in New York. 4 days.
I know it sounds like I'm complaining and yes ok I kindof am.
I have recovery writing to do and much asI keep saying it it never happens. Idinno part of it is that that's something I planned to do when I hung out with Michael who, apparently, has decided to fuk me over.
I wrote him, in my MySpace. telling him how I feel and that I won't contact him.
Yes I still have his number.
I won't call him. won't FB him.
it just felt right, writing when we hung out. which i didn't do much.
But hell. I wrote last summer, a lot. and that was before I knew him.
I'm debating if I should FB him and talk to him, therefore breaking my promise - the reason I never make them in the first place - or. not. I want him to apologise. I have publically, viaFB.
The song 'On My Own' is my interpretation of how I think my grandmother feels about the loss of her first husband. I don't talk about things and yet. singing's how.......um. I 'talk', in a way.
I keep meaning to phone her. she's such a sweet woman.
About a week before my grandfather died we were [my grandmother and I] were planning to see 'Hamlet'. I'd never seen it but I love Shakespeare. it's so rich and beautiful.
but then he died. and so we didn't.
the last play I saw was Mary Poppins, with my mom. I really liked that; I loved the stars near the end. I've always lovedstars.
so, I guess.......physical manifestation is everything right now. what they can't see. what I'm not saying.
Dancers say everything with their bodies, even. as I just now realised. when we're not dancing.
that's why I'm so amazing at it.
do I blame my grandfather? should I? for coming along and dying and making everything unfair?
wow that sounds awful. guess I'm still searching for answers.
sending horrible thoughts into the universe makes it bad for someone.
another oneof those long entries........
I don't complain. Oh no I never complain.
it's so damn unfair. just like it'salways been.
I've had to put everything on hold. So, really. When is it my turn?
maybe that's not for other people to decide. Maybe that's mine.
again, over and over. you have to be pretty thin to be able to slip through the cracks. and that's exatly.
exactly.
what I'm doing.
I'm manifesting everything physically, in a relapse. first it was due to my period. now, it's partially beause I'm going to New York and I don'twant to get fruit/yogurt and jus tleave it there. cuz, you know. ewww.
and so I'm wondering if, when I get back, that'll.erm. stop.
or maybe this is my way of telling me to slow down. relapses do that you know.
or maybe I'm damn tired of grocery shopping.
idinno.
either I'm too inwardly focused or too outwardly.
so, whatdo I want?
well sleep would be great. friends notes emails. I love getting your notes.
Also, after I get back I want to start drinking more tea and dancing.
Today I'm hoping to go to a movie. Either Date Night or Letters To Juliet, the latter being my first choice. I like Amanda Seyfried. she's beautiful in an unusual way. And I could use a few laughs. sweetness.
the reason this doesn't allow for notes?
kinda scared of what i'll read, honestly. right now I'm feeling.......hm.....anxious. also, emotional.
so.'
**____________________________________________________________________________
'so today my mom and I saw Just Wright, that new Queen Latifah movie. which I actualy really liked. it was sweet funny dramatic romantic warm. awww. It was nice to have us time. We both like Queen Latifah.
Apparently Kate's still. not great. She's still a bit bruised which is making her self conscious. And I wonder if the fact that she lives in the city [new york. whenever I refer to 'the city' that's the one I mean], where how you present yourself is a big thing, plays into it. You know, dress nicely, put on makeup, do your hair, etc. Here we're pretty casual.
And because she's self conscious she doesn't want to do anything.
I think I was a bit self conscious the summer I was recovering from my surgery. But I did stuff. I went grocery shopping [I wanted to feel "normal"] w/ Mom. we planted marigolds. I can't recall what else I did.
Mom's been driving around buying stuff for Kate. yeah I get that surgery sucks. And now that Kate's off the drugs she's actually not as sweet as she was in the hospital. She's actually a bit of a demanding person. It's kindof unfair to Mom.
[yeah i should talk. Me being tenacious as all hell -i.e., if you tell me to take out the trash I probably won't as that feels like I'm doing it just because you told me to - translates into frustration for Mom. or. used to. frustration/irresponsibility].
Which therefore makes it unfair to me. Like, 'oh we can't go to the museum tomorrow as Kate has an appt'. Not that we'd made plans to do. but you know.
And since I'm sweet and thoughtful I don't keep reminding my mom that I want to go. I'm just like that. I don't complain.
In a way, it'll be easier when Kate goes back to the city. Of course then my mom will be busy with me and this whole. SSI thing.
I hate feeling this way towards Kate since, as said. I love her. a lot. being that, she's my sister.
and again, this is all manifesting itself physically into a relapse.
damnit.
so yeah i'm a little stressed. and annoyed.'
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