May in The Wonderland Years: 2011: entries, 1/2 done

'1st

There's one reason I don't like this time of year: it's warm.

Actually I love the warmth. But the warmth brings out the people which is what I don't like about it. Being that I don't like people. and it's not even that I don't like them. It's that they unnerve me. and I don't even know why. nor am i asking. So Please. Don't read too much into that.

I'm mildly agoraphobic according to my last therapist. I don't remember what she said that hinted at that. [this was back in college]. It's not so bad that I can't leave the hoiuse. It can be for some people. It's not that I like being agoraphobic as that I'm indifferent I don't care one way or the other. I don't want to change it because, as said.

It's a very sad disorder. very sad.

Very few people know that I actually am agoraphobic. My family certainly doesnt.All they know is that I don't like people. They don't know that it's on a bigger scale than that. I don't want to be looked at differently i guess. [either that or i don't want to open up].

See this is why I can't have plants. Plants as everyone knows need light. And when it's light out there are people. I don't mind the light. If I lived 17 floors up in an apt building then I could prolly have the blinds open and since I'd be so far up no one would care. But I don't. In order to get to my living room you have to go up the stairs. there's the front door, stairs and then the actual place. I've pretty much killed all the plants I've ever had because of this. Again, it's sad but I see that more as fact. It is how it is. and i'm not terribly upset about it.

I have flowers. which I don't see as plants even though, they technically are. By 'plants' I mean plants that you actually. you know. plant. Whereas w/ flowers you just get them at the store and stick them in water. and maybe add sugar if you want. it apparently helps them last longer. as does putting ice cubes in the vase/cups. because you know how, when you go to a floral shop they're in the freezer? it's the same thing.

Not that you have to do this. It's just what I do.

And, I don't ever throw away dead flowers. just because they're dead doesn't make them any less pretty. Also. it seems weird to me that anyone would throw away things that aren't actual trash, by which i mean paper products and food.

In a way, agoraphobia's a survival tactic. If I don't like people then I don't get close to them and then. i don't get hurt.

I don't think it's very known. Nowadays in the news we have stories about depression [well. more, commercials for meds for depression] and sexuality and when I was in college, eating disorders. oh but no one raises awareness about agoraphobia. And in a way it's kindof funny: since people w/ agoraphobia don't like people they'd pretty much avoid them and therefore wouldn't be out.

And yes I know that's not what agoraphobia means.'

'For the first time in what seems like forever I miss her. Lindsey. because. she would['ve] understood this situation so perfectly. because she gets it. she gets. me.

It's, really kindof my fault we stopped talking. You know. I mean I got frustrated. we distanced ourselves from each other. If I hadn't said anything. maybe we wouldn't've stopped. talking. hanging out.

or, if she hadn't moved. please don't misunderstand; i'm not blaming her for that. the economy sucks we all know that. it has for years. but that's her own personal story to tell, if and when she wants to. as to why she moved.

she never writes anymore. not on here, anymore. i miss those entries. it let me know how she was. now we barely talk. I phone her she phones back 2 weeks later if that, even. I miss what we had. if we ever did have anything. I remember, we slept together. Not....not like that. not sexually. As in, in the same bed. It meant something, ya know? It meant a lot.

I remember, when we were in the living room of my parents'. on the couch. we were watching Thirteen a hard movie to watch. for me. she had her hand on my shoulder, weighing me. down.

weighing me. as though she's a scale.

I was afraid of my mom. um. [as i had been for years but that's not the point]. seeing us, like that. it's not like, in those moments, we were doing anything more than cuddling. which seemed like a big deal at the time. Or maybe it was that I'd only been intimate w/ 2 people in my parents. place. Lindsey and......and. my ex. [the one who assaulted me].

My mom was "totally cool", as it were. w/ it though.

or maybe Lindsey and I were just experimenting i still don't know. she knew me inside and out and she was honest. which....led to my frustrations. if. if she's reading this, i'm sorry.

I still want to work things out. But, as I'm now discovering, time passes and eventually the wanting. fades. It's all water under the bridge. But, see,.......the thing about water is that we need it to survive. It also destroys things. i know i've always loved it. How that metaphor correlates to my current situation other than the expression I'm not sure. but i know it's there. i can feel it.

I remember, we were......somewhere perhaps my place. It was dark i mean the living room was. dark. She took a sip of fruit punch from that big polka dot cup her body curved back arched. and god she was beautiful in that moment. I didn't take a picture of it it exists only in my memory. as Rose said in Titanic.

When we first met Lindsey was thin bout as thin as I am now. and over time she gained. weight. well obviously weight though one can also gain knowledge. And that wasn't at all bad. Different but certainly not bad. her curves i.......i found them luscious.

This is the most I've written about her in awhile. Ever, maybe.

In another memory, I was living down in Florida. It was early morning and I'd just cut maybe 4 a.m. On my hip near to.......near. there. I texted her [at the time i had texting] telling her and she phoned me about it. that's all i remember.

In another one, we were at her place having a photo shoot. black and white. There are photos from that day on my FB still. she was. stunning. long thin tall long hair looking into the camera. I wonder what happened to the photos of me. i've never asked.

She was my first kiss w/ a girl. I wrote about that in my MySpace. I smile as I write that, embarassed. she was a good kisser. it was midnight.

In another instance, it was summer. The summer Mom hit.......she..........she hit Kate. another hard thing to write about. I phoned Lindsey......and I phoned her the day I discovered through my former therapist my dad had Asperger's.

She even inspired a story of mine.

She cares so much, about everyone.

But now...........that's all gone. And I still don't want it to be. Maybe I'm just holding onto some fairytale that can never be real. and yeah that hurts it hurts a fukin lot. but what's new there right? sure it'd be great to be where we. were. back to what we had. But what we want and what we get are often 2 different things. And this. this is one of them.

Now the way I've written this you'd think she's. well, dead. No Lindsey's still here. In fact it was just her birthday the end of last month. happy birthday if you're out there reading this. or, even if you're/she's not.

It's very sad that our connection's not as strong. very sad. Putting entirely aside the blame.

I hate needing people but yeah i need her. quarter after 1 i'm all alone and i need you now. amazing how present that song's been in my life these last few weeks. every time we say goodbye i die a little...in the words of Jimmy Scott. a '30's jazz singer.

All I ask, as I always do, is that you're careful and kind noting me. If you can't do that then please, again. Don't note. You don't have to like it but, you know. respect it. Don't verbally attack me that's the last thing I need. And, actually....that's the last thing any of us really needs. I don't do that to you and I expect the same in return. Esp. since this is a very heartfelt fragile entry.'

'Before I start I'm going to point out that I haven't gotten stoned in 2 weeks going on 3. not that I'm counting since really. i'm not.

I haven't for 2 reasons. 1, I have this certain order in which I do things. Since I'm apparently getting a new printer this means I don't have one. obviously. [or maybe it wasn't so]. which means I can't print out my poetry and make collages. which means my art's on hold.

and then after all this art business, i get stoned.

Secondly. my sister'll be here in a few weeks. And she'll know right away being that she used to be addicted to coke. So.........yeah.

Now I'm not addicted. i just like it. In fact I love it. [not to coke. i mean, nutmeg].

There's a line from the song 'cherry bomb' that goes 'give ya something to live for'. and that's what being stoned does for me. it gives me something to look to. er. forward, to.

i don't need meds i don't need people i don't need writing. i have being stoned and that's enough for me. Other than being sick/intimate/asleep it's the time when i'm not doing a million things at once. I'm actually horrible at doing nothing. which is funntycuz that's all I do. Right now for instance I'm watching breaking news, doing this and listening to Bowie. the song 'five years' is part of my current playlist.

I couldn't stand uppers. that would be too much for me. it'd be..........freakin insane. intense. all that anxiety and high energy? just. no. just like i can't be around high energy people.

It's incredibly surreal when you realise you can get stoned literally all day or cut or not eat or. sleep. or. drink. because you live by yourself. The only time I see people I actually know is once a week. I'm very isolated. which is precisely why i can.

No it is socially acceptable for me to do this. Because I'm already e asily confused. already fairly mellow.

I live a surreal life, in a way. it makes life less boring.

There are some people out there who are 'i won't ever touch drugs'. god even i'm not that pure that. good.

The hangover's a bitch. [and yes you can get a drug hangover]. coming down sucks. omygod.

Have you ever read Black Like Me? well me neither though i have it bought it last year. [actually i don't know whether you have or haven't]. I want to read it. In a way, cutting, being stoned, my decade long [good lord. really?] eating disorder is like that. At first, I wanted to do it becuase I was curious. And truthfully I've always been fascinated by the world of drugs. of how it felt.........well. it's pretty damn electrifying. and perfectly legal too. Generic nutmeg's a freakin dollar! a dollar! but obviously most people don't use it to get stoned.'

'2nd

I guess it would be 'and I'.

So over the weekend I finished Neon Angel. about Cherie Currie of the Runaways. a great band. it was really good. and. triggering. She's an amazing woman. sex, drugs and rock n roll? yeah i'd say so. It's kindof amazing to know all the crap she went through by the time she turned 20. Apparently she was assaulted twice. I was only assaulted once and mine wasn't nearly as extensive. She had a near fatal drug addiction. I relate to her, bc of the assault. She's similar to Kate in the drug addiction.

The relationship between Marie [her sister] and her reminded me of the one between Kate and I. because we're distanced. I don't tell her everything. She knows about 30% of what I've written here. she's judgemental tells me how to live my life. Once someone assumed she was actually my older sister because of this. No. Kate's 21 I'm 23.

If I were to write a book it'd be entitled The Wonderland Years. big surprise there. But I wouldn't want, oh, my family for instance to know what really had gone on in my life up to now. We're not close and i can't shatter that image. I'm actually a very dark person. not that they've reason to believe otherwise. and not that I've given them any. And I won't. There's a lot they don't know. Eating disorders, relationships, cutting, addictions, depression.......distrust. blah blah frekin blah. something bordering on the edge of "abuse". assault.

ok i think you get it

So I'd definately reccomend it.

As always with notes, be nice or shut it.'

'I've apparent plans for today. My mom and I are going to see Water For Elephants at 12. i love elephants. and water lol. I've not read the book. I've been wanting to see the movie. and read the book.

And then after, we're vising South where I spent the latter half of high school. The former half was spent at boarding school in Vermont. We won't stay long. I only want to visit a few people.......my drama/English teacher [also the host of poetry nights and director of school shows]. She's warm. Just......took me in. The counsellor. just because. My other counsellor, though not guidance. that was the weirdest thing to me when I got there. And one of my art teachers. who's lovely. they're all nice. I've wanted to visit South for awhile.

so that'll be nice.'

'So my mom and I went and saw Water For Elephants. I liked it. i also liked the music. It reminded me of DeLovely and Phantom. They were so mean to the elephant. well the circus owner was. And I love elephants. absolutely adore them. The elephant in the movie was so so beautiful. she was just so good..........idk if animals can be good or not so good, like people. But were the elephant a person she'd be an extraordinarily good person. so sweet and gentle and protective. They're very spiritual animals.

I wanted to stand up and go 'no!'. I'm clearly passionate about mistreating animals and humans. It's interesting how something that big and intimidating can be protective and almost. safe. oh she was so good.

It reminded me of Phantom bc they were mean to both the phantom and the elephant. and then the elephant saved the day yay! she seemed to really understand human connection. the interactions.

i think i'm in love w/ her.........lol

Apparently when I was 4 I sat on an elephant and scared all the grandmothers, according to my mom. which i don't remember.

The movie was also triggering. Sometimes, it's better to let someone die than try and 'fix' them. that's how it is w/ my dad's mom. I mean yeah it's sad when an animal has to be put down but it's for the best. And that we're all illusionists. i certainly am. it's something i've become very good at.

And it reminded me of Benjamin Button.

for those of you who've seen the movie Anastasia, there's a line from the song 'once upon a december' that goes 'dancing bears painted wings'. Once upon a time back in the day dancing bears were an actual act. i mean, wow.

The circus owner was hard to figure out, really hard. he was so.........idinno awful but you also got the sense he was troubled. he was remorseful.

The movie made me ponder the question what's the line between discpline and abuse? Well for me that's a very fine line. very fine. From my experience anyway. It reminded me of the things my mom has said to me over the years...........

The end reminded me of a Chaplin fim, the black and white.'

'3rd

currently 6:10 a.m.

not in a bad way.......the sun gets up about 5:40. and then it goes to bed ['goes to bed'. as though it's a person] about. um. 6, 7, 8?

The mornings feel earlier because of this. time starts out slower and then it speeds up. 'course, i've been up between 3 and 4 the past 2 days. so by the time 3, 4 p.m. rolls around i'm pretty tired. after 12 hrs i........well, as said. get tired.

idinno just an obersvance'

''He' being Bin Laden.

Ok I don't see how killing someone for murdering someone else is teaching us anything. Now from a guilty vs. innocent standpoint it's a bit unbalanced. And it won't bring the people who died in the crashes back. And he has a lot of supports, from what I've heard. So it won't ever stop, really. It's like the people who say it's 'wrong' to kill and then kill bugs.

Yeah ok so he murdered people........but didn't the soldiers or whoever also do the same thing by murdering him? just because you put ont person away doesn't mean there aren't people like him out there. because they are. I'm certainly not saying to not put them away......I'm saying, that it won't ssop everything.'

'so in a few months I'll be 24 which is. terrifying. I don't want to get old. not that that's "old" not really. 40 is old. when I'm 40 yall can start referring to me as 'ma'am'.

I'll be in London for my 24th though. yay. and I love/d London. w/ my mom. I turned 21 in Paris. that was a good age as was 23. I remember I was terrified to turn 13.'

'I've had a good day. Today has definately been a good day. [4:15 p.m. atm].

Nothing terribly monumental happened it was just. good. I woke up like I said between 3 and 4 a.m. for no apparent reason other than I was just up. A few hours later I rearranged one of my drawers. watched The Today Show. it was interesting. Dick Van Dyke, Isiah Washington and Steven Tyler were on. they had a segment on frozen vs. fresh foods. Dick Van Dyke reminds me of Tony Bennet. who seems like a nice guy. but I don't like his voice. he did a duet w/ K.D. Lang who I love. I've seen the show Mary Poppins. it's charming and sad. I don't know anyone who doesn't like Julie Andrews. not that i've asked it just seems like most would since she's such a lovely sweet lady. Steven Tyler's definately out there and up untill recently I only knew about his one daughter Liv. he has another one. they're both pretty. I don't like Steven's voice either but 'dream on' 's a great song.

So at 10 I went and got a smoothie. It was my first smoothie of the season yay! yes i do celebrate/get excited over the stupid silly trivial.......little. things. strawberry banana. they have tea lattes now. i want to try them. The cashier's name was Marius. he had an accent i couldn't tell from where.

so came home watched tv. ended up watching The Doctors which is a doctors. talk show. it's interesting you learn stuff. and one of them's from CO. this show was about taking time for your health. at the very end they always have their doctor's orders. and one of the doctors said that we watch other people and see what they're wearing [that's one reason i like tv] and take time for them even though we can't talk to the tv people as i wrote in a poem of mine. and.........but there's someone else much more important: you. i thought that was sweet.

it's great and a great comfort to be reminded of that even if you don't know the person and they don't know you

So.......then I went to Chipotle. not very crowded but i was the last person in line. which i didn't mind, really. I looked at the menu. they had something called panz........olne? no that probably isn't it. it's Mexican. oh and hominy which i keep meaning to look up. it's in a soup of theirs. I listened to the music. I think I like that place not only bc of the music but also bc it's calm. i like the people they're nice. not overly so but.........i've never had a bad customer experience. i got my usual chips and guacomole. because it's Tuesday and Glee is on and that's my thing. :). it's nice to have those things. and. i love guacomole. also know how to make it.

got home in time for Ellen which i hadn't planned but it's also nice. On my way home there was a senior citizen going ahead of me. i waited for him. I passed a woman sitting waiting. turned out, she wasn't reading. had she been i'd have liked to know what book as i always do. she was looking at her phone.

Steve Martin was on Ellen. i like him. he seems quiet. he's funny.

I watched the latter half of Dr. Phil, interesting. and now........I'm watching Oprah w/ Shania Twain. she's so pretty. Shania although Oprah also. I didn't know much about Shania before this. other than Oprah interrupts as we all do including me and she's a bit egotistical I like her. I want to read Shania's book. i've been really into biographies lately.

so I learned stuff today. oh I also did laundry this morning. I'm currently reading and almost done w/ Saving Max by Antoinette Van Hengten. it's really good. it's written in 3rd person but like a Piccoult book in that you're not as disconnected. it takes an unexpected twist and much like V.C. Andrews it's dark and twisted.

It was warm and sunny this morning and now it's cloudy. though it wasn't as warm as i'd have liked it to be for a smoothie. the smoothie was ok I also got a blueberry muffin which was good bigger than the muffins I make. not that that's bad just different. I tipped the Chipotle people as always.

and that's been my day'

'4th

.........she'd buy the flowers herself.

i've not read that book.

brrr.

currently: 7:25 p.m.

watching: Minute To Win It

I'm cold. well I mean I'm perpetually cold as of late anyway but even moreso bc my heat's not working. Not that you need heat in the summer. well i might. And my AC which I don't use doesn't work either.

I've warmed myself w/ blankets, so. figured out a solution.

I think my pilot light's out. er. out. no not 'out' it's just unlit. When I turn the heat on I hear it click and then it doesn't do anything. so I'll email my dad about it next week.

Oh, I made a mistake in my last entry. My mom's going to be 56 not 57.

On to today. At 7:09 my mom phones waking me up. i'm not annoyed. waking up at 7 is late for me. she tells me we're going to run errands.

I get ready she gets to my place around 9. We went to their [my parents'] place for. something. [i sound like my mom]. oh! She orders a new printer. and I help her w/ her email. she has Outlook Express for her clients [she's a CPA] and it wouldn't work. i showed her how to sign in and then back in again. and then it worked. for everyone else she has MSN/Hotmail. as do I. Stevie [the dog] 's there as usual.

So we go to the garden. she has a plot at Botanic. we thin the radish plants. and she waters.

Oh and then we go to the actual garden which is huge. and very nice. we walk by the tulips I ask if Holland [my parents have been there] was like that. My mom told Kate their tulip experience was like Alice In Wonderland. My mom says it wasn't bc the tulips in Holland were much more. er. there were much more of them. I see 3 different kinds. The standard kind, a kind w/ triangle um. petals. and a kind w/ feather-y petals. The yellow and black tulips remind me of bees w/ their colors. The red and orange ones remind me of fire.

We walk through the garden seeing pansies, vicna, redbud, lilacs, peonies and others. My mom tells me how when she was in high school a friend and herself would climb over the now gone fence and sneak into the garden. they'd sit by the now gone pond. He [the friend] sounds like a nice guy. at one point when she climbed over the fence she cut her leg and falls. she's wearing a skirt [weird, since my mom only wears pants. but that's how it was back then] and when she falls she lands rather. undignified. Her friend doesn't say anything about this though.

Part of the garden reminds me of The River [where i was assaulted 6 yrs ago] due to its seclusion which I don't like. I think I handled that well reminded myself to breathe. And that led me to think of Him.......my ex who assaulted me. and how yes there were some good parts.....for instance we cooked together i think we made garlic bread. At that moment today I realised I hated today. not bc it was bad but bc of the reminders.

We start going out of the secluded area and up ahead we see a building. I'm reminded of Central Park. which is the same way. big and.......an oasis. i like that word. oasis.

The peonies we see aren't the ones you see in stores. they're smaller. not as full.

We walk by the tents where they're having a plant sale. they're selling raspberries among others. yum. we didn't buy any.

Then the store where we get meat, milk, tea, cereal, potato salad, fruit and Midol since it's getting to be that time. we go back to their place and put the meat and milk in the fridge. then Panera where we got a mango smothie and 2 pastries. As we sit down to eat we run into Claire and her mom Grace. like Grace Kelly. it's how I remember people's names. I.e., "Hi I'm John" ok as in John Lennon. or, "Hi I'm Oscar" as in Oscar Wilde. some are harder than others. Claire is a woman in my mom's pilates class. she's nice. she's 32. apparently we've met before at a get together at my parents. i don't remember meeting Claire. her mom's also nice. Claire's sister is also Kate. who I met last summer while my mom and I were at a show downtown it might've been Mamma Mia. I told Kate she has the same name as my sister. Kate Claire's sister is thinking about marriage. she and her boyfriend have been going out for about a year which isn't long according to Claire.

although time is subjective, so.

When we saw Kate at the show last year she was w/ 2 of her friends one of whom, Jane was getting married. Kate's 36.

Claire's brought her son Jalen. he's almost 1. he was cute. I'm not very good w/ kids [nor am I w/ dogs] although I like them. he's social seems to like people. he liked me. and the lights dripping from the ceiling. he knows the sign for 'lights' since he's taking sign language. which apparently kids are good at. cool. he's fairly quiet. he has lunch w/ us. I'm content to sit there and eat my chocolate pastry while the women talk.

See eating around people is only weird if I think about it.

Panera is cold. I'm reminded of reading there during the summer. Claire tells us they're going to Kazoo & Co. for toys for Jalen. I bring up the idea of Slinkies. she says that's a great idea; even if he didn't understand it he'd have fun watching it.

That's how kids are. even if they don't understand something they like it. And when they don't. they have a feeling of 'uh oh this isn't good'. Grace and Mom discuss their travels.

After lunch Mom and I go to CostCo where we get a magazine and granola cereal. Then back to their place where we get the food, address labels and a stapler. I have a mini stapler but the staples I have for it don't fit. so. The stapler's not a critical thing but it's a good thing to have. and it's free being it was given to me. though sometimes things actually are free. Samples for instance..........I only take 1 even though they're free and you can have as many as you want. and the best things in life according to Sinatra.

So then Mom drops me off.

And now I'm waiting for Law & Order SVU. i don't usually watch that show although I like it. but John Stamos is on and I like him, so. it's an interesting show. you learn stuff.

more [the afternoon/inbetween portion] to come! '

'5th

......what a way to make a livin.......

it's 7:10 p.m. atm.

currently watching: Big Bang Theory. it's a pretty good show.

Finished........: Jodie Sweetin's memoir. it was interesting.

So here's what happened today.

I woke up at 6:34. baked muffins for Mom, blueberry. 6 but 2 were in 2 big pieces so I had those while watching tv. put the others in the fridge. watched tv while painting a pansy for her. It was hard! I can draw a pansy but painting's harder bc of all the lines. I looked up images online and grew frustrated w/ each drawing. they have lines on the petals.

The painting was green, yellow, black and purple. i'm not much of a painter. it looked like some weird. flower. thing. which it was, a flower. well it's better than having it look like a spaceship. or. something.

I think that'll be my next art project. after the collages. don't have much else to do. The collages and then I want to do something w/ flower seeds.

My mom liked the painting. which she thought was an iris. Last year she thought the grape hyacinth I'd painted was a purple tree, so. but that's the cool thing about art. it's interpretative.

or it can be an iris if she wants it to be.

she also liked the seeds, muffins and tulips. She brought me cheese. and a cupcake from the cupcake place.

Oh I gave her the gifts bc it's her 56th today.

So we went to her parents' where we had a small get together. it was nice. My parents and grandparents had the Greek food my parents had brought. I had 2 pieces of bread. my grandmother remarked that it wasn't very much. twice. Though she'll regularly make the same remark twice within a 10 minute period, so. I said I was ok.

They had the rest of the cupcakes. we gave my grandparents 2 muffins and 2 tulips.

Then Mom and I went to the show 9 - 5. it was fun cute colorful funny. i liked the music. Dolly Parton had written all of it. i'd only heard 2 songs the title one and Backwoods Barbie. some of them weren't classic country which was interesting. She made a video cameo in the clock. She seems like fun. Apparently when I was little [was born in '87 i'll be 24 this coming august] Miss Parton had a variety show which i loved according to my mom. which i don't remember. i still like Miss Parton. she's so cute. seems friendly.

So often we think something is primarily about one thing but it has other aspects. The woman from the show Hairspray Diana [Diane?] DeGarmo was in it. she was very good. and the one who played Judy had a 'Defying Gravity' moment. One of the songs the one right before intermission reminded me of Helen Reddy's 'I Am Woman'. great song an anthem for women everywhere.

I'd seen the movie on PBS but it's been awhile. I have the DVD. I remember the scene where the papers from the copier are flying about.

And there was a screen onstage before the show started filled w/ images of 1979. Charlie's Angels, Farrah Fawcett, President Carter. Bob Dylan. Cher. and others. the big nuclear plant, white. i don't remember the name but it had either the word 'three' or 'thousand' in it. my mom told me about that.

Oh there was a black dude in the show. he danced a little bit differently from the others. that was so cool! he danced disco Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. i was reminded of my sister telling me I dance like Uma Thurman in that movie.

yeah........i also [like to think] i dance like Edie Sedgwick. w/ *the arm thing. [how specific].

So my dad picked us up and drove us to my parents'. on the way my Uncle Dave called to say happy birthday to Mom. they're siblings.

At their place Mom changed into her pilates clothes and talked on the phone while I put the flowers in water. well. in 3 vases and a water bottle. then she took me home. She has pilates tonight.

Stevie their dog was all crazy when I got there. I let him smell a flower. he was pretty much indifferent to the flower. dogs are good company.

When my mom got the gifts she said she was 'gifted' lol.

and now here i am

*the arm thing being where you move your arms above your head while dancing like they did in the '60's.'

'6th

So on The Today Show they had a segment just now on what a few of the hosts had learned from their moms. And it got me thinking.

From my dad I learned. um. this is a hard one given I don't like him. How to fix things physical things. I know how to use a screwdriver, sew, hem my pants. I'm a lot like him in that we're both quiet. both like nature. But those aren't really life lessons. Fixing things is good but it's not like. street safety. He never yells never gets angry and I think because of this when he does you know to straighten up.

My mom's a lot like Phylicia Rashad [who I like] 's character in For Colored Girls. she is the single strongest woman I know. she's honest whether you like it or not. Her use of terms of endearment is. sparse. So you wouldn't be able to tell that she's as. welcoming as she is. But back when one of my ex's stayed overnight w/ us my mom let him. He was in the guest room I in my bedroom. of course. I don't remember what happened the next day. She'll sometimes give mini cereal boxes to homeless people. Our first time in London after dinner we went around and she gave our leftovers to the homeless who were too cold to be crazy. [i hate that word to describe a mental disorder. I realise that some people who aren't crazy, some have mental disorders]. My mom's policy was, the door's always open. but also be careful who you let in.

Her mom, apparently, was like that. Though she's 90 and can't do anything she's still nice. so she still is. From what I've heard she helped people when she was younger. There's nothing wrong w/ the woman other than she's old. Not that that's 'wrong' it just is. she's 90 I'm 23 my mom's 56. it just is.

But her mom wasn't always that way.

My mom and I aren't exactly friends but we're not acquaintances. we're inbetween. She's so fun. She has this weird offbeat sense of humour. One example is wordplay. If you don't know my mom you wouldn't get that. Our relationship is based more on actions, things we do together. It's not ok let's sit down and talk about our week. It's, she picks me up Thursdays and in the car on the way to her parents' we'll talk about what's going on in the news [current events, as we called them in middle school] or what we saw on Oprah or if I have questions on something, like do they sell straws at the grocery store. and our to-do list for the day. I'm pretty good at staying on top of that as was she when I was growing up. We'll go to the movies together and I always go to her shows. [she's a member of the DWC: www.rmarts.org/dwc.php].

Growing up my family and I traveled quite a bit. And before Kate and I were born my parents traveled. They both like music, reading. My mom likes biographies, reading about things that 'really happened'. I like fiction. [yes this includes Twilight]. Although, as said, I've been into biographies lately.

I also like psychological fiction, bc I relate to it.

[well yes but even if you're reading fiction about a spaceship that crash lands that still presents a problem that the travelers have to figure out how to solve].

My mom likes Parks & Rec, Glee, Lost and Survivor. my dad, House. I don't know that I've ever seen Lost. seen Survivor. House is interesting. he likes Johnny Depp and Jackie Chan. jazz. smooth jazz always reminds me of my dad.

My mom's a practical person. She doesn't like or wear jewelry, makeup, nail polish or dresses. She's not a fan of frivolity. we have a pretty casually dressed family. whatever I'm comfortable in.

She was always the one talking to people asking questions getting to know people while my dad was off looking at some painting or art piece. he's the quietest person I know. he's slow as hell. sorry but he is. my mom's quick. quick to anger [though not as much today] and quick to get things done. My mom and I both like history. Kate's like how Mom was in that she's not very patient and she'll be honest whether you like it or not. Me, I'm very careful w/ people.

I guess this entry has turned into a 'so these are what my parents are like' entry rather than the original idea, which was what I've learned from them. which I put.

which, as stated previously. presents the question to all of you. What have you learnt [yes. learnt. and no I haven't lived in the UK. i'm just off. but I don't care that I'm off. clearly. otherwise i'd change it. um, but anyway] from your parents?

And for those of you who grew up in a different family situation, i.e., w/ your grandparents or aunts and uncles. or. whomeber - what have you learnt from those people? '

'8th

So I was just reading an entry of Antonio's [zombiedamage i think is his sn here. er. sn. user name............'user'....ha] and it made me sad. Not neccessarily the entry itself but the thoughts it brought up. I'm not blaming him for this. [antonio i hope you don't mind my referring to you by antonio. it's ok if you refer to me as 'Anne' even though everyone here knows me as misslily.vanilla].

I thought of my paternal grandmother. When we were little she was nice. But, as you all know, that's changed.

And it led me to think you have to find comfort wherever you can. I have 6 of her Sinatra records although I don't have a record player..........some jewelry from both sides I never wear. My coffee table is from said grandmother. [which no one's allowed to put their feet on/anything else on precisely because it's my grandmother's].

When we think of mothers we, some think of the biological type. But that's not always the case. I'm sure you've encountered the expression 'he's like a brother to me'. You have to find love and that kind of relationship or the aspects of it anyway wherever you can. Things remind us of certain people. Dogs, remind me of my sister. she loves them. smooth jazz, as said, reminds me of my dad. That's actually why I like hockey cuz we used to watch it together when I was little.

um......I've sort of forgotten where I was going w/ this........I guess, when the people aren't there or they've changed or. whatever. you..........connect w/ them through reminders.'

'9th

remember Heather? the friend of mine whose uncle died?

well we're not speaking. Not bc of that though.

She annoyed me. and usually if you annoy me I won't talk to you. I was having one of my 'i'm fat' moments. And she went 'you? you're not fat'. ok that. doesn't help. at all. tell me you get it and ask why i feel that way. don't just write me off by telling me the opposite. i've never liked when people do that. it's not really addressing the problem. it's kinda like saying you don't actually care enough to ask questions about why the person is feeling that way. like wow.'

'My 2, I guess you could call them 'favorite', instruments are pianos and guitars. though I don't play either. I used to play piano when I was little but quit cuz I never practiced. [ha. and then that turned into a lifelong habit]. I'm drawn to pianos. From my experience you see more pianos than guitars. My parents have a baby grand...........I think maybe a Baldwin? not sure. in their living room. My mom grew up in a musical family around music. I have 'piano player hands'.

There's something classic about pianos. and stationary. and timeless. Piano music's my favorite along w/ Celtic. I took music and art in school when I was little. I don't remember much. In art I think we were working on this huge bird........paper mache, for some reason. the teacher's name was Julie. she was thin w/ dark hair. she told us to be careful w/ the hot glue guns. I took art right untill college. was in choir in middle school 2 plays in........uh. public high school.

My point. there's something free and wild about guitars. very open read go cross country in the '60's. mountanous........natural? free to go wherever. they're like birds in that way.'

'10th

hey yall.

remember how one of my new year's goal was to read more?

And then..........that didn't go so well.

But now I am thanks to KindlePC brought to you by Amazon.

Actually I'm not currently reading anything. See w/ Amazon [for those who don't know] if you want like, a sports book or a cookbook then they'll send you a free sample. And then you don't have to go through the trouble of actually buying a book if you didn't like the first few pages.

I'm always on the computer so it works for me.

I've read Neon Angel, High On Arrival, Unsweetined. they were all good. and yes they involve drugs something since high school i've always been intrigued by. Beyond the occassional hookah-bar-ing last year I never seriously did drugs. When we're little we're taught they're bad. and yes while they can but be I also think life is about experimenting. I just hope you don't experiment w/ something to the point of death. Now I can't stop you and I won't tell you not to [no instead i'll ask questions] but i do care. even if i don't know you. but again you don't have to know someone to care/help.them.

I started reading Janis Ian's autobiography. she's amazing.........i love her i love her voice. Her favorite song of mine is 'in the winter'. In the first few pages she talked about finding God. but she doesn't describe it from a religious standpoint. it's from a spiritual. like whoa.

Joan Jett has said the triangle on her chest represents the divinity in all of us. i mean. wow. she gets it. I remember when we were in high school Kate and I were discussing my spirituality. She said that everyone has that in them but they don't always. uh. recognise it.

I'm spiritual but not religious and i'm perfectly fine being just spiritual.

Um so back to books. i've, as said. been really into biographies. On my list is Unbearable Lightness, Sarah's Key [Tatiana De Rosnay], Midwife's Confession [Diane Chamberlain]........ and one by Russell Brand. he's very funny. not the best looking guy but def. funny. a few books by Virginia Woolf.

I was reading Sophie Kinsella's 'can you keep a secret?'. the woman encounters an 'air hostess' before her flight. an 'air hostess'! makes it sound as though they're having a dinner party on the plane. w/ platters of fruit and cheese and music. I love the English and their funny phrases and words for things. we refer to them as 'flight attendants'.

i also want to read Something Borrowed. and some others.

So.........I'm asking for recommendations. from you all. of books you've liked. I don't have anything specific in mind.

Thanks! '

'11th

This really has nothing to do w/ anything except I was thinking about it when I was trying to sleep last night. Oh and the animal lady Julie Sordino was on Leno last night. she'd brought a big lizard w/ her.

I don't like iguanas. or monkeys. or goats. I'm actually terrified of iguanas. and wasn't untill I moved down to Florida. though. I'd never encountered them untill then. I don't like big lizards either. I like snakes i can deal w/ snakes. Turtles are weird.

I know monkeys are really smart but they're just weird looking. as are goats.

Although........I like elephants and they're big, so. they're related to.....mammoths i think. and lizards are related to um. dinosaurs. so they'd be the oldest animals. As in, the animals that have been on this earth the longest. And birds are the only animals that can fly. besides, well. flies. and other insects.

Iguanas are really weird. Chamelons are cool cuz they're the only animal that changes color. seemingly. but they're even a little weird.

I guess, even though I like weird people, I don't like every person/animal that's weird.

And iguanas are friendly. they just come right up to you on the sidewalk. or walk alongside on the grass. Here in CO other than dogs we don't have any animals like that. We have squirrels and cats and deer and birds. The animals that know enough to not do that. Friendly animals much like friendly people intimidate me. and horses. as in. we have horses here.

And by 'animal' I mean in the broader sense not in the scientific sense.

Everyone has an animal they don't like. according to Marge Simpson.

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<< : 2 Requests sleep : >>

I don't like iguanas. and size. Wednesday, May 11, 2011

This really has nothing to do w/ anything except I was thinking about it when I was trying to sleep last night. Oh and the animal lady Julie Sordino was on Leno last night. she'd brought a big lizard w/ her.

I don't like iguanas. or monkeys. or goats. I'm actually terrified of iguanas. and wasn't untill I moved down to Florida. though. I'd never encountered them untill then. I don't like big lizards either. I like snakes i can deal w/ snakes. Turtles are weird.

I know monkeys are really smart but they're just weird looking. as are goats.

Although........I like elephants and they're big, so. they're related to.....mammoths i think. and lizards are related to um. dinosaurs. so they'd be the oldest animals. As in, the animals that have been on this earth the longest. And birds are the only animals that can fly. besides, well. flies. and other insects.

Iguanas are really weird. Chamelons are cool cuz they're the only animal that changes color. seemingly. but they're even a little weird.

I guess, even though I like weird people, I don't like every person/animal that's weird.

And iguanas are friendly. they just come right up to you on the sidewalk. or walk alongside on the grass. Here in CO other than dogs we don't have any animals like that. We have squirrels and cats and deer and birds. The animals that know enough to not do that. Friendly animals much like friendly people intimidate me. and horses. as in. we have horses here.

And by 'animal' I mean in the broader sense not in the scientific sense.

Everyone has an animal they don't like. according to Marge Simpson.

A former friend was scared of butterflies. Not of the insects themselves but that he'd hurt them. well yes but butterflies are smart enough not to be near people who'd hurt them.

Not that other animals aren't smart.

I love wolves. dogs are a bit much. same w/ high energy people. I think that's why I like cats. they don't always need to be around people. If you don't want to play w/ them that's perfectly fine. I love lions. all that fur. they're dangerous. well sure any animal can be dangerous. Bees, for instance. though i love bees.

I guess we think bc something's small it won't hurt us.

ok think i'll stop rambling'

'11th

again. This has nothihng to do w/ anything. Except they were discussing it on The Talk. [talk show].

I love sleep. And I hate sleeping when the room's cold. I love the idea of sleep and dreams. I don't often sleepe well. I hate when they tuck in the bed linens of hotel beds as I'm one of those people who has to have the blankets tucked around her. like a bug. well if i'm going to be a bug it's a ladybug or butterfly. awww.

[after all. i am a lady. lol. in every sense of the word].

I don't sleep on my bed. For one it's really comfortable and I've a hard enough time getting up as is. And. As I'm just now discovering. I have to sleep where there is noise. I can't sleep with noise but I like to know it's there. Like if I wake up at 2 a.m. or something bc of an unfavorable dream then I can turn the volume on the tv and focus on that.

I know they say that's 'bad' for sleep but that's the entire point. er. not that it's bad but that it helps me.

I also and here's a confession. can't sleep in the dark. i've never liked the dark. which is interesting since I prefer night. And I had Night Terrors. I mean they don't come up as often but they're still a part of me. just as my green eyes are. as being from Denver is. and so on. And I've found they're like moles. [i'm referring to the rodents]. they don't like light. There are 2 kinds of Night Terrors. those that come while you're sleeping and those that come right before. I had the latter.

However. that being said I can sleep in the dark if there's someone else in the room. although it takes me longer to fall asleep I sleep better.'

'- ian.

what i did today. And music observations.

First music. So I looked up the lyrics to Adele's 'rolling in the deep' and upon reading discovered wow. it's a sad song. When I sing I pay attention to the lyrics and how the song sounds and trying not to run the words together. Some songs are harder to sing than others. 'defying gravity', for instance. 'and i am tellin you', from 'dreamgirls'. is another. I'm currently trying to learn Suzi Quatro's cover of *Peggy Lee's 'fever'. I know 'fever'; it's one of those soft sexy songs. hot songs for cold nights.

Suzi Quatro, for those who don't know, was a '70's rocker. much like The Runaways. great band. [as was the Floyd. yes Pink Floyd]. we so often think of the '70's as being about disco. but that's when rock and roll got its start.

She's still alive btw. Suzi Quatro.

So. Rock ballads are harder for me bc you want to have that edge. but also that softness of a soft sexy song like 'fever'.

I don't sing for anyone nor do I sing around anyone. other than at karaoke. i'm actually really shy.

I'm always workin on somethin always doin somethin. whether it's reading something new or looking up song lyrics or reading about Ethopian food on Wikipedia. or. whatever. these er. discoveries aren't for anyone they're just so i can be informed. and learn stuff.

well read that's a good phrase for it.

i've a few vids of me singin on Youtube. My username there is missannebee.

[and for those who want to follow me on Twitter it's @PaintedNutmeg].

So...........here's what I did today.

well not a whole lot. woke up at 10 something baked before The Today Show's 4th hr. muffins as usual. blueberry. because it was cold out. and in too. didn't take long never does. and the muffins came out perfectly yay! usually they're in 2 pieces. i had those throughout the day. watched The Talk. Alex Trebek was on. he seems like a nice guy. then 2 hrs of 'ghost whisperer' [reruns]. and then Oprah. Sarah Ferguson the duchess of York was on. it was interesting but I didn't quite understand her story. I gathered she was unhappy and something about approval?....

Oh did some more editing of my writing. adding in explanations. which is what i'm going to be doing.

Songs of the day are..........'in the winter', 'california dreamin' and. 'fever'.

and now I'm watching Idol.

so even though the weather sucked. basically. it was nice bc i baked.

*a trick of Peggy Lee's was to sing softly so people would have to be quiet in order to hear her,

**Michael Buble also covered 'fever'.

I love Judy Collins. her voice makes me cry. those sopranos........if she was/is a soprano. she's what, 70? and is still beautiful.'

'just learned that from Law & Order SVU:

WARNING: TW

And 90% of them are commited by someone you know.

Ask anyone off the street what they know about being assaulted and I can gaurantee you that 70 - 90% of them will say it'll be someone you don't know.

And that's what I thought. Even my dad [yes my dad of all people said this] that if 'some guy' tried to hurt me. One of my teachers in middle school when teaching us about safety said something about 'some guy'.

See you never think it'll be someone you know. No. of course not. Are we really that naieve? well yes.

That's why we're so shocked when it happens. We're naieve enough to believe that people we know won't for instance murder someone. of course they will if they know your damn address!

Look. I'm not saying you should be afraid of everyone who has your address. I'm just saying that this world isn't a safe place.

I remember w/ The..........The David Thing my mom knew somethin was up w/ David. so she wouldn't let us in a car together. thank god. Oh but when my ex who assaulted me was there it was fine. and yet he was the one who freakin assaulted me!

really?

I know no one here knows about The David Thing. and that's entirely on purpose. It's........not something I ever talk or write about. I don't know what 'it' would be called. The David Thing? The Parking Garage Incident? I haven't talked about it in detail which is why you're all left wondering.

I...........i can't. yet. i'm not. ready to.

Other than the assault I barely talk about my ex. that ex I mean.

I wasn't attacked though. That's the thing. I knew him it was secluded...........I was alone that entire year.

I remember [being reminded by said Law&Order SVU ep. that aired just now] that my ex talked to my mom. when I didn't. not that I talked to much anyone during that entire year. as said. He was 20 and he expressed his apparent worries to her about turning 21 and drinking.

My dad didn't protect me that year. not that ever really had. No. he was in the freakin hospital.

when no one asks how you are you stop telling people.

Something like that doesn't just effect the person involed. It effects everyone else too. It would've been nice really nice that year if someone had asked how I was. and the one person who did...........hurt me. he was also the first person who made me feel beautiful. wanted. loved.

he's a duality. the guy who assaulted me and my. my ex. I know as I'm just now realising it's a helluva thing to get your head around. how could you not know? ya know what? bc I hadn't been taught. bc though I always knew I always thought it would be 'some guy'. and not someone I knew. it's really that simple.

it's not always 'some guy' and people need to realise and be aware of that.

I don't see the worst in people. Don't you dare note that. I just.......don't trust anyone. and i have good reason not to. not that this'll allow for notes. as it won't. because frankly i don't trust people to note me and not be mean. if i did then i'd allow for notes. and each time i have i've opened myself up to allow for precisely that i've been shot down. it's pointless really to put this reminder and to allow for notes if that's what keeps happening.

yes but on the other side of that if i don't put the reminders then it'll keep happening.

it's not my fault people aren't nice. no i'm not trying to start anything here. i'm being honest.

Oh above I'm referring to my dad's having been in 2 accidents that year.

and yes i've been therapy for this.

If you don't have anything to say or if you can't be nice/civil w/ what you are saying then. just shutit.'

'12th

So I don't usually write at this hour - 40 past midnight - but idinno.

This summer in August my mom and I are going to London for about a week - my 24th - and then to Denmark for a day or 2. In London we'll be in Bloomsbury. what a fun word. we're going to have tea as they do there and go to 2 shows. And not much else is planned. In Denmark we're going to see the little mermaid statue and visiting the Tivoli Gardens. I looked it up. It's this great garden w/ an amusement park and a castle. and plants of course. can't have a garden without plants. [well. ya could but it wouldn't be much of one].

It'll be nice.

My grandmother had a small version of said statue when I was growing up. I'd always liked it. so there's a connection there. I also love water. My sister told me that all transgender? i think it is? children love mermaids. well that makes sense as there's nothing in there nether regions.

You know, the Irish have their selkie legend. about the seal-women. the women who turn into seals and then back into women beautiful ones who somehow trap men.........there's the Sirens legend and the banshees. not too sure what my point is here in mentioning that. um. legends of women who trap men? [not very good to be men in those stories........]

I like mermaids because they're pretty. and they have the perfect figures. real or not. Another figment of art is Boticelli's Venus.

I've never been to Denmark but I hear there are friendly people there. according to Oprah. seems like a nice place. I love/d London.

Speaking of art Da Vinci was years ahead of his time, w/ his flying machines. really avant garde.

Back to my point. I'm not a souviner person but I might get a small mermaid statue. In Paris I got a small Eiffel Tower statue [which apparently was supposed to light up at some point while Kate, Mom and I were there. yeah that didn't happen] and a scarf. I had a small one when I was in elementary school that our French teacher gave to us. well. she was from Quebec. and then I lost it.

said grandmother being my dad's mother.

it's weird the things you remember'

'My mom and I were discussing this today.

I don't know how many people know this but the Starbucks mermaid is actually a siren. And up untill we discussed it I hadn't realised there was more than one kind of siren. apparently there are Norweigan ones too. according to my mom.

My theory on the coffee company logo is that the siren is supposed to be tempting so people will buy the coffee.

just a random fact for yall'

'This was meant to go w/ my recent animals entry the one entitled 'i don't like iguanas'.

Actually these are 2 questions:

1: why was Jim Morrison known as the Lizard King?

and

2: why was he buried in Paris? [i assume that was where he was living when he died]

Thanks! '

'.....gaga.

yes it's me again. as you can tell i've a lot to catch up on.

So if you could have coffee w/ either Adele or Lady Gaga which one and why?

For me personally I'd choose Adele. For one she's superpretty. Yes there are those out there who could say she needs to lose weight. yeah i can see that. However. I also think if she eat/is healthy and content w/ that then......i don't see a problem.

Don't get me wrong Lady Gaga has a great body and she's a fashion genuis and good dancer [as if Florence from Florence & The Machine. her 'dog days are over' vid. is weird. surreal] but w/ her it's sortof like. because she's so out there you're not quite sure what to think. Whereas w/ Adele she seems down to earth.

Adele says she makes music for the ears and not the eyes and thank god. I'm not bashing Lady Gaga [or Emilie Autumn] I'm offering a different viewpoint. It's really refreshing to have someone like her out there. In the most recent issue of Harper's there was a photo of Lady Gaga. it was very bizarre. She had these fake boobs on her chest. yeah......um.

I like them both they're both talented.'

'13th

So I don't know why I'm writing this other than it's my thought process. You don't have to read if you don't want to. being that it's not that great of an entry.

Yesterday while my dad was here looking at my thermostat he was explaining how the electricity thinger worked. [idk if you've ever taken the cover off a thermostat. but behind it there'r small wires that somehow make it work]. And there's electricity that jumps around on the wires. this somehow makes the thermostat work. [And no I don't want to know. I'm not asking here for you to tell me how it works. Don't. Read too much into that].

And there's a space that's the connector thingy in this process [if i knew what the 'connector thingy' was called i'd prolly tell you. I'm not being vague on purpose. Again. No I'm not asking for the words for the 'connector thingy'. So Don't read too much......yeah]. And the electricity jumps from [wow this is turning into a boring entry] er. 'from'. across the connector thingy which acts as a bridge.

Ok so here's my point: This led me to think of my big illustrated book of Wizard Of Oz and how in it the lion jumps from one giant cliff to the next. Oh. sometimes the electricity can jump from one place to the next w/o the bridge. just as the lion didn't need a bridge.

that's really it.'

'14th

....psychology.

So it's been raining here. [being CO]. and yes that is a surprise. being that it never does.

We've gotten 2 ins. [inches] within the past few days. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but when you're livin in a place where it again. never rains. yeah.

Rain reminds me of how old the world really is. it's older than us, even. It's classic, in a way. it reminds me of old hollywood. [and anyone who knows me knows how i like classic things]. it reminds me of that scene from Breakfast At Tiffany's where she's in the car kissing the guy and it's raining out. I've still not the movie all but that scene.

Blueberry muffins and pearls are other classic. things. timeless. pianos too. yeah that's a good word for it. timeless.

[there was more to this the psychology part. but i've forgotten what]. '

'15th

As Always: Please Be Kind

[or, you know].

'my dad's car accident 6 yrs this dec. i just. ive never really confronted it. not that i ever tried, so. not the accident itself but what it meant. he wasn't even there physically. i love my dad i do i just....and when people heard they'd ask about him'

er. That is. - [as you can tell I never use capitalisation on FB. nor do i on twitter. oh btw changed my twittername to @Miss1970s. i change it frequently]. - My dad's car accident was 6 years ago this coming Dec. And yesterday at 3 a.m. I was sitting thinking about it. I've never really confronted it. not that I'v tried, so. Not the accident itself [basically paraphrasing here] but what it meant. As we all know he hasn't been there emotionally for me. since. not that I've really let him. i don't let many people. and he wasn't even there physically.

Not that he could've been there for me physically [actually he had 2 accidents within the span of 3 months that year] when I was assaulted. As the only people who were were my ex and myself.

But........whenever people asked about my dad. well. that was it they'd only ask about him. they didn't ask about me. not that I had much of an idea about. the assault. I knew something had happened. but that was 'bout it.

'oh it doesn't matter that i was assaulted that same year. not that i knew about assault at the time. no one really asked about me and the one person who did....ok. when and if i talk about the accident i don't want sympathy. i don't wa...nt pity. well not that i ever do. i want questions. maybe i'm afraid if i talk about it the same thing will happen again. that's the most 'ive ever gone into it. i don't want it to be real. realism is fukin terrifying'

The one person who did ask about me that year who I spent so much time w/. is the one who ended up assaulting me. Again the duality of him is a helluva thing for people to wrap their heads around.

Now I'm just speculating here but maybe. subconsciously. a part of me's afraid that if I start to talk about the........about. what happened [being w/ Dad] it - the assault? another. accident? - it'll happen again.

That's the most I've ever gone into it.

And. w/ things like that. you talk about them they become real. you know how it is. I don't want to talk about car accidents. they're fukin terrifying. even just touching on it is like. i go any further and just. no. I'm ready to do that much but "that much" is all I'm ready to do. for. to, bring up.

As said. when and if. [when i was home from boarding school i learned the difference between 'when' and 'if. it wasn't 'when' i'd come back it was 'if'. but that's a whole story].

As always. Please Be Kind With Notes. or, you know. '