Atlas in Magma

Life isn't complicated for me, it's just the sheer volume of stuff happening all at once.

-Being a dad -Being a husband -Leading your father's construction company by yourself while your father runs the production of work -Being myself

There is much to juggle, but not difficult stuff or so I perceive.

I just always feel like I never have enough time to complete everything, no matter how well I put myself into frame to dash headstrong with a well built agenda to knock down tasks it feels like a moment of self destruct as I barrel through it. As if the very mechanics which I have practiced time and time again painstakingly should leap me ahead, advance my cause and all that shit.

But no, that is not the case.

Trying so hard is wearing me down. Many mornings I just wish to take that blanket and cover myself up to the world and let things happen without me in them. To hide, but I don't hide, I don't know how.

I just want a breather, a moment of relief that perhaps I can catch up mentally to the warfare of tasks which my reality has taken upon me.

I often wish that there was a magical stopwatch that could simply freeze time when I needed. For example on the weekends when the kids are asleep for their afternoon nap and my wife is working on her house work and I am outside working on yard chores. I know once the kids are up it's all over, I can't operate the chainsaw, heavy machinery or be free to climb ladders when needed for fear that I'll hear the familiar words "daddy, up" from my daughter and catch her six rungs up the ladder and giggling at me as I look down. Or my son getting ideas when he sees the chainsaw sitting there hot after I've used it.

This is the reason I do these things ONLY when they are not around but this mentality limits me entirely.

Anyhow, this is all for now. I am hungry and tired and need to get some sleep.

Be well, dream deep.