March: Aspergers. nostalgia. ssi. anxiety trust. reading. cynicism. writing. relationships family. in The Wonderland Years: 2010: transferred over from FOD. entries. Done.

'3rd

So, I just watched the premiere of the new NBC show 'Parenthood'. I liked it more than I thought I would. I really like Lauren Graham.

One of the characters has Asperger's. Interestingly enough, Jodi Piccoult has a new book coming out - House Of Rules - in November, about a family with a son who has Asperger's.

Oh, also in 'Rain Man' [which, next to 'Thin', 'For The Love Of Nancy' and 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape?' has got to be one of the saddest movies I'veeverseen] Dustin Hoffman plays a character with autism; turns out, he has Asperger's, which is similar.

My good friend Athena has autism; she's one of the smartest people I know.

And..........my dad has Asperger's. I remember the day I found out. Right after that I called Lindsey. I've not thought about that day in awhile, but then watching the show it hit me. Wow.

Up untill that day I thought that's the way it always was............with my dad. Which, well, it was. He's always been quiet, distant. the quietest person I know. I once emailed him, asking why he likes Jackie Chan; his response was a couple of paragraphs. Yeah sure surprised me.

He's always been a bit off; in the way you can tell certain people are off.

So, it seems people are trying to raise Asperger's/autism awareness, which I like. I never realised, untill I watched the premiere, that people misunderstand it. And then. they're ignorant.

Actually, the way this was discovered about my dad was that after his car accident a few years ago, he started seeing a therapist who diagnosed him with Asperger's.

I have a question; evidently, people who have Asperger's have certain things that set them off.........a certain color, for instance. Why?

Other than the quiet I mentioned above I've not noticed any other signs, but if anyone has any questitons, go ahead and ask.

Thank you

:) '

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'4th

So, a friend of mine recently emailed me asking why I didn't like rivers. 'is it because you were..........?'. Yes, the word. The word that, basically, is the same thing as assault. The word I never use.

And which I won't put here.

I'm being vague on purpose.

I emailed her back; 'first off, I prefer the term assault. And secondly, yes'.

I'm not annoyed with her. Okw ell that's not entirely true. I'm not er..........it's not so much annoyed as upset, just as I am with anyone I know who uses the aforementioned word. I meant.........I'm not upset with her as a person; it's the fact [the word], not the person.

Sometimes, the direct approach is more effective than being polite. If there's one thing I've learned from my most recent ex........it's that. ______________________________________________________________________________

'god am I knackered.

it's 20 past midnight. I've been up since.............9:21 this morning. That's late for me.

I'm worried about a friend. I emailed her. That's all I can do, given she lives overseas. Which is part of the reason I'm still up

Another friend embarassed me, and..........not in the good way. She said she was often on FB, and so I Facebook-ed her, asking how recovery was going. To which she replied, 'i'm sorry i think you've misunderstood me somehow'..........I'm not really sure why that embarassed me. Is it just me that happens to? No, I'd really like to know so I don't feel so alone in this.

But.........I thought that was the point, so we could keep in contact more........was I wrong?

So, I've been feeling nostalgic lately. I think it's because 'the group' 's split apart; it used to be myself, Alex, Michael, Taylor, Meagan, Mary, Brittany, Rachel and Sarah. and uh........um........oh, a few times Alex's friend Holly joined us.

Michael's stopped hanging out with Mary and Brittany..........Sarah broke up with him..........so things went south there. Rachel's moving down to Texas........Holly moved, not sure where to. She was really sweet.

I'm jealous of how close Michael and Meagan are. They've been through a lot together. They even smoke together, and I don't mean hookah. I know Michael smokes pot. That doesn't really bother me. What bothers me is that he talks about it, and their other memories. it's like, well. If I'm not invited, then don't talk about it. There's still a partof me that's curious about trying drugs. without the added addiction.

We all used to get along.

Maturing's a weird weird thing.

I miss 'us'; we had that great unity.

Oh, and apparently Hailey's joining us at some point, but more on that later.

Recovery's. eh. idinno.

So, it's tax season which means my mom's busier which means.........we haven't seen my grandparents in awhile. My grandmother's the same. I brought her irises, which she liked. My mom said that her dad said she [my grandmother] 's winding down, so. not sure what to make of that.

hm..........my dreams have become more vivid, stranger, as of late. One of them involved this guy I knew a few years back, and the word 'suicide'. ______________________________________________________________________________

'So, Hailey.

Is apparently this girl that Michael and I are meant to meet, to help us spiritually. There was that one week she was supposed to meet us/we were supposed to meet her.

Yeah, that. didn't happen.

And I'm not holdin my breath waiting for her.

Also, apparently. She's going to be Michael's next girlfriend, or something along those lines.

Yes I'm jealous. And I'm not typically a jealous person.

I know that whatever you send out into the universe will come back to you.

Oh, so for those who don't know; my EBT money didn't come in last month. Hopefully it'll be coming in next Wed. It's been increasingly frustrating. They [the gov't] didn't get all the paperwork, so.

Oh, my court date for acquiring SSI will probably be this spring. I'm nervous about it because this means my psychological history, some of it, will be mentioned. Um. I don't want that. There's not much I can do about it though.

I've stopped seeing a therapist, while we're on the subject. I mean, I didn't officially contact her and tell her this, as I'm fairly bad at that. But, that's what I've assumed. I never got back to her regarding payments, because it wasn't at the forefront of my mind, so. Also.

Sometimes I get really tired of only talking about me...........and thinking about me..........and my emotions, which I'm always doing. [I know, how can you think, about your emotions?]. Which, incidentally enough, is all that happens in therapy.

Still don't have a job. I went into Safeway awhile back and asked if they were hiring, which they were, deli clerks and some.......other clerks. That's not really something I want. I'd much rather do something behind-the-scenes.

Also. I don't want to go from not working to working a whole bunch. I don't do well in that kindof situation. I like to gradually move into things. Some people do and...........I'm not one of them.

However, I found out that they have applications online.

Oh. I had some of my work in an art show. It went well. The reason I'm not going into detail here is because my mom said something about Evan's parents and my art which upset me [to the point, actually, where other than taking pictures, I've stopped doing art], so.

But nothing I can do about that. by which I mean there probably is and I know exactly what that something is but I won't do that something. yeah I'm one step ahead of people there.

So.........hm..........

I recently hung out with some friends of mine I'd known when I was little. It was...........ok. They'd grown close, which was weird for me. It was like being back in middle school, where I was just on the sidelines.

if you've stuck with me through this and the previous entry, thank you.'

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'5th

I'm, evidently, [though I don't really think it's all that surprising, given I'm so used to it] one of those people whose good with dates. I know when anniversaries, birthdays are. People are like, 'how do you remember that?'. Well. How do you not? Rhetorical question, by the way.

Again, I'm so used to that.

However, I'm not very good with getting things done when they need to be done. At remembering, they need to be done. It may take me awhile to get something done but I get it done eventually.

There are some people out there, who, remember their childhoods. I don't. Simply........because I don't want to. I remember moving into my parents' house [which, at the time, was my house] when I was 4 and a half. I was wearing pink and black. It was June.

I remember something that happened when Kate was 4.

I remember baking peanut butter cookies with my grandmother.

All of this very vaguely.

It astounds me that people can remember as much as they do about their childhoods when........I really don't.

Memory's a strange thing; sometimes, I'll think of some random memory. Or, every time I hear a certain song, I think of the first time I heard that song.

What's interesting is, that even though I don't remember much of my childhood,........I remember being assaulted. Well. I do and I don't; it's a very bizarre experience.

And, it wasn't untill this past year, that I realised I'd blocked out the memory of Leon's memorial.

I only remember bits and pieces of my dad's accidents.

You get my point.

[On that note, is it any coincidence that that night, of my dad's car accident, we got the phone call, I remember colors; black and white and.......the day of Leon's memorial I was wearing those colors? .........everything happens for a reason, is my belief].

Maybe I'm really not ever supposed to remember more than when I was assaulted. No matter how long it's been maybe that's all I'll ever remember.

maybe it's a good thing i don't remember such things vividly; it's kindof scary to think of what I'd remember if..........I really tried'

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'6th**

.......step ahead like a fukin game of chess.

That's how today felt. A friend came over. She spent about 10 minutes in my room, looking at my books. It was weird. She's so....tactile. Well, so'm I.

I never have people over. I'm also, never in my room unless I'm putting stuff in it.

She turned on the light Dad installed; y'know, there's another lamp. I'd prefer people use.

I realised how anxious I am. She went into my room, .........and I wanted to tell her to stop. I was afraid she'd discover my secrets, which she already has. Yeah that one makes sense.

I guess . Idinno. I'd written it so perfectly.

about the light; something along the lines of, 'well just because he installed it doesn't mean you can't not use it'.

Ok, I see her point.

I wasn't looking for help there. I'm resentful towards my dad so I don't use a light he installed

I know, how illogical that must seem.

Um. I'll try and explain it; like.........ok. My dad triggers me. And, maybe the reason I don't use the light is because he installed it [as mentioned] and therefore his energy's [which, obviously, is him] on the light and hence.........indirectly, the light triggers me? I. guess.

THAT'S where the 'there's nothing I can do about it.........well I can and I know exactly what that something is' comes from. She's the type who wants to help. Yes, ok I get that. However........sometimes I'm just saying things and ...........they are. how they are.

I have to stay one step ahead of her. Because I know she'll say these types of things I say/type something like 'well I can but I won't'.

Sometimes, frankly; being helpful can become annoying which........can turn intofrutstation.

And, seemingly I'm not comfortable enough around her to flatout tell her I don't like this.

And speaking of.....maybe I should, you know. actually tell her all this. via email.'

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'8th**

Being in a relationship.........sure, yeah that would be great. If one of my friends knows a single guy who's interested, come talk to me.

But it's not at the forefront of my mind. What is, is the usual.

And, I've learned from my past 2 relationships. From the most recent breakup [4 months ago; wow, really?] I learned that I don't want to be with a guy who won't give me his opinion. I.e., if we're planning a day out, I'd ask you what you'd want to do.....possibly. [And even if I didn't it'd be my intent]. "Oh I don't care whatever you want". No. If you don't know, then simply tell me you don't know.

My most recent ex [as soon as a breakup occurs, the person becomes a pronoun, my ex. and that's how I refer to them] wouldn't give me his opinion, not really.

My dad's the same way.

Which, incidentally, is weird............it's like, oh, I like a guy similar to my dad.

And the relationship before that, I learned I don't want to be with someone who's not commited. Who puts me first.

As is expected in a relationship.

If it matters, I don't cook. So don't expect me to be the 1950's kindof girlfriend.

However..........I love doing things for people.

I also don't drive.

I'm stating this so that, if it so happens that a friend knows someone............that someone knows what they're in for.

I'm the kindof woman who needs her own space.

Jus sayin. **____________________________________________________________________________

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'That sounds like police code or something.

Or a metaphor.

So, last Thursday my mom and I went to Safeway. We didn't plan it that way; she needed to go, so.

I forgot what she got. I got...........4 apples, 2 microwavable pizzas, store-brand hummus, Triscuits and 4 cans of mandarin oranges.

I've been eating the hummus and Triscuits.

It's weird having food again. Well. More food. She mentioned I was trying to eat healthier..........she doesn't know that I usually do, with the exception of chocolate.

The apples feel too big. Not in the physical sense. But...........idinno, emotionally, maybe?

It was..........wobbly, when we went. Like ice-skating for the first time in awhile.

'Wobbly'. A phrase I've picked up from the book 'Wintergirls'.

I made muffins the other week, lemon. The house smelled springlike when they were baking.

Kate likes spring

I haven't had them. Maybe they, like the apples, are too big.

Or maybe I just like blueberry ones better.

Not everything has to have that much depth.

I bought soymilk specifically for that purpose, baking. I like baking. It's..........easier. The oven knows what to do.

On tv, they were talking about using soymilk for baking. thought I'd tr it.

I want to start baking more. A standard baking dish would be............8 by 11 inches? No, um..........8 by...........??.

I'm proud of myself for grocery shopping

*my notebook still smells like cookies. peanut butter.

*we were eating cookies off it. well, not off it. the cookies were on a plate which was on the notebook.

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'11th**

Recently on FB I posted a note about 7 different things I wanted to say. They were honest and might've come off as hurtful, as these things often do.

One of the things was to a friend [actually they all were. Well. One was to an acquaintance, one to my mom], saying she should stop w/ the advice.

Yeah, I'll admit I..........probably shouldn't have phrased it that way. I still want her help just, not her advice.

However, I can see how it would be difficult for her, as sometimes I want advice - in regards to how to phrase something - and sometimes I don't. Either I honestly don't care or it's so blatantly obvious, that.

Also, sometimes people give me advice when I'm not expecting it.

My point here being that.........I can be a bit hard to read, therefore making it difficult for...........well. anyone.

And probably confusing.

I'm sorry for phrasing it so bluntly. But sometimes..........it's the only way to get the message across.

However, now I'm afraid that by phrasing it as such, that.........might.......have shut her out completely. Which I don't want.

But maybe she didn't take it to heart as much as I thought she did.

The only way to really find out is to flatout ask her

Just because I apologised doesn't change the fact that it happened. It just means I made a mistake and I'm admitting it.

And maybe her way of helping me - and, again, the only way to really find out is to ask - is to give me advice. It's like, 'ok so you said you don't want advice and yet........you want me to help you, so..........?'.

Yeah I get that.

Oh, also. Someone else she knows might want advice. It's like, some people are allegic to strawberries. [Maybe]. And, one day someone might give them a strawberry, not knowing this. But once that person knows this they won't give them the said fruit any more.

And some other people really like strawberries.

Point being, it's confusing.

I have 2 choices here: I could either email her and apologise and then we could go back to the same cycle, or.......I could wait untill things have calmed down a bit.

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'14th**

so. I don't know.

It's nearing 4 a.m. Oh, and just for the record, it's Daylight Saving Time, not Daylight Savings. It's not a sale on daylight.

I'm going to be confused today. I already know this. Confusion's due to DST.

Hm........I saw Dear John and Valentine's Day recently; they were ok. Amanda Seyfried is unusual looking. I really like Taylor Swift. I don't like her music, although I don't like country, so.

I've been reading a lot; Jodi Piccoult *[Handle With Care, House Rules, The Tenth Circle] and Kristin Hannah [True Colors. currently reading Winter Garden]. Within the books of theirs I've read so far, there's always a reference to the title somewhere inside the book.

I just finished a book on Judy Garland; funny, interesting, informative and very good, entitled 'Me & My Shadows'. I really liked the movie of the same name. My mom and I saw the movie 'Meet Me In St. Louis' in London, when I was sick.

I'm not a fan of stories told in the 3rd person; I feel as though I'm viewing things from a distance, but not quite.....hm.......immersed in them.

I'm hoping to see 'Alice In Wonderland' with my mom this week. Love the story. The characters are so diverse.

It's almost St. Patrick's Day. Yay! I loved Ireland. I want to go back someday.......it's so beautiful. I should write about it......Kate and I visited this giant garden where we found what we call 'snowball flowers' [they're actually hydrangeas]. We made wishes by the fountain. She was about 10. I have a picture of her holding a butterfly.

I should also write about Paris.......and our most recent trip down to FL.

I bought chocolate St. Patrick's Day cupcakes. I'll have them Wednesday.

In other spring news, I saw a squirrel the other day. It was being......squirrel-y. Which led me to think of how you never see bunnies.

Speaking of Alice........Michael's opening a hookah bar this summer in downtown Denver. The MySpace page is The Pompous Caterpillar, for anyone interested.

I've been getting better at mailing Kate cards for the upcoming holidays. I've been thinking more about ,although she has good intentions, she doesn't always er........she's not always conscientous. And that she's protected me, in a way. Like the summer I went over to Lee's and he smoked pot but I didn't and after, Kate and I talked about this. She helped me realise that, as drawn to that as I was, once I started smoking pot, it wasn't something I'd want anymore.

[Maybe I'm being a bit overdramatic here; [saysthe woman who loves theater. yes i know]; I'm a bit naieve when it comes to drugs].

I'd love to be an aunt to her kids someday; she could take them on the roller coasters and I could go with them on the more milder rides, such as the carousels. I love carousels. I could bake stuff for them, and be sweet. Which. I already am. Tell them how proud I am of them..........be there to talk when they get home from school.......give them plenty of hugs.

That's Kate; beautiful, silly, driven as hell and loving the roller coasters. And dogs. Every time I see a dog, I think of her. She's amazing, turned her life completely around from who she was in high school. I'm proud of her.

And, even thuogh I wasn't there for her back then, that doesn't mean I can't be now. I email her from time to time, saying things like 'I'm proud of you' or 'you're amazing' or 'smile. the world's beautiful amd so are you'.

That doesn't change the fact that I wasn't there then; it just means I'm trying to be now. That's something my mom taught me.

My [paternal] grandmother's trying to think of a play the both of us could see. We were going to the ballet Beauty & The Beast, but it stopped showing..........and then Guys & Dolls, which is playing the same day my mom and I are seeing Mary Poppins........so. We both like Sinatra, love the film West Side Story and fairy tales. And other things.

It's not only the show, it's also the experience; when my mom and I go to plays, or movies or I see her choir perform. Just being there with her. She's the one who taught me how to plant marigolds, and pansies. I might give her a packet of each for her birthday. The summer I was in recovery - from my *surgery, that is - we planted marigolds. Sometimes, she knows little tidbits about the movies we see, such as the 2 homages to the most recent Hairspray film.

Maybe, I'm not focusing on who my mom is now because my emotions are still stuck on who she was, what she said.

Her mom's doing ok, still the same. Well. She's not worse.

I really like the show 'Who Do You Think You Are?'. It's made me want to learn more about my own family's history. I know some about my mom's but not much about my dad's side. Then again, my mom was more .....verbal about it, so.

Speaking of birthdays, I already have an idea of what I want to get my [paternal] grandmother for hers [which. isn't untill the end of July. I'm a planner, unlike Kate]. The idea is to type out her guacomole recipe and frame it, because I learned how to make guacomole from watching her.

And........I've been going to Chipotle a lot, for guacomole and chips. They're nice. They have good chips. What is it about their chips that makes me want more?

But if cashiers are nice, then you'll want to come back.

So, I still don't have my EBT money, which is frustrating. They don't have enough people working there. 'They' being the gov't and 'there' being the offices, I. assume. I've been eating cheese, yogurt and Reese's. not a lot but it's food. oh, and guacomole, as mentioned. I may not eat much but I eat healthy.

I also, still don't have a job. I went into Safeway a few weeks ago [though I might've mentioned this] and asked if they were hiring. Which they were, deli clerks, which I don't really want to do. However, I found out they have applications online. I'm thinking of going and asking the flower-clerk-lady if they're hiring in that section. I don't have any prior experience, which might be a problem, but I like flowers, A and 2, they know me there.

So we'll see.

But I have ideas, job-wise and B, I have something to occupy my time with.

*it was orthonathic surgery. meaning, they re-alligned my jaw/s and took my wisdom teeth out.

part 2 to come! ' *____________________________________________________________________________

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'.....hope so." - Michael.

We were at a buffet. I realise how obvious the quote is. I'm always amazed that they have food at grocery stores, too. Again, yes, obvious.

But I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks, so. By which I mean buying fruit, Triscuits, hummus, pasta, yogurt, etc.....all in one trip.

I think it's good that I was excited about that.

And in my defence, I'm in recovery from an eating disorder.

[This reminds me of when my friend Susie came over; I told her I'd made muffins; I was all proud. She laughed. I explained. She got it].

I'd really like if my most recent entries were noted, as, for the most part, I like reading the notes.

So, I'm going to write about my day.

Today wasn't off to a very good start, as I haven't been getting much sleep. And when I have it's been during the day.

While I was trying to sleep this morning, I heard something that sounded like rain. I wasn't too sure what it was, as it never rains here. Except for June 2009, when we, amazingly enough, got about 3 feet of rain. In all my years I have never seen it rain that much. Unlike Florida, where, not only does it rain, but there's also water everywhere. And coming from the land of virtually very little rain........yeah, you can see why that would surprise me.

Oh, turned out it was rain. It stopped after about 10 minutes.

I read for a bit, got ready, had some peppermint tea and read some more. At 2:30 Michael picked me up. After 'hi', the first thing he asked me was 'where do you want to go?'. We went to Wash Park, talking about siblings, animals and whatnot. Shared memories. We walked around; the geese were beautiful. I'm trying to not be as afraid of geese. Actually, Michael talked. Apparently, when I shut up people......talk.

We stopped at the.....dock. thing, that's over part of one of the 2 lakes. I didn't sit down because everything was wet. We visited my favorite tree, saw a squirrel. I sat down in the tree [which, amazingly enough, wasn't all that wet], and broke downn a bit. Told him about the dream he was in, in which I showed him my cuts. He was sad, shocked by this but that was it. The rain dripped into the lake, which was green and deep; you couldn't see the bottom. It's huge.

The tree's energy just..........enfolded me, I guess. The trunk is low and it has these 'arm' branches; one of which is stretched out over the lake, the other a few feet higher. I can't pinpoint exactly why it's one of my favorites. It's beautiful, as are all trees. It's almost human, in a way; the position of the branches.

I've another favorite, by my place; she's got a lightning strike down her. It feels like she's been hurt. If she were a person the branches would be her arms, and then..........well. you can see how the lightning strike represents assault. She's beautiful though, despite that.

We went back to the car and drove to Whole Foods where, as everyone knows, they also have food. It smelled really good. It felt good; not neccessarily 'happy' but.......good. the energy.

They had yellow flowers; I was all excited about this. I love yellow. And they had mini cupcakes. After, we drove to a gas station to get ATM money.

It started snowing.

We drove to Country Buffet. Michael paid for most of it, I paid a few dollars. I had a blueberry muffin, green beans, carrots, bread-and-butter, a tiny, wicked good triangle brownie and carrot cake. Oh, and raspberry tea. It was really all I wanted. Michael had meat, mashed potatos, bread-and-butter, white ice cream [which I'm assuming was vanilla] and coffee with half-and-half in it.

Still snowing.

Went back to the car, drove to his place in Westminster, where we were for about 10 minutes. [Not his place so much as his parents']. He went upstairs to get something; I stayed in the living room, behind the couch. [which is right in the middle of the room]. Behind the spot Christy, his mom, usually sits. I'm just drawn there, I guess. The tv was on ABCFamily, that new ice-skating movie. I walked around the kitchen, then to the plants by the garage doors. Then back to the couch, over to the front door with the stained glass window that Mr. Garone'd made; it's stunning.

I love stained-glass.

Went back to the car, drove to his place in Westminster, where we were for about 10 minutes. [Not his place so much as his parents']. He went upstairs to get something; I stayed in the living room, behind the couch. [which is right in the middle of the room]. Behind the spot Christy, his mom, usually sits. I'm just drawn there, I guess. The tv was on ABCFamily, that new ice-skating movie. I walked around the kitchen, then to the plants by the garage doors. Then back to the couch, over to the front door with the stained glass window that Mr. Garone'd made; it's stunning.

I love stained-glass.

Drove back to Wash Park. Talked about thoughts. We both think several things at once. I.e.; I'll be reading, and, at the same time I'm thinking about the book I'll also be thinking about something else. I never think just one thought. I've theorized that the reason I don't think just one thought is because I'm usually physically multi-tasking and therefore my mind multi-tasks.

We went over to the school [South High's] lawn, talking about relationships. stood in almost the exact same spot I'd lied in during an art class my senior year. I went to this wrought-iron bench, sat in it. It was surprisingly warm there. The bench had been there since 1939. It's hidden, in a way. It takes you awhile to find it.

The school's got a lot of history.

Michael walked a few yards across the lawn. After awhile, I joined him and we walked around the school. I confessed to him what I'd done and why I felt guity about it. [which I'd really rather not post here]. He was incredibly understanding. As Kate once told me, things are never as bad as they seem. I didn't tell him the details, just eluded to it and what Meagan had told us a few weeks back. He told me he never wants me to feel like I have to tell him anything. I wanted to because I don't like it when things are unsaid between him and I. And I knew if I didn't, I'd be bothered.

[I'm being vague on purpose here].

He drove me back to my place after about an hour. When I went inside, he stayed [in the car, I mean] for about 10 minutes. I wasn't at all bothered by it. Then left.

So, after all that happened....................I called Susie, and we talked for a bit. then called Kate, left a message and she phoned me back. we also talked.

so that was my day.' **____________________________________________________________________________

'16th**

I've realised another reason why I like vanilla. I just thought it was because it smelled good. But I remember my grandmother telling me that she'd wear it as perfume.

I think I like clouds because I like planes. And when I fly, everything.........goes away. I love that.

Well, I don't like gray clouds.

I'm not really a sports fan, but I like hockey and soccer. I used to watch hockey with my dad. He's a soccer ref. There's something innocent about watching people in the park play soccer; I'm not sure what it is.

Another reason, which is much much simpler than the whole......hair being connected with the assault........thing, that I don't wear my hair down, is because I don't like the feel of it on my back. ______________________________________________________________________________

'NOTE: this is a musing, a vent. not wanting an answer. [again, this is an example of how I have to stay 1 step ahead of her].

She and I were talking:

Me: "........it feels good when someone acknowldges you for being that thin"

Her: "Well there are other ways to gain acknowledgement"

How...........i...........it's............how do you.........

For the first time in my life I have - well, ok, not "have" to - explain my eating disorder to her, which for the most part, she got.

That's not it at all. It's not, there are. you have.........other options. It's not not acknowledging it. It's so much bigger, that type of acknowledgement.

There are other ways to gain acknowledgement. Yeah like what, sex? If you're a prostitute, yes.

[not that i have anything against prostitutes].

With eating disorders, you feel everything. physically. And I usually don't. I'm usually very reserved, quiet. I won't let myself feel stuff.

It's not saying 'there are other ways to do this'.

It's saying. yeah. i get that.

Acknowledging the moment.

Validating feelings.

not acting like it didn't happen.

And people [being my mother, being that I don't do a whole lot] claim i have no willpower.

You wanna see willpower?

well talk to someone with a fukin eating disorder. That's willpower.

for the first time in my life. well. to be more accurate, since we've known each other. 6 years.

People need to be validated, just like parking tickets.

'do you need your parking ticket validated?'

do you need your feelings validated?

yes. absofukinlutely.

thanks. for that.

i'm not asking really how; i'm venting.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

**'From the cynic in me.

And I don't mean saying 'fine' when someone asks you how you are.

I mean..........saying 'sorry I missed your call I was busy', or...........I had another example.

Are you? Sorry? Were, you busy?

Maybe it's not your fault you missed the call. Maybe your phone died, or something. Or it was chargning. Or you were eating. At the movies. Etc. etc.

I think you get it.

Why should people apologise for things they didn't do?

You hear someone died, or they're not doing well, and you're like 'I'm sorry'. Why? It's not your fault. Well. Unless you did it intentionally and then, yeah.

No I get, why, obviously. I'm not asking that to ask it [and theeeeeeeere we go again, with the whole 1-step-ahead thing] I'm making a point.

I think part of it's habit. And, saying 'I'm sorry' is easier than actually thinking of having to say something.

Actually just yesterday Michael told me their [his and Alex's] grandfather wasn't doing too well. I sat there, and it's like 'should I say something or,.........is it just how it is?'.

I didn't say anything. It's not that I didn't care. It's that........sometimes, there's this understanding of the slience after something's been said, that yeah. i get that.

Sometimes. That's all you need to say. Is 'I get that'. That, phrase. pretty much covers it.

For me, anyway.

I don't often use this, but one of my phrases is 'you have my sympathy' or, 'I don't know what to say'. It's kinda like asking, 'hey, I don't know what to say/do, so what.....are you looking for here?'.

Although. sometimes you don't know what to say. do.

'I'm sorry'. yeah that's nice but it won't do anything. Don't be sorry be effective. Ask, what you can do. [This isn't a personal 'you'; it's a general 'you'].

I remember, when I took drama class in high school. When people would forget their lines they'd go 'sorry'. I tried not to. It's not like they set out to forget their lines.

Anyway, getting back to my point.

Maybe you're not sorry. Maybe you meant to miss their call.

Please don't misunderstand that. I don't mean, maybe you meant to miss their call because you'd planned it and therefore were trying to be rude.

I meant, maybe you meant to miss their call because at the time they called you were upset and you didn't want them to know that.

However, I realise that actually telling them something to that effect would probably be a lot more. well. effective.

Maybe you don't feel bad you missed their call. [god i can circle-talk]. Maybe it wasn't the most important thing at the time.

Maybe we just say 'sorry' because it's the right thing to do, to say. we feel like we should. It's expected. of us.

Or, a person has an eating disorder. and........it becomes a coping mechanism. right, so that makes the potentially deadly disease ok.

This reminds me of when my dad and I were driving back the books to the library a few summers back; he mentioned I should write a note reading 'sorry', to which I said nothing. He then said 'well, are you sorry?'.

Are you?

And as a matter of fact............................ '

______________________________________________________________________________

'........that yall are amazing. I wish I had as much courage as you do to publically write out the exact details of my eating disorders. To push past that fear.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

**'maybe i need to stop focusing.

on the whole.........always having to be 1 step ahead of her. thing.

i've done all i can. well. 90% of it. and i clearly don't want to change my behavior. which would be the other 10%. which is also the reason i'm not in therapy anymore.

i've written about it..........emailed her..........there's really. not a whole lot more i can do.

jus sayin'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'maybe all she meant was...........that there are other ways to gain acknowledgement besides an eating disorder.

yeah, well. it sure as hell didn't sound that way.

i get that. it's not that simple. she gets that.

and yet.........for the first time, i have [and again, not 'have to'] to explain it.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

**'when i said "he knows to tell me to be careful when standing on a chair to change a lightbulb but not when dating", i was being cynical.

i wasn't. wanting an explanation.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'it's hard to let you back into my life. when you keep on frustrating the hell out of me.

i often find myself wondering why we don't get together more often and then i realise, oh. that's why.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'my world may be dark but at least I don't ignore it.

My cynacism keeps me grounded. It reminds me that I'm here, real. Dark.And that the world is.

It reminds me that...........I won't end up like him. ignoring everything acting like it doesn't exist. like there aren't women cutting, being assaulted, murdered, prostitution......every day. etc. etc.

i guess, in a way, i'm afraid of turning into him.

maybe that's why my depression is. what, how it is. it's what keeps me cynical which, in turn as explained above.

I've never in my life ignored my world'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'that my grandmother started to mentally fade.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'17th**

.....paying attention span.

I remember, once, she and I were talking for about an hour, about what I don't recall. At the end of this, she said something that made me realise I was supposed to be paying attention. When I admitted I wasn't, she grew annoyed.

This also happened when we were down in Florida.

Ok, I'll admit; sometimes I don't.

And, sometimes it's not that I'm not paying attention. I am. It's that my attention is divided between [among?] several things at once. For instance, I'll be thinking about the weekend at the same time I'm thinking about what'll be on tv later at the same time I'm thinking about the weather..........people I know.......and such.

And yet I can sit there and read, dance for hours.

no wonder i'm hard to follow at times.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'...........death, then...........?

*Wheels turning. Psychology, bare w/ me. Long, somewhat confusing. *

It was Michael who told me this. He's irrationally afraid of balloons.

[Which is known as globophobia. Then what's the fear of globes known as?]

Well. It's not so much balloons as people with balloons.

Oh, and I'm not really sure how phobias are tied to the fear of death. Or, they have something to do w/ death. It was vague when he told me. I'll ask him.

So, apparently, I have APD, which leads to agarophiba [very mild]. It's not so much that I'm afraid of people as they unnverve me. I can't explain how. See? It's irational. [i think i spelt that wrong].

I avoid people. When I go downtown, for instance, I don't go there to interact. Hell, I don't go anywhere, really, to interact. And, as self explanatory as this is, APD is Avoidant Personality Disorder.

[I learned this through my psychological records].

Uhm.......hm........ok. So. When we're in school, that's where we spend most of our time. And, when I was younger, in school, people weren't very nice to me.

Which, as I just recently realised, does horrible things for your self-esteem.

Maybe it's a subconscious thing?

Like.........ok. Because people weren't nice to me, I see people, overall, as those 'archetypes'.

Idinno.

And, therefore that's why I avoid people?

Actually, partof that is subconscious. And part of it is that I don't want to make small talk. If someone asks me how I am I'm not going to ignore them, I'd just rather they didn't.

Do you honesetly care?

Clerks'll ask you that. Ha, what if you gave them a straight, detailed answer? 'Well, to be honest, not so great.....I had a fight with my brother, ran a stop sign..........', just off the top of my head. 'yeah that's great i didn't really want to know all that', they might think.

yes, well. you asked.

I know it's this big vague thing. the whole...........APD-phobia-people-death...........thing. I'd explain it if I knew how.

As previously mentioned, my APD/paranoia started when I was little. And, actually, if you look it up, that's how it happens.

So, do the things we like turn into who we are? Er. not so much like as are interested in. A friend was over the other day, looking at my DVDs. she said somethin to the effect of 'what isw/ you and horrible movies?'.

not 'horrible' as in 'bad', as in. um. depressing. dark. triggering.

my poetry's also like that, as is my life.

oh! i meant.........do my DVD/poetry reflect my life, and the other way around.

not 'do' they..........um. i don't know how to phrase this. sorry.

Oh, so in tarot cards, the sun represents the father. [Makes complete sense why i adore the moon then]. and..........when i was little, i. had a fear of the sun getting closer. [that's as much as i'll post about that].

so.............is this somehow connected to the assault? because, ever since the assault, i've kinda been afraid of my dad, and, as just stated.....

[i knew the guy who assaulted me..........i know my dad. ya. you get it, i. hope].

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'Hate, apparently, isn't the opposite of love.

Yeah, I know. surprised me too.

Well. Of course it's not. I don't know why this is suddenly obvious.

Fear is a form of hate some.how.

As in, I hate the cold. I'm afraid of being assaulted [again]. It was cold [the hate] when I was assaulted [the fear].

that's all i got...........right now

"the opposite of war isn't love; it's creation" - RENT

i've forgotten why/how.......... '

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'I've been writing a hell of a lot lately. About, my recent relapse. And, daily life. At a point, I was starting to connect my poetry about my disease to everything else.

I want to go to Wash Park, and just sit there and write. There's just something about that park.

Y'know something?

I think I'm ready. I'm finally. ready. to write more. not just about cutting/depression/my disease, but also about family stuff. The deep, dark family stuff that I've kept hidden away for so long. Kate's coke addiction. My nonexistant relationship with my father. Stuff w/ my mother. Elementary school. Etc.

It'll be hard, really hard. And painful. Scary.

This is a big really step for me.

I've made recovery art. poetry. discovered that love is a common theme. '

**____________________________________________________________________________

**'.........blessing. I've always loved that.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

<3 '

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'So, up untill today, I never understood the whole swaddling babies thing. Apparently, it has a calming effect.

I'm sortof the same way; when I sleep I sleep with the blankets wrapped around me. I hate it when they tuck them into the hotel beds.

No wonder I love sleep.

And I wonder if that's why, because it's a subconscious thing.

I'd sometimes refer to it as 'cocooning'; I love that feeling. When you're wrapped up in something and you're all warm and safe.

Is that how caterpillars feel?

I really can't say.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

---

'For those who don't know, I'm a photographer. I always have my camera with me.

I was thinking today about why I like photography. For one, it's easy. And being someone whose always had things hard for her....yeah.

Drawing's hard. And frustrating, sometimes.

I love capturing a moment; there's something so.....incredible and authentic about it. It's spontaneous, which I'm not by any means. And for those few seconds you're taking a picture you stop everything.

I draw, photograph things because of their energy, and not neccessarily what I see them as. If I take a photo of a tree, for instance, everyone can see it's a tree. But I chose to photograph it based on what I feel from it.

And. Even if I'm having a crappy day or people were mean or I'm going through hell, or.....whatever. Maybe just maybe I can make something beautiful out of it. Or something cool. Or amazing.

There are certain photos I've taken that I won't put online just because of the fact that their energy is so powerful, bad or good.

I love pretty things, nature. Flowers. Colors. Several of my chairs in my place have a floral pattern. My mom's parents always have flowers at their place. I have butterfly/dragonfly windchimes. You get the idea.

If you don't take the time to really absorb nature, its energy, touch it.........its spirit dies. Things need to be touched, rescued. I learned this from Michael.

A simpler example of this is, how many people have tried not to hit a bird, a squirrel while driving? See? My point exactly. You wanted to rescue it, to keep it from being hit.

There's something very simplistic about dogs, that I can't quite my finger on. Maybe it's the fact that they're happy, just as they are. Today walking home, I was watching a yellow lab chase a tennis ball and bring it back. They don't get bored with this whereas humans sometimes do. Although, with that being said, I can sit there and play with a Rubik's Cube, Play Doh for hours.

As Deepak Chopra said, you come home, the dog's very happy to see you. You go into another room for a minute then come back to the living room, where said dog is, and it's as equally happy to see you.

I love cats but they're so much more complex.

so that's my thought of the day.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

---

'So, yesterday, my mom and I went to my grandparents. When we got there my grandfather was giving my grandmother breakfast. Or, the end of it, rather. It was sweet, and intimate. Like a bird. There was a crumb she didn't want, which my mom found funny/endearing.

My mom read more of the book on the pioneer women.

They [my grandparents, that is. not thepioneer women. well, they might've] had flowers; they always have flowers. Some purple ones and big yellow lilies. I love yellow and I love lilies. As big as they are their petals are delicate.

The lilies kept drawing my attention.

We were talking about what my grandmother wanted for her service. Awhile ago, she told Jim [a guy from their church. I think he's a reverend], when they had the talk, something along the lines of "I can't give you a date yet Jim", which we found funny. Either she's hopeful or doesn't know. Or both.

There are a few uncertain things lately. This.......my court date for SSI.......whether or not I'll see Rachel, who's coming into town. I hope, but she might not drive but Michael drives and evidently, something happened where he won't be able to hang out, so. Could be just that he's busy.

Oh, Rachel moved to TX, btw.

She - my grandmother - seemed low yesterday. But overall, she seems to be ok with things. That's a hard thing to come by.

Maybe it's all it is, is planning. Maybe nothing's going to happen right away.......she's honestly 'lasted' longer than I thought she would. She'll be 90 in July.

She's mentally faded since last spring, but not to the point where she doesn't know who we are. Yesterday, I told her we'd see her next week, but I know there'll eventually come a point in time where........

I filled out my census questions yesterday, that was kindof cool.

I bought new Midol, the kind without caffeine. I was looking at the products online, and realised oh. the kind I've been taking has caffeine in it; and I wonder why I have wicked insomnia when I have my period. How obvious is that?

Well apparently not very.

So I'll try this new kind and see how it goes.

Hm. I'm seeing 'Alice In Wonderland' with my mom today. aww yay. I love the story; the characters are different from each other. My mom and I are seeing 'Mary Poppins' Sunday. I love shows. Mary Poppins is so charming. I remember, when we saw it in London a few years ago [I was 18], during intermission there was ice cream. I didn't have any.

My [paternal] grandmother reminds me of Julie Andrews.

So apparently, it's going to snow today. If you ever want an apt metaphor for life, Colorado's it. But it rarely rains here, as said.

Oh!

Still writing......have a lot more to write, in regards to recovery, food memories, my past, family, etc.

I ate today. I had half a pizza, about an hour ago. California Pizza Kitchen, microwavable, 4 cheese. It was really good, but weird, eating again. That's the most I've had since Sunday. I've discovered I need more calcium; no wonder I've been wanting milk lately.

I might bake this weekend, we'll see. blueberry muffins.

Tomorrow I'll probably go to the store and get milk, cheese, pasta, yogurt and such. and parmesan cheese.

[yes i understand i need a lot more than just calcium].

I might get some chips-and-guacomole later today, we'll see. yum.

it's ironic; as sweet and gentle and careful with people as i am.........i have to go through this hellish vicious bitch of a disease. of which i'm not, vicious.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

**'So.

My heating hasn't been working. Actually, that's not entirely accurate.

It's been working; just not heating.

Sorry, not 'heating'; thermostat.

I set the 'System' part to 'Heat' and the 'Fan' to 'On'.

Which, actually makes the room colder. This never happened before today.

Is there something I'm missing? And/or not doing?

If it matters, I moved into the place I'm in now last May. I don't know how long it's been here.

Thank you.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'20th**

see it's not just that she's my exgirlfriend. She's also my friend. When we were intimate, it wasn't official or anything. We've been friends for 6 years.

So, it's not the same as when you have an ex and you break up and it's like 'ok well, I'm not going to contact them anymore' and that's it. The assumption with statements like that is the person wasn't very nice to you.

That's not the case at all. You can't [well ok you can] just cut someone out of your life that you've been friends with for 6 years. I'm not friends with people that long.

I wonder why we don't hang out more often and then I realise. oh. that's why. because she frustrates the hell out of me. and, it's hard to let someone back into your life when they keep doing that.

She also makes me anxious, as gone over in previous entries. It's not only her I'm 1 step ahead of, it's everyone else too.

Just the other day, actually........when she was over here, she was wondering how to go to sites online, since I don't have a search bar. I told her to type it in the search box, that I had a search bar once and tried to get it back but couldn't, or something along thos eliens.

I knew [well ok assumed] she'd tell me how to get the search bar back, which I'd already done.

It's examples like the one above that..........are........why she makes me anxious.

I spose I could actually, you know, email her and tell her that, but then after awhile she'll forget and it goes back to the cycle of her frustrating me.

I know this'll sound bitchy, selfish and probably hurtful, but, asmy good friend Steph pointed out, I shouldn't have to worry so much about what she wants. And I'm certainly not going to wait around for it. That's not my top priority right now.

Are we parting ways?

Well, I don't know. And maybe part of the reason I don't want to is because I know what it'll do to her. It'll hurt her and I don't like hurting people.

jus sayin'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'That's why I don't eat certain foods. It's not because I don't like them [although, I don't] it's because when I consciously eat them [as in, really think about what I'm eating, it becomes gross. I first noticed this when I was 17. It's actually the reason I stopped eating NutriGrain bars.

It's also probably the reason I don't consciously eat. Well that, and my parents ate dinner in front of the tv. And it makes me anxious.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'21st

so, i have this thing.

She and I used to be close. She was the one I phoned when my mom and Kate had a fight....when I found out my dad had Asperger's.....who I texted when I cut at 2 a.m.

But then, I also used to be close with a girl I was best friends with back when I was 17. sure screwed that up. and now she wants nothing to do w/ me. and yet a part of me keeps hoping......

And then I met Michael. and Meagan. and Taylor.

Michael/Meagan were the first ones I called when my last ex broke up w/ me. Taylor was the one I called in the morning, right after I cut.

So..........bare w/ me I'm getting somewhere here.

Meagan and Michael are close, and because of that whenever Meagan hangs out w/ us I've wanted Lindsey to be there,because we're as close as they are.

But, as gone over.

So..........Rachel and I are getting to know each other better, which is great.

I guess you could call it transferrence; now Rachel's the one I vent to about my recovery. as is Steph.

it goes from one person to the next'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'My week was ok. Nothing major happened. It started off last Sunday, going to the park w/ Michael.

Hm.........Friday I saw 'Alice In Wonderland' w/ my mom. It was snowing. I'd brought my umbrella. I always have my umbrella. It was also windy, so I didn't think my umbrella would be much help.

It was snowing when we came out of the theater. During the facts portion, right before the commercials which come before the previews, you couldn't hear anything. Like watching a silent film. Well. I guess people talk in silent films you just can't hear them. As my mom's pointed out.

I'm probably the only one my age who knows who Lillian Gish is, while we're on the subject.

My mom talked to the movie people about that.

The movie was bizarre, as was the original. I liked the cat. and the butterfly. Emilie Autumn songs would've fit perfectly. Johnny Depp looked slightly high. Alice was hot. Which somehow feels 'wrong'; not because I'm on both sides, as it were, but because it's a classic beloved children's story.

Of course she didn't think to bring the drink/cake with her when she went into wonderland. Not the brightest thing there....

They left stuff out ,changed some stuff. The white queen's land looked very............cold. and sharp. like an asylum. it reminded me of 'Changeling'. which is interesting, since the white queen herself was very sweet. And warm. There's something about Helena Bonham Carter that I find attractive.

We went to the bakery after, the one on Evans. I reminded my mom that she might want her coupon. "Oh right". it was funny.

It smelled wonderful. They had cloud ceiling tiles. A short ceiling. My mom's been going there for years. She got free bagels w/ her purchase. They used to have those ceiling tiles in my orthodontist's office, and probably still do. Oh. I had braces for a few years. didn't like them.

The bakery people felt good. happy. Clerks, that is.

i've been sleeping a lot. and researching anorexia. not obsessively. I figure, I should probably know why things are happening the way they are, in my body. Like..........ok my back's been hurting because that's where the kidneys are which means I need calcium. Legs hurt because we need nutrients. and so on.

I had a memory lapse, I think; I was at Target, thinking I wanted to buy a book, not recalling I had one in my basket. I remember picking it up and at the end paying for it, but.

yeah.

Also, any given place you go there'r a number of distractions. so.

I bought the newest No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency book. they're interesting. My uncle lives in Africa part of the time. He's a teacher; I don't remember what he teaches. the books are set in Africa's the correlation.

I've also been colder. My skin is actually cold. but.....when I turn my heat on the room actually gets colder. And even though I know this I keep turning it on. I'm like a goldfish who keeps bangin her head against the wall. I Facebooked Michael asking for advice about the heating thing; he said he didn't know but he'd ask his dad.

Yes I realise I could've asked my dad via email. But I'm 70% more likely to ask a friend of mine than my own dad. also. i don't like my dad,so.

He told me my grandmother was wondering if I'd seen 'Alice'. I told him I had but I'd see it w/ her. he asked if it was scary. big surprise there, coming from a guy who can't deal w/ the severity of the world. No, just bizarre. he said maybe I'd understand it better if I saw it a 2nd time.

yeah, when I'm smoking hookah. right............

I get his point, but also, there are certain movies [Pink Floyd's The Wall, for instance] where, if you watch them while high, make a lot more sense. but that's just me.

I also realise, it could be a matter of opinion. Some people like roller coasters. I don't. Some people like iguanas. they terrify me.

I never see things that way when it comes to my dad. Maybe because I don't like him and if I let myself be understanding towards him things would.........change. idinno.

In a couple hours my mom and I are going to see 'Mary Poppins'. I love the theater.

it's a really nice day. it's warmer outside than it is in my place.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'22nd**

'So, I just got some news. Actually I got a few bits of news within the last few hours.

But most recently...........according to Rachel, Meagan's not a nice person. alrite, some people aren't. just the way the world is. I told Rachel that I was jealous of Michael and Meagan's being close, and she flatout told me 'hun i wouldn't even worry about it..........she's not a nice person so you're not missin much'.

I appreciate Rachel's honesty and I'm not sure whether to be relieved or hurt by this. But Meagan made me think she was!

Ok so she wasn't outright mean to me; or maybe I was too caught up in.........whatever was going on at the time, to.....and it's not like I really made that much of an effort to get to know Meagan.

But no that is not ok ever. You don't take advantage of me. No. Hell no.

and now i don't have to. and i'm sure as hell not going to wait around to. simply because i actually can't. i'm in relapse hell [again]..........stuff w/ my grandmother..........yeah i'd say those are pretty big things.' **____________________________________________________________________________

---

'but, well. I'm going to.

[not that anyone likes to].

Last night during intermission, my mom and I were talking about my grandmother, who, as you all know, has been in hospice for awhile.

And, my mom told me that today she's going to go talk to her dad about funeral plans.

I don't want to speak too soon, but..........I really think this might be it. I also, really hope not, as would anyone.

I want my grandmother's peanut butter cookie recipe, before......yeah.

Yes it's sad, but not a tragedy. The woman's 89, and lasted longer than I thought she would.

I have to keep reminding myself that I know some really strong people, who I can come to.

What I've learned from her?

To be strong, and to try to be ok with things near the end, which she is. There's a certain peace in that. And y'know? I really don't think she'll come back to haunt us.

My mom seems to be ok with me not doing anything, and maybe this is why. She also knows that I want a job and that I've had ideas for where to apply.

Again, don't want to speak too soon.....after all, this is what we thought last summer, so.

I just don't know. As horrible as this is, after, we will know. We won't have to keep waiting.

I don't know how to prepare for this.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

---

'When my dad was driving me back to my place yesterday my grandmother [Dad's mom] informed him that she was getting together w/ some of her neighbors from Littleton, where she moved from. [She lives in downtown Denver now]. One being Betty, who apparently has breast cancer. She had a mastectomy [sp?] approx. a year ago and will now be going through chemo.

Interestingly, about 2, 3 Octobers ago, my grandmother had breast cancer.

Y'know....you never think about what you do in your daily life helping you in recovery after surgery/a car accident, but it does. For instance, I walk everywhere, and I grew up drinking milk, which somehow's correlated with the orthonathic surgery I had a few summers ago. I think it has something to do with the realligning of my jaw bone and the calcium from milk helping bones grow, as we all know.

Betty's nice, from what I recall. She has a cat; she found several under my grandmother's wood pile. What she was doing under the wood pile we don't know. She kept that one cat.

I haven't seen Betty in years, though I wish her the best.

What I'm asking everyone who reads this to do is to keep her in your thoughts, even though you don't know her.

Thank you.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'25th**

..........line but you know it's there.

Well. My grandmother's still here. We went over to their place this morning. My mom read about divorce and seperation in the lives of the pioneer women. One of the women in my mom's choir came over this afternoon to discuss music for the service. I know this because my mom mentioned it earlier. My grandmother was confused as to whether the woman would be there at 2 or 4, which isn't unusual. While reading, my mom asked my grandmother if she ever sawed [there was a photo of a woman sawing] and my grandmother said she didn't know. That's not like her.

She seems comfortable, not in pain. We just.........don't know when it'll be. Could be tomorrow next week the week after.........etc. Is it really fair of me to not want it to happen? Well no. no it's not.

It's like running a race; you can't see the finish line but you know it's there. It could be right around the corner or it could be a few miles down the road.

But would it really be easier if I knew exactly when?

I can't say.

I remember a few years ago when my mom's aunt died; she became quieter, withdrawn.

My mom seems to be how she always is. Still doing taxes, almost done. Oh, she's a CPA for those who don't know. Whereas I've become more depressed. Just as I was after the breakups. Not depressed as in lonely but actually depressed. People deal with these things differently.

I asked my mom how her appt. was [she had one before she picked me up]; well apparently, her client's wife had died. I assume she was in her 80's, as was the client. How was I to know? Had I known I wouldn't've asked.

I only knew 3 family members who've..........you know. gone. And only one I'd ever actually met. Yes it was sad but I barely knew him, so. People will say 'you're lucky to have gotten to know........' whoever. Well, given I'm someone who already has depression.....

I told my grandmother I wanted her peanut butter cookie recipe; my grandfather said he'd take care of it.

But it can wait. Not the recipe. Everything else.

It sure as hell puts all your 'stupid', for lack of a better term [my apologies] little problems into perspective. My mom asked me if I needed to go to Safeway. no..........nor do I need to go to CostCo. not right away. it can wait. safeway.........costco.........getting my heating fixed.........whatever it is. it can wait.

I'm not trying to intentionally belittle anyone's problems; I'm making a point.

I'm scared. And.idinno. depressed. more than a little on edge.

yeah. you would be too.

Um, in other news.

I don't know if I'll get to see Rachel when she comes into town, as she's only here for a few days and to get some of her stuff from the guy she'd been living with.

My sister's apparently having surgery in May. She has a deviated septum and is having something done to her nose. She'll be at a surgery center as opposed to a hospital. Her surgeon is the same guy who was mine back when I had my surgery. He's very good and nice. I emailed her asking if she wanted me to stay with her overnight after her surgery. Since she stayed with me during mine. It's just one of the things sisters do for each other. I also told her about the surgeon.

I want to get her white roses after, since they're her favorite. The small ones, if I can find some. She gave me lilies, my favorite.

Her surgery won't be nearly as extensive as mine was.

*As for the Meagan thing: if she hangs out with us, I'll be nice to her but I'll also keep her at a distance, as it were.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'26th**

'I'm sorry'

yeah that's nice.

but it won't do anything. it won't, for lack of a better term, solve. anything.

Someone says that and it doesn't really go anywhere, after that.

I appreciate the sentiment I just........idinno.

As much as I hate that about America, that we're so quick to solve things. You feel things take a pill you don't feel things take a pill. It's like no one wants to talk, anymore. They'd rather bury their feelings in pills and alcohol.

However, I'll admit that in instances such as headaches, pills do help.

What's weird is that alcohol's legal once you hit 21 and drugs [ok, certain ones] aren't. Well. I've never heard of someone being in a car accident because they were stoned. er, causing one, rather.

Not that drugs can't be deadly, as they can.

I guess.....that's why they have therapists. Because they're very good at being. um. effective. However, that's not my thing and I've gone over why.

To get back to my point.

Thing is though..........there's not much that can be done here, in my grandmother's situation. you can't really be effective.

so you're just stuck'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

---

'So earlier this week I went into Safeway and asked the cashier in the floral dept. if they were hiring. Yeah they're not. She told me that I could go online and fill out an application. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to do that.

I've not really been motivated to get a job, honestly. Spose I could ask at King Soopers, since I'm always over there.

I guess not having a job is better than having one and getting laid off. Or waiting for the whole. process.

My mom knows I went into Safeway and asked.

Maybe once we get this SSI thing worked out they'll help me, I don't know. My mom hasn't heard back from the lawyer or the EBT people. yeah........what else is new.

I know I can do anything I set my mind to. Yeah if I put forth the effort, which, obviously isn't happening.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'27th**

So apparently, on FB, Meagan deleted Michael as a friend.I commented on this, telling Michael I didn't know what to say.

After what Rachel told me about Meagan, I was kindof worried she'd - Meagan - make Alex think she was a nice person. But I decided to let Alex figure this out for herself.

I'm not too upset about it. But I mean, if a friend of yours isn't a nice person, and you are..........it's kinda illogical to be friends.

I remember, a girl I was friends with in middle school. In all honesty she was a bitch. Manipulative, controlling, damaged, intimidating. She was the first person I knew who cut.

Looking back I don't know why I was friends with her. I'm one of the nicest people you'll ever come across. But everyone wants to fit in in middle school, so.

I met Meagan's mom, briefly, at the art show back in Jan. she was nice. I wonder what it's like to be a mom to that kindof person. Or would you have any idea.

I never want to say anything bad about someone but..........I'm glad Meagan did this. Because I never liked her all that much, so. I just hope whatever she's had going on in her own life to make her this way she..........gets worked out.

Michael and Alex know I'm there for them.

Um.

Mary and another friend of mine evidently know each other, which I keep forgetting. Probably because I don't hang out with/contact either one of them. Much. Well, and Mary and Michael stopped hanging out, so.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'I remember when I lived down in FL, a friend and I were walking to Blockbuster. On the way we saw these 2 little girls in a truck bed/back of a truck. We didn't see their mother anywhere. When we talked to the girls we learned they spoke Spanish.

We went inside Blockbuster where we told a clerk about this; he wasn't much help.

I actually wasn't too sure what to do about that. So we didn't get very far.

The whole incident just seemed very irresponsible, from my side.

But maybe that's a South Florida thing, I really can't say.

So apparently, up in.........Wisconsin, I think it is, they don't lock their doors. They also don't lock their doors on tv shows. Are we to assume the world's a safe place? It's not.

Well, but that's just me.

My mom taught me, among other things, to always lock the door, never let in anyone you don't know or aren't expecting. Which I still do.

And in Denmark, they leave their babies in the prams [old-fashioned baby carriages] in the er.........outside. overnight. Aren't they afraid? Guess not.

I guess I'm so used to being safe...........I mean, not that they're not safe [and I really can't say, having never met anyone from Denmark] but their definiton is probably different from mine.

Whenever I see a child, even if his parents are coming out the door in a minute, I wonder where they are.

This past summer, Kate and I were down at Maggiano's. I saw a little boy walking out the door. I mentioned this to Kate, who said 'I'm sure they're coming', 'they' being his parents.

She was right.

But I guess if you saw a woman my age observing your little boy then yeah, I can see how that'd be a bit off. It'd be even moreso if it was a guy.

Is it just me? Am I the only one who thinks this?

Then again, according to my mom, being the older sibling I've always been the more careful one.

On that note, why can't [ok well it's not that we can't.....] women go out alone after dark?

Ok I know why. I'm stating that to make a point. Fewer people are out after dark. And women have just much as a right as men do to be out after dark.

It goes without saying, that men are better equipped to defend themselves if something goes awry.

I never really had a curfew. Because I never went out after dark. My mom let me go out by myself when I was13. Having lived in that neighborhood for.........about 12 years myself, I knew the area well. The rule was, be home by dinner and/or the time it gets dark.

Not that we ever had dinner together, as we didn't, but there'd always been a set time for dinner.

It never ocurred to me untill today; parents will trust a babysitter they don't know that well [again, not a parent so I really can't say] with their children more than they'll trust their children to stay home alone.

What's ironic is that I'm more wary of people I don't know than people I do know. And yet 90% of assaults are commited by someone you know.

On that subject.

I just learned this; the 60's were when women started to realise that if something was unfair, they could do something about it. Sex, however, was still taboo. Talking about it, that is. And the subject of assault was touched upon.

So, this has me wondering; before then, how many more assaults went unreported than today.

There are certain things they still don't go over in Sex. Ed., which, they really should.

Such as..........that assault can happen more than one way.

So, I know that back then, people didn't talk about sex/menstruation/etc. Other than 'it just wasn't done', why? Was it because it was inpure, unclean? **____________________________________________________________________________

---

'What does your online diary name mean, and why did you pick it? Lily, because:

1: they're my favorite flowers, 2: one of my ancestors was named Lillias and 3: it's what my mom's name means and it's her birth flower

Vanilla: not sure why. I like the scent.

When did you first get an online diary? Oh god, um.......I don't know. I had my MySpace one before this one, and I've had that one since high school. Actually, I think I've had both since high school.

How did you find OpenDiary.com? Don't remeber

Why did you start an online diary? I don't remember the original reason. I like to write. A lot, obviously.

When writing an entry, do you believe you are writing for you or the reader? I suppose I mainly write for the reader.

When writing an entry, are you completely honest? Yeah. I've never lied or conveyed any information that I did not, at the time, to believe the truth.

Is anyone that you know (in real life) allowed to read your diary? i've never liked the phrase 'real life'. like, as opposed to..........? It was Frida who once said; "i don't paint dreams or fantasy i paint my own reality". Or, when people refer to 'the real world'. What other world is there? Yes ok the virtual one.

Oh, and yes.

(Real life friend.. What a funny phrase. As if my existance and interactions on this website are all fake.....)

Do you know anyone in real life with a diary, which you are allowed to read? yes

Has anyone found your diary that you really didn't want to find it? No. Anything worth reading is favourites only.

Do you believe writing in your online diary is therapeutic? Yeah, definetely. I normally feel a bit better after letting my thoughts pour forth unto the keyboard..

How many entries do you have? Oh wow. over 1,000.

Do you have any entries that are private? Yes

How many favourites do you have? Not sure, probably........around 10 - 20. I really need to get caught up on those entries.

Do you know who your first favourite was? Good heavens no.

Your entire faves list has updated - whose entry do you go and read first? Second? Third? Fourth? And fifth? Any particular reason? Steph [deadheart]. We're good friends.

If you could meet any of your faves in real life (and you knew for sure they weren't an axe murderer), who would you pick and why? Um. Steph. or James [Comrade].

Do you talk to your faves online? Well, via email, yeah. I don't, like. IM them. anymore.

Have you ever written an entry while too intoxicated? No. But I've never been too intoxicated.

Do you feel accepted by the diary community? Eh..............I don't, not, feel accepted. Well, obviously or else I wouldn't write.

Have you ever read an entry that really moved you? Oh sure. Kate's [cosmic's] are like that.

What are your favourite kinds of entries to read? A variety, for sure. I read funny entries, romantic entries, informative entries, thought-provoking entries, and of course, just normal entries about ones day/life which are just as interesting!

After writing an entry, how long do you wait to see if you have notes? Usually 24 hrs. No, less.

If you don't have notes, do you feel let down? Um.....a bit, yeah, I'll be honest. For me, notes are a way of letting the person know you've read their entry. You've paid attention. Like, when you're in class and you ask questions.

How many notes do you usually get? See, I have this weird thing w/ notes; if I have 4 notes about an entry I'll write a new one. And to answer the question, around 2, 3 per entry. But I have this thing w/ even numbers, so.

Have you ever left a note on a person's diary, just to make them feel better? Yeah

Do you keep a paper copy of your online diary? No. Interesting idea though.

Do you go back and reread your past entries? No, not usually. Well, unless it's to edit them.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'28th**

As usual, Sunday update.

My week was........ok. long, as was my day.

I went somewhere.........um. I lately have had this vague sense of knowing I went somewhere, but not remembering where.

Oh, I went to Blockbuster. got 2 posters from the new Alice movie. I have around 10 posters that aren't up. The posters are of Alice and the Cheshire.

Speaking of cats, a few weeks ago on 9News, at the end they had this gorgeous dark hair, short hair. Really small. Incredible eye contact. She had a very calming presence.

The Blockbuster by my place is closing, but they haven't told us when. I don't know what store is going to be in its place, but maybe I could work there.

I was up at 8:23, which is oddly late for me, as I've been waking up at 7.

Today was really nice. Beautiful weather. 56F. But I'm one of those girls who wears a coat even in this weather, so. Well. Some people are colder than others, as mysister pointed out. Long as I'm comfortable, which I am.

I guess it doesn't occur to me that someone my.......um, body size would be colder. But it doesn't occur to me off the top of my head that they wouldn't. And even if I'm not I'm not bothered by it. I love those warm days where it feels like a sauna. I know a lot of people don't but being that I'm cold to begin with...........

there's something about heat that makes me sleepy. and wanting sex. ok well not that much. But spring.........blooms.......flowers......eggs/easter. Yeah, that all makes sense.

Speaking of Easter/spring.........

I saw a squirrel today. It was being squirrely. Oh, and I saw a dog. Small, off white, curly hair. It was funny. In the way that certain dogs have a funny way of moving. I saw a black cocker spaniel the other day; it was really pretty.

The one thing I don't like about spring is that there are more people out, and I don't like people, so.

I need to mail Kate her Easter card.

Last night the movie '9 To 5' was on tv. I liked it, it was funny. My mom's choir did the title song at their lastshow.

I watched 'Taking Woodstock' the other day; I ended up liking it. It was more of a quieter comedy.

I haven't hung out w/ Michael since we last hung out, which was a few weeks ago, but I get the feeling he might want to soon. I'd love to go to the mountains again. The high altitudes make me slightly dizzy, the last time we went. Which is funny because I live in Denver, which is at a high altitude itself.

I've been eating a new kind of pasta, the corkscrew kind. It's.....easier to microwave. With spaghetti, because of my OCD, I have to break it and make sure the ends match which is just. such a bother. I guess if they don't - and I've never tried that - it doesn't feel........complete, is the best way to put it.

What's a good brand/kind of organic pasta?

So, hm.

My shoulder's been hurting lately, as have my legs. Well, they hurt sometimes anyhow because of my eating disorder. But it's a different kind of pain. Actually, it's gone away. I think the reason was because my shoes were on the wrong feet for an extended period of time.

Well, not so much my shoulder as the place between your shoulder and your neck. Would that be part of your shoulder? Advil seems to help.

The moon's out tonight, a full one. she's so beautiful up there. I love the moon, always have. In FL, whenever we had a full moon, she was much bigger, rounder. My grandmother calls the full mooon after the first one the 'harvest moon'. The moon's calm, just up there all beautiful.

While we're [ok, I'm] on the subject, .......................

*of moons, the night terrors are back. They're not so much terrors as......weird. I've been thinking it might help me to write them down, exactly what I see. but I'm afraid that'll make them more real. so.

When I mentioned them to Kate, she wasn't all that helpful; she dismissed them.

I think, it might have something to do with my sleeping position, not sure exactly what.

It occured to me that I don't think I mentioned them to Michael, which is weird because he knows most things about me.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'29th**

from 'Funny Girl'. like the song like the movie like Streissand. Oh, and Glee's cover of the song.

Glee's coming back! yayyy! I know I'm excited.

There's a certain unity to performing. Back in high school I was in 2 plays. And every Friday at lunch my senior year we went into the drama roomand read our poetry.

I miss that.

Today. was interesting. not great.

I woke up at 8;23, then again at 10:33. Saw 'Remember Me'.

While walking to the bus stop a guy asked me how I was doing and I said 'ok'. As though he really cared. No I don't mean to be rude. Most people ask that question to be polite.

I usually won't say hi unless the other person says it first. I mean, I'm not flatout rude, nor do I try to be. I just a; keep to myself and 2; prefer not to make small talk. If you say 'hi' to me I won't........not. say it back.

It's not that I'm conceited - although I get how my being quiet and reserved would make someone think that - it's that I'm shy, actually. I don't like small talk which, ironically, is for precisely that. people who don't like small talk.

While waiting for the bus 2 women asked me for help.

On the mall shuttle, these 2 women got on and bumped into me - it was fairly crowded - and didn't say 'excuse me'. They were laughing. I don't think they were laughing about that though, because the laughter started before the bump happened. It was rude. and annoying. I was relieved when they got off.

At the movies a couple sat a few seats away from me. They laughed/talked throughout the movie. yeah it was a bit distracting. I think the girl was texting because her phone kept lighting up. This was very distracting. I didn't realise how distracting untill this afternoon. Because I don't have texting I'll sometimes check my phone for the time, but I usually cover the light.......thing w/ my hand. And because I'm not one to cause trouble I didn't say anything to the couple.

I don't think they were laughing at me, although that's possible. They could've been that immature. But there's a difference between laughing at a friend of yours who's like, doing something ridiclous - i.e., when Michael informed me I was cutting w/ the knife upside down; he said something to the effect of "well I was debating telling you that but then you'd feel like a damn fool". oh, well thank you. However, apparently you can cut w/ a knife upside-down. you can also spread butter w/ a fork, though it's very difficult. - and laughing at a random person. And, there's a difference between laughing at something funny someone's done and laughing........you know. at someone.

I pretty much live by the saying, if you don't have anything nice to do/say then. well. shut it. However, I don't always practice this. But I try.

So, I liked the movie, but I didn't like the girl who played Allie [sp?]. I didn't think she was that pretty, or that good of an actress. But that's just me. I really related to Caroline.

It's been my assumption that people do immature things only when they're school-age. by which I mean they've grown up by the time they hit their 20's. One would hope. Well evidently, I'm wrong.

Also, because when I was little people were that immature, so oftentimes when I hear people my age laughing, I just assume....it's at me. However not everyone's like that. I''m not, and that's precisely why.

While we're on the subject......oftentimes I'll laugh at something that's not meant to be funny and then I'll question that which, for some reason, makes me laugh more.

In CO, people are friendly. well. they're not rude. but every so often I'll come across someone who is, and it's time like those that make me want to hangout w/ Michael, which I've wanted to do anyway. I phoned him, asking if he wanted to. Well it's now 9:40 [p.m.] and he hasn't phoned back, so.

It's not his fault, really..........but, you know. the whole 'line of fire' thing.'

**________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

'31st**

Mom hasn't told Kate about our grandmother. Which. Well, I thought it was a pretty big thing, that, our grandmother might be. you know. I don't know why Mom hasn't told her. I mean, that seems like something you'd want your daughter to know.

*no I'm not actually asking why.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'I had a sudden memory.

When I was little, in science class, we watched a documentary on aliens. Well, it absolutely terrified me. Actually, an alien autopsy, rather.

It terrified me to the point where I couldn't sleep.

And..........Night Terrors do the same thing. They don't come as often.

I'm wondering if there's some kind of correlation here.....I don't know exactly what...... '

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'So, the last time I did one of these it blew up at my face. Which is why this won't allow for notes.

1: you're the nice girl I borrowed my surveys from, and now I can't find you on here. Did you disappear or change your diary name/title, or.....? I liked reading your surveys. I kindof miss you.

2: Oh where do I start? We've had our problems. You keep frustrating me so it's pretty hard for me to let you back into my life. You've also disappointed me and made me feel incompetent. Also, the lack of apostrophes thing? yeah, not cute.

The last time we hung out I thought 1; you'd stay longer and B; there'd be some intimacy, neitherof which happened. Ok so it's not like we said you'd stay a certain amount of time. But you always had before. And I always assume there'll be intimacy.

When I talked to you about the puppets, you explained it to me as though I was 5. And you actually brought the Vaseline to me. Like I was 5. If I want something I'm perfectly capable of getting up and getting it myself. I'm clearly not 5.

I don't bake because the last time I did I was reminded of how anxious I am. Ya know, next time just let me do my thing. I don't need [by which I mean I don't want] you telling me not to move something because nothing will happen if I don't.

3: Ok I'm confused. I email you and you say you're always on FB. So, I message you there hoping to keep in contact with you more. And........apparently you don't want to contact me via FB? I don't understand.

4: More notes please. :). I write not only to write but also for notes.

5: It took this long for me to be frustrated with you, which is pretty amazing as usually, it's less for most people. But you're not most people. Obviously. You said, 'it happens'. Yeah as though it's that simple. If you get it then why is it frustrating?

6: So apparently, youre not a nice person. Alrite some people just aren't. But why do you have to make people think you are? Can't you just be genuinely........not nice. well apparently not.

7: You're the reason I don't do art much anymore

8: I'm starting to miss you. It's been 5 months and a day.'

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'what are some good questions to ask for getting to know people?

*EDIT: sorry. I have trouble coming up with questions off the top of my head, so what are some you ask?

I know this is vague but that's sortof the point. I'm asking for specific questions.

*the ones I've thought up so far are..........3 favorite animals and why, favorite time of day and why and have clouds always existed.

thank you!

:) '

**____________________________________________________________________________

---

'So. As mentioned, I don't like people. They're loud, in the way and have no sense of personal space.

Ok, some people. Not me. As well as some others.

Whenever I'm about to pass someone on the sidewalk I move. Passing someone means not only them invading my personal space but it might mean having to talk to them.

It's like........I don't want to interact with people. I mean, I'll smile [no not at someone, just when I see someone] but that's it.

I don't go to places to interact. I know that if I'm at the store, for instance I might have to make small talk, but that's not why I'm there. I'm there to buy my groceries.

The reason I have an issue with personal space is because it raises my anxiety.

And the reason I try not to be in other people's is because I assume it bothers them.

The reason I'm quiet [but god can I ramble] - untill you get to know me, that is and then I won't shut up - is because it's what I'm attracted to. And, my family's quiet.

It's weird; I don't like people but I like senior citizens. But see, they're quiet. And since they really can't do much, they'r e not in your personal space.

I remember we [being my dorm] did an excercise [I'm fully aware that isn't spelled right; but it's how I read/say it]; we all stood um......based on our personal space. I was all the way out the door.

I meant. To stand based on the amount of personal space we were comfortable with.

Unless I know you well enough.......yeah.

I also, I've discovered, don't like the whole trapping thing. When a guy puts one arm around a girl and the other like, on his lef or something and sort of 'traps' her. But that's just me.

I have this weird thing with cars...........I don't like it when they stop and wait, as embarassing as it is for me to admit. I know yes that pedestrians have the right and such. But I think that they're [being the people in the cars] looking at me for more than a minute, or so. Which, feels. awkward.

So I will stand there and wait. This is why it takes me so long to get to places.

I'm easily the most stubborn person I know because of this.

I've never not waited, unless I'm with a friend. And then it's because it's what they do. Also it kindof creates a distraction.

It was actually really embarassing to admit.

I also don't like being touched. According to my mother, I never have. I'm not really sure why..........well, unless I know you well enough.

I walk fast, according to my mom. But see, I don't think I walk fast because I'm so used to it and therefore I think I walk at a normal speed. Other people walk slow, to me. Though, to them they probbly don't think so.

If there's one thing I am, it's interesting, based on the above'

---

'